Blog #160
It was the best of times, it was the worst
of times. No,
don’t panic; it’s not Ms. Bowers’ 10th Grade English class. It’s just a little Dickens. But oh, so true! On Saturdays, we usually eat out. But since we can’t now, we ordered carry-out
from a nice restaurant. I dressed in a
tuxedo, bow-tie and all, and Carol got all fapitzed*. When we opened the bag containing our meal,
the restaurant had included a gift, thanking us for our business. It was a roll of toilet paper. Honest.
When I asked for rolls and butter, that’s not what I expected. Seriously, there we were, all dressed up,
laughing over the silliness and the thoughtfulness and the sadness of it all.
Weekly
Word: Fapitzed is a Yiddish word that means all dolled up and when I typed it above, my spellchecker changed
it to the word baptized. Which got me
thinking, what if the bible actually said Jesus was fapitzed and an old guy
named John the
Spellchecker changed it to
baptized and started dunking people in the river when all they needed to do was
put on something nice? You know there
was an Eleventh
Commandment -- Thou shalt not wear linen
after Labor Day.
Hi there and welcome back to what looks to be a trying
April. You are all frightened, I
know. I am frightened as well, but you
and I must stay calm and do our best. I
stay calm by trying to think of something to make you smile. It’s harder now. You’re not as easy a laugh as you used to be,
so we’d better get started. First, a
little news of my family. It’s my
blog.
My oldest Granddaughter, Zoey (17), was spending her
Junior year of High School in the Netherlands.
She was supposed to stay until July, but was forced to come home to
North Carolina because of the pandemic, as were all the students on the
program. I am very happy that she made
it home last week without incident. I
was never worried about her traveling alone from Europe, because Zoey could
talk her way through anything. I call
her The Mouth from the South.
My youngest Granddaughter, Lucy, just celebrated her 7th
birthday in California. Of course, with
the virus and the lockdown in California, poor Lucy had to cancel her birthday
party.
Staying at home sucks, doesn’t it? I’m as bored as Venus De Milo’s manicurist. But I
always have Andrew Cuomo to watch. My goodness, that man has had more airtime
than the My Pillow guy. I
even saw the pillow guy interrupting one of Trump’s corona briefings to say he
has stopped making pillows and is making face masks instead. The only problem is that the masks make you
sleepy.
I know you’re all getting a little stir-crazy. In
the 1850s, “stir” became a nickname for Newgate Prison in London, and people
incarcerated there were said to be “in stir”.
So that’s how “stir crazy” came to mean the anxiety caused by being
confined. Aren’t you glad I explained
that to you? It gave me something to do
while I had nothing to do.
Carol is doing everything she
can to make our sequestered lives bearable.
My clever wife has made our humble abode into a cruise ship of sorts.
·
The food is magnificent,
with a different theme restaurant every night.
Last night we ate at the American Restaurant (hotdogs and
mac&cheese). Yummy! Tonight we’re eating at the Chinese
Restaurant (chop suey). Terrific.
·
Online yoga
classes every morning.
·
Outdoor walks in
the afternoon.
·
Happy Hour every
day at 5:00 where she and some friends get on Zoom or FaceTime together and drink and giggle. I just listened to one of
her Happy Hours with four senior women trying to get all their faces on one
screen at the same time. Every time they
figured out how to include one more, they laughed and giggled like a group of
10-year-old girls who had just seen their first penis.
·
Haircuts in the Salon. That’s right, I cut Carol’s hair. She looks Marrrrrrvelous! Don’t call me. I’m booked through April.
·
Crossword Puzzle
Night every Sunday and Wednesday with our daughters.
·
Formal Night on
Saturdays (see above story about the tuxedo).
·
And since my
wife is doing it all, it’s truly a Princess
Cruise.
We’re
sequestered, but here’s the good news:
We’re
booked on a Quarantine Cruise
There
are no ports of call
And
the Guest List is small,
Just
a three-legged cat and two Jews.
One night at dinner, I got in the cruise spirit and
decided to call our dinner table the Captain’s Table. My wife instantly reminded me that on her
ship, I was the Captain of precisely nothing.
Message
from Shakespeare: It is a tale told by an idiot, full
of sound and fury, signifying nothing (Macbeth). I
have a tail and it’s pretty furry, but that doesn’t make me an
idiot. I was smart enough to find a
wonderful home. And did you know that
the person named Shakespeare wrote King Lear while he was quarantined for the
plague? I like to watch TV. I watch Petflix. There are
shows for dogs like Barks
and Recreation and Game of Bones. And shows
for cats like Paw
and Order, Carol Purrnet and Downton
Tabby. There’s
even a show for three-legged animals.
It’s called The
Limpsons.
Funny cat! He’s a regular Jack Purr. Enough about him. Back to me.
Other
than the fact that there is no skin left on my hands and I smell like a bottle
of Windex, everything is ok. This
sheltering-in-place routine hasn’t really been that horrible. I do love my friends and I miss them, but when
it comes to seeing other people, generally, I’m a hermit. “Better to see no one than to see fools”,
said Larry McMurtry. I see enough fools
on television.
But you’re not a fool, are you? Of course not – you can’t be if you’re
reading this. So keep reading, stay well,
wash your hands and count your blessings.
And your toilet paper! See you
next week.
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