Blog # 159

I know you’re all as nervous as a centipede at an Elephant Convention, so let’s start with a joke.  We all need a joke, don’t we? 

Hi, Bill.  What’s new?

Well, I got new dentures last week.

Oh, my, do they hurt?

Yesterday I played golf and some crazy person behind me hit a ball that hit me in the crotch.

What does that have to do with your dentures?

Well, that’s the only time they didn’t hurt.

Hi there and welcome back.  Are you calm?  Are you sheltering in place?  I cancelled a dentist appointment and a couple of other things, and it looks like the whole world is “laying low”, at least those who care nothing for the sanctity of the English Language.  The rest of us, grammatically speaking, are “lying low”.

I went grocery shopping and noticed a few examples of how the world has changed.  As I entered the grocery store, I grabbed a sanitary wipe from a dispenser by the door.  The dispenser had a large padlock on it.  Seriously!  It’s probably the most valuable thing in the store.  When I checked out, I noticed a blue line taped on the floor separating by six feet the people checking out.  When I got back in the car, the radio station was playing Christmas music.  That means either they are trying to cheer us up or they don’t think we’ll make it to Christmas.

As I drove home, Carol called.  “When you get to the front door, take off all your clothes.”  This was beginning to sound interesting.  She continued.  “Leave them in the laundry bin and go take a shower.  No argument!  Do it!”    I knew better than to demur.  Unfortunately, she neglected to tell me to take off my clothes after I got inside.  Now my neighbors are really afraid to come out of the house.

Here’s another way the world has changed.  Carol is FaceTiming our family and friends every day.  It’s a great way to keep in touch and cheer everyone up, but it means her friends will need to get themselves streetable early in the day.  To be honest, some of you girls need to be wearing those protective masks to protect us from seeing your au naturel faces.  Only kidding!

There is good news, however.  The country is worried about protecting its old people.  Those over sixty are at the highest risk from the disease and there is a new-found concern for us ancient mariners.  As Richard Russo says, “Old people, once the revered repositories of the culture’s history and values, have become dusty museums of arcane and worthless information.”  And I must admit I am as dusty and arcane as they come, but now, since the virus has arrived, stores are setting aside special shopping hours for seniors, and children and grandchildren everywhere are being hoveringly protective of us oldies but goodies.  It’s nice. 

In anticipation of being hunkered down for a while, I made a few changes to make me happy. First, I bought some flowers.  Flowers in the house are soothing.  And second, as you know, I adopted a three-legged cat.  Shakespeare is his name.  So, I have pretty flowers, a cute cat and a wonderful wife.  And lots of toilet paper.

And speaking of appreciating your loved-one, Hallmark has asked me to write a Quarantine Card.  Here it is:

Now roses are red, it is true

And violets we know to be blue

One look at your face

And I’ll shelter in place

As long as I’m sheltered with you.

Awww!  Besides the coronavirus, the stock market and the shortage of toilet paper, there’s also April Fools’ Day to worry about.  I never was able to work myself into a state of goofiness sufficient to participate in the zeitgeist* of this faux holiday.  I guess I’m just not full of frivolity and an impish spirit.  People have reminded me, however, that I am full of some other things – like too many German words.

Plus, in the midst of this pervasive national angst (another German word), the Census comes out.  I did mine online.  It’s very easy, but there are a few things that disturbed me.

·        They asked for my birth date, and the drop-down for the year goes all the way down to 1894.  How many 126-year-olds are they planning to count?

·        You can choose among 13 different languages in which to fill out your Census form, including Tagalog.  I had to look that one up.  It’s the major language in the Philippines.  Are there any 126-year-old Filipinos?  And why are the people from the Philippines (with 3 p’s and an h) called Filipinos (with one p and no h and an f)?

·        Finally, they asked for my race.  I thought we were all Americans and shouldn’t be concerned about race.  I guess I was wrong, because White was not good enough.  They wanted to know if I was French, Irish, Italian, etc.  My ancestors came here from Russia around 1900, so I put Russian.  I am no more Russian than I am Filipino.

And by the way, why do I have to press “1” for English.  Did America move?  The last time I looked, the Statue of Liberty did not say: Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to speak Tagalog.  We’re all immigrants.  I’m Russian, apparently.  And when my grandparents came to America – to become Americans – they learned English and did not expect Americans to learn Russian or Yiddish.  Comprendo?

Weekly Word:  Zeitgeist is the defining spirit or mood of the times.  Not a word you use very often.

Shakespeare The Cat wants to say hello.  Shakespeare – eleven letters, nine lives and three legs.  He’s a pistol!

Message from Shakespeare: “What dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us paws (Hamlet).”  I only have three paws, but that’s enough to wave “hi”.  Come back next week.  My Pops likes to talk to you, and I’ll have another quote.

Well that about says it all.  I guess I’ve bored you enough for one week.  But never fear, I’m working on next week.  Stay well, take care of your neighbors, FaceTime your families and watch out for 126-year-old Filipinos.  And don’t forget to count your blessings.  You still have a lot.

Michael and Shakespeare          Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com