Blog # 159

I know you’re all as nervous as a centipede at an Elephant Convention, so let’s start with a joke.  We all need a joke, don’t we? 

Hi, Bill.  What’s new?

Well, I got new dentures last week.

Oh, my, do they hurt?

Yesterday I played golf and some crazy person behind me hit a ball that hit me in the crotch.

What does that have to do with your dentures?

Well, that’s the only time they didn’t hurt.

Hi there and welcome back.  Are you calm?  Are you sheltering in place?  I cancelled a dentist appointment and a couple of other things, and it looks like the whole world is “laying low”, at least those who care nothing for the sanctity of the English Language.  The rest of us, grammatically speaking, are “lying low”.

I went grocery shopping and noticed a few examples of how the world has changed.  As I entered the grocery store, I grabbed a sanitary wipe from a dispenser by the door.  The dispenser had a large padlock on it.  Seriously!  It’s probably the most valuable thing in the store.  When I checked out, I noticed a blue line taped on the floor separating by six feet the people checking out.  When I got back in the car, the radio station was playing Christmas music.  That means either they are trying to cheer us up or they don’t think we’ll make it to Christmas.

As I drove home, Carol called.  “When you get to the front door, take off all your clothes.”  This was beginning to sound interesting.  She continued.  “Leave them in the laundry bin and go take a shower.  No argument!  Do it!”    I knew better than to demur.  Unfortunately, she neglected to tell me to take off my clothes after I got inside.  Now my neighbors are really afraid to come out of the house.

Here’s another way the world has changed.  Carol is FaceTiming our family and friends every day.  It’s a great way to keep in touch and cheer everyone up, but it means her friends will need to get themselves streetable early in the day.  To be honest, some of you girls need to be wearing those protective masks to protect us from seeing your au naturel faces.  Only kidding!

There is good news, however.  The country is worried about protecting its old people.  Those over sixty are at the highest risk from the disease and there is a new-found concern for us ancient mariners.  As Richard Russo says, “Old people, once the revered repositories of the culture’s history and values, have become dusty museums of arcane and worthless information.”  And I must admit I am as dusty and arcane as they come, but now, since the virus has arrived, stores are setting aside special shopping hours for seniors, and children and grandchildren everywhere are being hoveringly protective of us oldies but goodies.  It’s nice. 

In anticipation of being hunkered down for a while, I made a few changes to make me happy. First, I bought some flowers.  Flowers in the house are soothing.  And second, as you know, I adopted a three-legged cat.  Shakespeare is his name.  So, I have pretty flowers, a cute cat and a wonderful wife.  And lots of toilet paper.

And speaking of appreciating your loved-one, Hallmark has asked me to write a Quarantine Card.  Here it is:

Now roses are red, it is true

And violets we know to be blue

One look at your face

And I’ll shelter in place

As long as I’m sheltered with you.

Awww!  Besides the coronavirus, the stock market and the shortage of toilet paper, there’s also April Fools’ Day to worry about.  I never was able to work myself into a state of goofiness sufficient to participate in the zeitgeist* of this faux holiday.  I guess I’m just not full of frivolity and an impish spirit.  People have reminded me, however, that I am full of some other things – like too many German words.

Plus, in the midst of this pervasive national angst (another German word), the Census comes out.  I did mine online.  It’s very easy, but there are a few things that disturbed me.

·        They asked for my birth date, and the drop-down for the year goes all the way down to 1894.  How many 126-year-olds are they planning to count?

·        You can choose among 13 different languages in which to fill out your Census form, including Tagalog.  I had to look that one up.  It’s the major language in the Philippines.  Are there any 126-year-old Filipinos?  And why are the people from the Philippines (with 3 p’s and an h) called Filipinos (with one p and no h and an f)?

·        Finally, they asked for my race.  I thought we were all Americans and shouldn’t be concerned about race.  I guess I was wrong, because White was not good enough.  They wanted to know if I was French, Irish, Italian, etc.  My ancestors came here from Russia around 1900, so I put Russian.  I am no more Russian than I am Filipino.

And by the way, why do I have to press “1” for English.  Did America move?  The last time I looked, the Statue of Liberty did not say: Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to speak Tagalog.  We’re all immigrants.  I’m Russian, apparently.  And when my grandparents came to America – to become Americans – they learned English and did not expect Americans to learn Russian or Yiddish.  Comprendo?

Weekly Word:  Zeitgeist is the defining spirit or mood of the times.  Not a word you use very often.

Shakespeare The Cat wants to say hello.  Shakespeare – eleven letters, nine lives and three legs.  He’s a pistol!

Message from Shakespeare: “What dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us paws (Hamlet).”  I only have three paws, but that’s enough to wave “hi”.  Come back next week.  My Pops likes to talk to you, and I’ll have another quote.

Well that about says it all.  I guess I’ve bored you enough for one week.  But never fear, I’m working on next week.  Stay well, take care of your neighbors, FaceTime your families and watch out for 126-year-old Filipinos.  And don’t forget to count your blessings.  You still have a lot.

Michael and Shakespeare          Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com

Blog #158

I go to McDonald’s every morning.  You know that.  This past Sunday (or should it be this passed Sunday), I was the only customer in the building.  That was truly spooky and disturbingly ominous!  The staff was there, just no customers.  But never fear, Limerick Oyster is still open for business.  The NBA is cancelled, as are the NHL, March Madness, the Masters and Spring Training.  Most universities are closed for the semester.  You’ll have no sports to watch and nowhere to go, but I’ll be here every Thursday to entertain you.  You should really print the blog out on your computer.  Then you can use it for toilet paper!

I’ve given up shaking hands, not because of the virus, but because everybody is out of toilet paper.  I heard the best way to protect yourself from the virus was to paint your face green and get drunk.  Or was that just St. Patrick’s Day?  Faith and begorrah!

My grandson is thinking of going to Mexico for Spring Break.  I told him travelling might not be such a great idea, but he showed me a travel brochure from the Mexican Oficina de Turismo.  It said:  Come to Beautiful Mexico.  The weather is fine and you don’t have to worry about the corona virus.  It’s not even in the top ten ways you can die in Mexico.

All of that was my attempt to make you smile during a very trying and frightening time.  We elderly people are all hunkering down and staying shut up.  One thing I know for sure, there are three old people who I wish would be shut up:  Bernie, Joe and Trump.  I know you’re all as stressed out as a fat person’s pall bearer, and I hope you don’t think I’m being insensitive, but I realize you are reading and hearing a bunch of gloom and doom all week long and I’m hoping Limerick Oyster can serve as a little oasis of cheer and humor.

I have a friend and loyal reader named Kitty, who lives in Mexico.  Sorry about the cheap Mexico joke, Kitty, but I bet it gave you una risa.  

And speaking of Kitty, Carol and I have adopted a cat – a three-legged cat, salt and pepper, 9-months old.  He shakes a little when he walks, so we’re naming him Shakespeare.  Carol does not love cats, but she is being a very good and considerate wife, so I gave her the right to choose the name.  I have a very clever family and they came up with several possible names for a three-legged cat -- Wobble, Teeter, Tipper,, I-Lean, Tripod, IHOP, Trip, Trey -- but Shakespeare it is. 

I realize that the main character in my favorite book was missing a leg and we should have named the cat Ahab, but Shakespeare has turned out to be the perfect name.  He’s romeo-ing around all the time and behaving like a little ham-let.

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling calm.  I’m glad you survived St. Patrick’s Day and the Ides of March.  At least you have Spring to look forward to.  It’s only a few days away.  I can’t wait to get back to my job at the Zoo.  I missed a lot of time last year because of my hip, but this year, I’m fit as a crotchety old fiddle and ready to greet the tourists and answer all their questions.  Where’s the tiger?  Where’s the bathroom?  Where’s the Starbucks?  They just have to get their Starbucks!

A tall mocha latte – decaf

And throw in some mint for a laugh

Oh Hell, make me happy

And make it a frappe

With extra low-fat Half ‘n Half.

Remember when it was a Cup-a-Joe and cost 30 cents?  Now, their prices are so high I think the name should be changed to Star Ten Bucks.

One thing I don’t like at the Zoo is that I’m forced to watch the large number of obese tourists.  I suppose “obese” is an insensitive term.  Maybe we should just call them easier to see.  It’s remarkable! (Which is why I just remarked on it.)  You’d think some of these people were auditioning for a spot in the elephant exhibit.  You might suppose that everyone would respond to the problem of obesity in the same way, but that’s not necessarily true.  A Liberal responds by calling for new legislation requiring food producers to limit the calories in their products while simultaneously making sure that all retail establishments accommodate obese people under the Americans with Disabilities Act.  A Conservative responds by buying Baskin-Robbins stock.  Do you own any stock?  That’s another thing you can use for toilet paper.

Are you still with me?  I’m maundering* a bit.  Let’s do a movie review.

ROTTEN OYSTERS:  The movie Yesterday was a silly movie with a ridiculous premise, but it did have two good things going for it.  First, it had a lot of nostalgically delightful Beatles music sung in a refreshing way, and second, it had Lily James who is as cute as a three-legged cat.  Even so, skip it.

WEEKLY WORD:  To maunder is to talk in a rambling manner.  I guess I did that a lot today, but I have nothing else to do.  Since I have written the above, everything has closed.  The Zoo, where I volunteer, has closed.  All the libraries have closed.  And McDonald’s is now threatening to close their in-store dining, if you can call McDonald’s dining.  I have nothing else to do but write to you.  Aren’t you lucky?

My friend and loyal reader, Robert, told me my blog was like a weekly dose of medicine for him.  I liked that, but if the Oyster is going to be your medicine, I’m obligated to give you certain warnings:  Do not read Limerick Oyster if you are allergic to giggling.  Side effects may include drowsiness.  But before you nod off, stay well, wash your hands, elbow bump and don’t panic.  We’ll all get through this together.  Oh yes, and count your blessings.  One of my blessings is that I know you’ll all come back for another dose of medicine next week.  Don’t let me down.

Michael                                             Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com

Blog #157

Virus news from St. Louis:  A local girl returned from Italy and was tested for corona.  She and her family were sent home to self-quarantine awaiting results.  Two days later, her father and little sister left the house to attend a school dance.  Soon thereafter, the older sister was confirmed to have the virus.  The community is furious that the father broke the quarantine and exposed the whole city. 

Here's what I think.  This isn’t the mumps or the flu.  This is the major news story in the World.  This is the disease that is paralyzing our entire country with fear.  Americans are fighting over sanitizers and toilet paper and cancelling basketball games.  Universities are closing. The County had one case of this disease, not a hundred, not a thousand.  One case, and they treated it cavalierly*, trusting the family to quarantine itself.  This is the most important thing the County Health Department has ever had to deal with and they just sent the family home with a “be nice little girls and boys and stay in the house”.  It was like telling a rabid dog to “stay”.  Now they have police cars patrolling the family’s house to protect them from irate neighbors.  They should have put that police car in front of the house to begin with in order to enforce the quarantine.  Everybody in the County involved with that decision should be fired.  Twice!

My goodness!  With the Corona Virus frightening the world, tornadoes killing people in Tennessee and Chuck Schumer threatening Supreme Court Justices – it’s a very frightening world.  I’m not sure I should even be trying to make you laugh.  Or maybe, just maybe, this is precisely the time for a few smiles.  Let’s see what we can do.

The virus really has consumed all our thoughts and activities.  Our local Walmart is out of toilet paper; Duke University, where my grandson goes, is closed until further notice; March Madness is going to play its games without an audience; and The Disney Channel has a new program called Mona the Corona, starring Miley Virus.

Fist bump and welcome back for the 157^th time. That’s right, this blog marks the beginning of our fourth year together.  I hope you’re feeling well and washing your hands.  Don’t worry, reading my blog is perfectly safe.  I wore a mask when I wrote it.  But I do feel a little woozy from changing my clocks.  Springing forward always does that to me.

It’s pretty crazy, isn’t it?  This shortage of toilet paper is turning everyone into scavengers.  A friend of mine had a birthday and I was going to bring her flowers, but she called and told me not to.

Now flowers are fine, I suppose

But I don’t want them now, Heaven knows

Just bring some bath tissue

I’ll hug you and kiss you

Cause I can’t wipe my ass with a rose.

See, I knew I could make you smile.  I know what tickles you – dirty words and smut.  You’re my kind of people.

Missouri had a Presidential Primary on Tuesday, and I voted.  The Republicans had five candidates including Joe Walsh.  Wasn’t he a guitar player for the Eagles?  The Democrats had 22 candidates including Marianne Williamson.  Didn’t she smoke pot with the Doobie Brothers?  Twenty-two candidates!  If Michael Bloomberg had gotten that many votes, he’d still be in the race.  The Green Party had three candidates including Howie Hawkins (Howie?).  The Constitutional Party had two and the Libertarian Party had one.  Thirty-three candidates for one job.  Sounds like American Idol.

I had a lunch date this week.  I’m very popular.  This lunch was with a young woman, late 40s, who used to work for me.  My wife advised me against it.  I said, “Why, do you think someone might see us and think I was having a little fling-ding with a young woman?”  No, you fool, she replied.  No-one would ever think you could attract a woman in her 40s unless you were sitting on the last case of toilet-paper in the county.  I am afraid, however, that she might accuse you of sexual harassment or something.  “Seriously?” I replied.  “At Pasta House?  What am I going to do, spank her with a toasted ravioli?”  The lunch was delightful and we caught up on family and old business associates.  I brought home an order of toasted ravioli.

Well, I have to try to excite my wife in some way!  She is certainly not excited by the way I drive.  You see, Carol wants me to go through 100% of yellow lights and 50% of red lights.  You’re not supposed to go through yellow lights, I tell her.  She says that everyone does it.

Well, if by “everyone”, she means that sad Sargasso Sea of human flotsam that wallows through the world awash in an everlasting stupor of stupidity and cruelty, I consider none of them a role model.  I like to consider myself above those huddled masses yearning to drink beer and fart.  Don’t you love it when I get wordy?  I may have gone overboard.  It was only a yellow light.

Have I cheered you up enough yet?  Let’s try this:  When Sadie was 60 years old, she had a dream.  God came to her in the dream and told her that, since she had led such a kind and devoted life, He was granting her 40 more years to live.  Sadie was ecstatic and immediately scheduled extensive plastic surgery so that she would look good for 40 more years.  She got everything fixed up.  After the final surgery, Sadie left the hospital feeling good and looking great.  She was immediately hit by a bus and killed.  When she arrived at Heaven’s Gate, she demanded to see God and reminded Him that He had promised her forty more years.  “How come You ran me over with that bus,” she asked.  Oh my, said God, is that you, Sadie?  I didn’t recognize you.

WEEKLY WORD:  Cavalierly means showing a lack of proper concern for the situation.  Believe me, I am not taking this virus cavalierly.  I want you to do what the health people tell you. Stay well, count your blessings and elbow bump.  I’ll see you next week.

Michael                                             Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com

Blog #156

I went to see Dr. Heart this week.  He’s fine.  And so am I.  Actually, I’m way better than fine.  He says my heart is working beautifully and there’s nothing to worry about.  He even took away one of my pills.  That’s good, because I have more pills than an old sweater.  All of this is great news – I guess.  I mean, with my heart ticking like the intro to 60 Minutes and my hip feeling terrific, I no longer have anything to bitch about.

My hip doesn’t have any pain

My heart is as strong as a train

My skin doesn’t itch

So I’ll just have to bitch

That I’ve nothing much left to complain.

I really should contain my euphoria, however.  As Steven Wright said, “When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”  I guess I could complain about how useless I am.  Yes, I’m good with math and poetry; children love me, I’m good to my wife.  But when it comes to fixing any little thing around the condo, I’m as useless as house-slippers on a snake.

Look!  Up in the sky – it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s USELESSMAN – slower than the Iowa Caucus, unable to open a pickle jar.  USELESSMAN, strange visitor from another century with powers and abilities far below those of other men.  And who, disguised as a short-tempered old man, fights a never-ending battle against getting lost, getting old and getting dressed.

Do you remember that whole Superman spiel?  Clark and Lois and Jimmy and Perry White?  I used to love it.  Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling super yourself.  Did you have a nice Leap Day?  A February 29^th, once every four years, always confuses me.  Am I supposed to take extra pills?  At least it gave me an extra day to write to you.  Guys out there, did you do something on Leap Day that you wouldn’t do any other day of the year – like exercise?  And Girls, did you do something different, like letting your Guy choose his own parking space at the restaurant?  Carol and I went to a movie on Leap Day.

ROTTEN OYSTERS:  The movie 1917 was about two soldiers’ quest to deliver a message to the front lines in WWI.  It was a well-done movie, but boring.  It reminded me of a video game my grandsons play – Call of Duty or something like that.  I was underwhelmed. 

Shout-out to Ellen, the Picky Apostrophe Princess, who criticizes my use of apostrophes.  Did I do it right in “two soldiers’ quest”?  Damn straight!  Hey, I don’t mind criticism.  It means you’re actually out there still reading.

Are you ready for Spring?  It’s March already and Spring is only a few weeks away.  March is Irish-American Heritage Month.  It is also Women’s History Month.  Plus, I believe it’s Jeffrey Dahmer Recipe Month.  His favorite was Leg of Sam.

I have a very good friend, Larry, who is absolutely the political opposite of me.  We get together every few months to sit for an hour and talk politics.  We never get angry; I love it.  But such friendly discussions are not always common, not in politics.  I have a friend in California.  She is single, a little younger than me, and told me she recently went on a dating web-site and entered her deal killers, the traits in a man that would turn her off.  I asked if she eliminated smokers?  That was second on her list.  Never been married?  That was fourth.  Serial killers?  That was third.  But you know what was first on her list of deal killers?  Conservatives!

Amazon has just opened a grocery store in Seattle with no checkers.  You swipe your phone when you walk in and, as you shop, the Amazon God scans everything that goes in your cart and charges it to your credit card or bank account or Apple Pay or Venmo or PayPal or Bitcoin or whatever it is that passes for money these days.  Then they immediately sell your list of purchases to every advertiser on the planet so that before you get home you have 20 emails from Charmin asking you why you bought Cottonelle.

That doesn’t bother me so much.  What bothers me is that all the checkers have lost their jobs.  I have two questions for you.  First, are you in that much of a damn hurry?  Get your life together and spend an extra two minutes checking out so that some hard-working mom or dad doesn’t get fired.  And second, do you truly feel Amazon needs to make more money?  My God, I’m beginning to sound like Bernie Sanders.  Pretty scary!  Besides, with no employees to help me, how am I going to tell a mandarin from a tangelo or find where they’ve hidden the unsalted matzos?

Tomorrow is National Dentist Day.  Really.  I made an appointment at 2:30. I always make my dentist appointments at that time.  You see, I used to have a Chinese dentist.  One day I called him up and said I had a pain in my mouth.  He said, “Ah, tooth hurtee?”  I said tooth hurtee would be a perfect time.  He has a sign in his office that says, MAY THE FLOSS BE WITH YOU.

ANOTHER ROTTEN OYSTERS:  I took my nine-year-old grandson to see Call of the Wild.  Wonderful!  Every nature-loving little boy like Austin and every old, wrinkled-up little boy like me should see it.  And if you are lucky enough to see it together – awesome!

For those of you who can divide by three, you may have noticed that this is Blog #156 which means I have been prattling* to you for three full years.  Congratulations to you for having the stomach and the perseverance to put up with me.  I’ve enjoyed the ride and hope we can do it together for many more years.  That means you have to stay well and count your blessings.  I’m sure counting mine.

WEEKLY WORD:  To prattle is to talk at length in a foolish manner.  Wow, that describes me as perfectly as egomaniac describes Donald Trump.  I’ll prattle some more next week (if they let me).

Michael                                             Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com