Blog #158
I go to McDonald’s every
morning. You know that. This past Sunday (or should it be this passed
Sunday), I was the only customer in the building. That was truly spooky and disturbingly
ominous! The staff was there, just no
customers. But never fear, Limerick
Oyster is still open for business.
The NBA is cancelled, as are the NHL, March Madness, the Masters and
Spring Training. Most universities are
closed for the semester. You’ll have no
sports to watch and nowhere to go, but I’ll be here every Thursday to entertain
you. You should really print the blog
out on your computer. Then you can use it
for toilet paper!
I’ve given up shaking hands,
not because of the virus, but because everybody is out of toilet paper. I heard the best way to protect yourself from
the virus was to paint your face green and get drunk. Or was that just St. Patrick’s Day? Faith and begorrah!
My grandson is thinking of
going to Mexico for Spring Break. I told
him travelling might not be such a great idea, but he showed me a travel
brochure from the Mexican Oficina de Turismo. It said:
Come to Beautiful Mexico.
The weather is fine and you don’t have to worry about the corona
virus. It’s not even in the top ten
ways you can die in Mexico.
All of that was my attempt to
make you smile during a very trying and frightening time. We elderly people are all hunkering down and
staying shut up. One thing I know for sure, there are three old people who I wish would be
shut up: Bernie, Joe and Trump. I know you’re all as stressed out as a
fat person’s pall bearer, and I hope you don’t think I’m being insensitive, but
I realize you are reading and hearing a bunch of gloom and doom all week long
and I’m hoping Limerick Oyster can serve as a little oasis of
cheer and humor.
I have a friend and loyal
reader named Kitty, who lives in Mexico.
Sorry about the cheap Mexico joke, Kitty, but I bet it gave you una
risa.
And speaking of Kitty, Carol
and I have adopted a cat – a three-legged cat, salt and pepper, 9-months
old. He shakes a little when he walks,
so we’re naming him Shakespeare.
Carol does not love cats, but she is being a very good and considerate
wife, so I gave her the right to choose the name. I have a very clever family and they came up
with several possible names for a three-legged cat -- Wobble, Teeter, Tipper,,
I-Lean, Tripod, IHOP, Trip, Trey -- but Shakespeare
it is.
I realize that the main
character in my favorite book was missing a leg and we should have named the
cat Ahab, but Shakespeare has turned out to be the perfect
name. He’s romeo-ing around all the time
and behaving like a little ham-let.
Hi there and welcome
back. I hope you’re feeling calm. I’m glad you survived St. Patrick’s
Day and the Ides of March. At least you have Spring to look forward to. It’s only a few days away. I can’t wait to get back to my job at the
Zoo. I missed a lot of time last year
because of my hip, but this year, I’m fit as a crotchety old fiddle and ready
to greet the tourists and answer all their questions. Where’s the tiger? Where’s the bathroom? Where’s the Starbucks? They just have to get their
Starbucks!
A tall mocha latte –
decaf
And throw in some mint
for a laugh
Oh Hell, make me happy
And make it a frappe
With extra low-fat Half
‘n Half.
Remember when it was a Cup-a-Joe
and cost 30 cents? Now, their prices are
so high I think the name should be changed to Star Ten Bucks.
One
thing I don’t like at the Zoo is that I’m forced to watch the large number of
obese tourists. I suppose “obese” is an
insensitive term. Maybe we should just
call them easier to see. It’s remarkable! (Which is why I just remarked
on it.) You’d think some of
these people were auditioning for a spot in the elephant exhibit. You might suppose that everyone would respond
to the problem of obesity in the same way, but that’s not necessarily true. A Liberal responds by calling for new legislation requiring food producers to limit
the calories in their products while simultaneously making sure that all retail
establishments accommodate obese people under the Americans with Disabilities Act. A Conservative responds by buying Baskin-Robbins stock. Do you own any stock? That’s another thing you can use for toilet
paper.
Are
you still with me? I’m maundering* a
bit. Let’s do a movie review.
ROTTEN OYSTERS: The
movie Yesterday was a silly movie with a ridiculous premise, but it did have two good
things going for it. First, it had a lot
of nostalgically delightful Beatles music sung in a refreshing way, and second,
it had Lily James who is as cute as a three-legged cat.
Even so, skip it.
WEEKLY WORD: To maunder is to talk in a rambling
manner. I guess I did that a lot today,
but I have nothing else to do. Since I
have written the above, everything has closed.
The Zoo, where I volunteer, has closed.
All the libraries have closed.
And McDonald’s is now threatening to close their in-store dining, if you
can call McDonald’s dining.
I have nothing else to do but write to you. Aren’t you lucky?
My
friend and loyal reader, Robert, told me my blog was like a weekly dose of
medicine for him. I liked that, but if
the Oyster is going to be your medicine, I’m obligated to give you certain
warnings: Do not read Limerick
Oyster if you are allergic to giggling.
Side effects may include drowsiness.
But before you nod off, stay
well, wash your hands, elbow bump and don’t panic. We’ll all get through this together. Oh yes, and count your blessings. One of my blessings is that I know you’ll all
come back for another dose of medicine next week. Don’t let me down.
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