Blog #157

Virus news from St. Louis:  A local girl returned from Italy and was tested for corona.  She and her family were sent home to self-quarantine awaiting results.  Two days later, her father and little sister left the house to attend a school dance.  Soon thereafter, the older sister was confirmed to have the virus.  The community is furious that the father broke the quarantine and exposed the whole city. 

Here's what I think.  This isn’t the mumps or the flu.  This is the major news story in the World.  This is the disease that is paralyzing our entire country with fear.  Americans are fighting over sanitizers and toilet paper and cancelling basketball games.  Universities are closing. The County had one case of this disease, not a hundred, not a thousand.  One case, and they treated it cavalierly*, trusting the family to quarantine itself.  This is the most important thing the County Health Department has ever had to deal with and they just sent the family home with a “be nice little girls and boys and stay in the house”.  It was like telling a rabid dog to “stay”.  Now they have police cars patrolling the family’s house to protect them from irate neighbors.  They should have put that police car in front of the house to begin with in order to enforce the quarantine.  Everybody in the County involved with that decision should be fired.  Twice!

My goodness!  With the Corona Virus frightening the world, tornadoes killing people in Tennessee and Chuck Schumer threatening Supreme Court Justices – it’s a very frightening world.  I’m not sure I should even be trying to make you laugh.  Or maybe, just maybe, this is precisely the time for a few smiles.  Let’s see what we can do.

The virus really has consumed all our thoughts and activities.  Our local Walmart is out of toilet paper; Duke University, where my grandson goes, is closed until further notice; March Madness is going to play its games without an audience; and The Disney Channel has a new program called Mona the Corona, starring Miley Virus.

Fist bump and welcome back for the 157^th time. That’s right, this blog marks the beginning of our fourth year together.  I hope you’re feeling well and washing your hands.  Don’t worry, reading my blog is perfectly safe.  I wore a mask when I wrote it.  But I do feel a little woozy from changing my clocks.  Springing forward always does that to me.

It’s pretty crazy, isn’t it?  This shortage of toilet paper is turning everyone into scavengers.  A friend of mine had a birthday and I was going to bring her flowers, but she called and told me not to.

Now flowers are fine, I suppose

But I don’t want them now, Heaven knows

Just bring some bath tissue

I’ll hug you and kiss you

Cause I can’t wipe my ass with a rose.

See, I knew I could make you smile.  I know what tickles you – dirty words and smut.  You’re my kind of people.

Missouri had a Presidential Primary on Tuesday, and I voted.  The Republicans had five candidates including Joe Walsh.  Wasn’t he a guitar player for the Eagles?  The Democrats had 22 candidates including Marianne Williamson.  Didn’t she smoke pot with the Doobie Brothers?  Twenty-two candidates!  If Michael Bloomberg had gotten that many votes, he’d still be in the race.  The Green Party had three candidates including Howie Hawkins (Howie?).  The Constitutional Party had two and the Libertarian Party had one.  Thirty-three candidates for one job.  Sounds like American Idol.

I had a lunch date this week.  I’m very popular.  This lunch was with a young woman, late 40s, who used to work for me.  My wife advised me against it.  I said, “Why, do you think someone might see us and think I was having a little fling-ding with a young woman?”  No, you fool, she replied.  No-one would ever think you could attract a woman in her 40s unless you were sitting on the last case of toilet-paper in the county.  I am afraid, however, that she might accuse you of sexual harassment or something.  “Seriously?” I replied.  “At Pasta House?  What am I going to do, spank her with a toasted ravioli?”  The lunch was delightful and we caught up on family and old business associates.  I brought home an order of toasted ravioli.

Well, I have to try to excite my wife in some way!  She is certainly not excited by the way I drive.  You see, Carol wants me to go through 100% of yellow lights and 50% of red lights.  You’re not supposed to go through yellow lights, I tell her.  She says that everyone does it.

Well, if by “everyone”, she means that sad Sargasso Sea of human flotsam that wallows through the world awash in an everlasting stupor of stupidity and cruelty, I consider none of them a role model.  I like to consider myself above those huddled masses yearning to drink beer and fart.  Don’t you love it when I get wordy?  I may have gone overboard.  It was only a yellow light.

Have I cheered you up enough yet?  Let’s try this:  When Sadie was 60 years old, she had a dream.  God came to her in the dream and told her that, since she had led such a kind and devoted life, He was granting her 40 more years to live.  Sadie was ecstatic and immediately scheduled extensive plastic surgery so that she would look good for 40 more years.  She got everything fixed up.  After the final surgery, Sadie left the hospital feeling good and looking great.  She was immediately hit by a bus and killed.  When she arrived at Heaven’s Gate, she demanded to see God and reminded Him that He had promised her forty more years.  “How come You ran me over with that bus,” she asked.  Oh my, said God, is that you, Sadie?  I didn’t recognize you.

WEEKLY WORD:  Cavalierly means showing a lack of proper concern for the situation.  Believe me, I am not taking this virus cavalierly.  I want you to do what the health people tell you. Stay well, count your blessings and elbow bump.  I’ll see you next week.

Michael                                             Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com