Blog #482                                          June 4, 2026

 

Well, I fell.  I was getting ready for my afternoon nap by removing my slacks while standing, a common exercise for men which is accomplished by imitating a flamingo who is also an idiot.  So, the foot got caught and I went down, landing on my right knee and my pacemaker, two apparently indestructible organs.  I was unhurt, but I did scream, in fear and embarrassment, more than pain.  The scream drew no-one.  Carol was not home and Shakespeare, though only three feet away, was enjoying his afternoon torpor and apparently did not care that his loving Daddy was on the floor screaming.  Oh well, no harm, no foul.  Just a warning.

 

Message from Shakespeare, the three-legged cat:  Hereditary sloth instructs me (The Tempest). I weigh eight and a half pounds and have three legs.  How did he expect me to help him up?  The poor fool was just frightened and embarrassed.  I went over and licked his face and rubbed my head against his.  That’s all I can do.  He’s fine.  And what kind of word is “torpor”?  Purr.

 

Weekly Word:  Torpor is a state of physical or mental inactivity; lethargy.  And now that the Word, the Cat and my Confession are out of the way, we can talk.  Hi there, and welcome back.  I hope you are feeling well and ready for some sweet revenge. What goes around comes around. What am I talking about?

 

Do you know how many times my grandchildren have pointed out to me that the most advanced technology I could master was a toothbrush?  Ah ha!  I got ’em back today.  I loaned my grandson my car, and I got a phone call.  Poppy, the air-conditioner doesn’t work.  Austin is 16.  So is my car, and on that old a car the fan is mobilized by turning a knob.  Today’s children don’t know from knobs, just screens.  So I got to teach him something.

 

With iPhones, I know I’m a dunce

And computers, I don’t know a bunch

My kids tease me in play

But I got back today

When I was the expert for once.

 

Next week, I’m going to bring him pictures of telephones attached to the wall with squiggly, twisty chords and cars with little ventilation windows.  He’ll freak out.  Which reminds me of the time I was visiting my daughter.  In the morning, I asked if I could borrow her car to go to McDonald’s.  She tossed me the keys.  I caught them.  You see, in my house as my kids were growing up, we threw things and caught things.  My three girls were (and still are) superb athletes.  If you threw them something, they caught it.  If you pitched a baseball at them, they hit it.  If you slammed a ping-pong ball at them, they slammed it back.  We tossed things everywhere, all the time.  In the living room, in the kitchen, during dinner.  Carol hated that.  My young daughters knew two things:  1) I was haptodysphoric, which means I hated the feeling of peach fuzz, and 2) that if they tossed me a peach, I would catch it, initiating my childish reaction to peaches.  Anything to get Dad.

 

Where was I?  Oh, I caught the keys to my daughter’s car and headed out to McDonald’s.  Her car was new, and therefore unfamiliar to me.  About a quarter of the way to McDonald’s, I realized that my bottom was heating up as if I were sitting on a barbecue grill.  I surmised that the seat warmer was on.  I don’t have a seat warmer in my car, and I could not locate any button, switch, knob or console that would turn it off.  Half-way to McDonald’s, my buns reached medium-well and my chestnuts were roasting on an open fire.  About three-quarters of the way, I stood up.  Have you ever tried to drive a car while standing up?  And why do these new-fangled, spoiled, over-indulged youngsters need a seat-warmer?  Next thing you know, they’ll be wanting the car to drive itself!

 

Last week, one night, Carol was out for dinner and I decided to have sardines.  Yes, slimy, oily, disgusting sardines!  That’s alright, make fun of me.  You could fill the Rose Bowl with people who have made fun of me before you.  I opened the can and placed the sardines on my plate which somehow looked kind of empty.  Toast – that’s what it needed.  I found some bread and put two pieces in the toaster oven.  Then I looked for the START button.  There was no such thing.  There were, however, a bunch of French words next to a corresponding number of English words placed around two circles.  There were also some large numbers which I assumed were temperatures.  There were not, however, any buttons for off, on, stop or start and no timers.

 

So I started playing and was able to make two things happen – light and sound.  The light was accompanied by heat and the sound was most likely a fan.  I somehow made them go on at the same time and, in a short while, my bread became toast.  Easy enough.  Then I tried to turn it off.  I could not find any combination of dials or buttons that would cause both the light and the sound to go off at the same time.  “There is no-one so lost as he who searches for a way where there is no way.”  I thought about calling my wife and asking her how to turn the damn thing off, but if I called her, then all the girls at dinner would laugh at what a fool I was.  Instead, I unplugged the entire contraption, ate my dinner and ran to the computer to write this so that all of you would laugh at what a fool I was.  What a fool I am! 

 

My Princess came home, noticed the unplugged appliance and said, “Couldn’t figure out the toaster oven, could you?”  God, I hate when she’s right!  “No, I could not figure it out,” I said. “It’s French!”  “Well, maybe it’ll make a funny story for your blog.”  God, I hate when she’s right! 

 

Alright, making fun of myself is tiring.  I’m leaving.  Count your blessings, stay well and get back here next week.  We’ll find something to talk about.

 

Michael                          Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com

 

 

 

 

Blog #481                                May 28, 2026

 

Do you like dogs?  I like dogs.  On my last trip to North Carolina, I took one of my daughter’s dogs to a popular dog-walking place.  There were lots of dogs there and the routine is always the same.  My dog sniffs your dog; your dog sniffs my dog and then we exchange breeds.  Mine is an Australian Shepherd, I volunteered.  She’s a rescue dog.  “Oh, mine is a Gerberian Shepsky,” the haughty, short-haired woman replied, describing her obstreperous and vicious-looking pet.  A Gerberian WHATSKY?  Is that the name of a dog or a hockey goalie?  “A dog,” she replied. “It’s a mix of a German Shepherd and a Siberian Husky.”

 

Well, excuuuuuse moi!  You know, it used to be we’d show off our wealth with an expensive purchase.  “Have you seen my new 911 Carrera or my 300-SL?  Do you like my Judith Leiber or my Jimmy Choos?”  Now the glitterati among us show their hifalutin bona fides by mixing up a batch of doggie genes in a blender.  And when they blend the dogs, they blend the names.  No longer do they have collies or poodles or cocker spaniels.  Now they have Yoranians, Chiweenies and Double Doodles.  They have Cockapoos, Corgipoos and Labskies.  They have Bassadors, Cavapoochons and Pitt Plotts.  These are real.  How could I make these up?  Now, instead of hearing “Hi, what a cute dog”, I hear “Would your Double Doodle like to sniff my Chiweenie?”  I just want to go up to these people and scream, “Kiss my Bassador!  Save the two thousand bucks and adopt a rescue dog.”  And Cockapoos?  I haven’t heard that word since I was toilet-training my first grandchild.

 

And speaking of Judith Leiber, I’ve always wondered if, when she passed away some years ago, they buried her in a tiny, little heart-shaped coffin covered in rhinestones.  Probably.

 

This is the perfect time to tell you my favorite dog joke.  You’ve heard it before, but --- here goes.  John and Joe were out walking their dogs.  John had a German Shepherd named Fritz and Joe had a Chihuahua named Taco.  John said, “There’s a bar over there.  I’m going to get a beer.”  Joe reminded him he couldn’t take Fritz into the bar, but John said, “Watch this.”  He and Fritz walked right into the bar and came out ten minutes later.  Joe asked what happened.  “Well,” replied John, “I had my sunglasses on and I told them I was blind and that Fritz was a seeing-eye dog. The bartender was nice enough to give me a free beer and a cup of water for Fritz.”  So Joe decided to try it.  He put on sunglasses and walked into the bar.  “Hey, Buddy,” the bartender said immediately, “you can’t bring that dog in here.”  Joe explained he was blind and that Taco was his seeing-eye dog.  The bartender laughed.  “That’s no seeing-eye dog,” he said, “That’s a Chihuahua.”  WHAT, exclaimed Joe, THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?”

 

And now it’s a perfect time to tell you that obstreperous, our Weekly Word, means noisy and difficult to control.

 

Message from Shakespeare, the three-legged cat:  Thou call’dst me dog before thou hadst a cause, But since I am a dog, beware my fangs (Merchant of Venice).

Dog jokes!  Dog breeds!  I know my Pops likes dogs, because sometimes when he comes home, I can smell that he’s been petting one.  But he should stop talking about smelly, stupid dogs and just tell you what a wonderful cat I am.  Purr.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you are feeling well and enjoyed your Memorial Day, the unofficial beginning of Summer.  Summer, of course, means food, barbecue, food, picnics, food.  Most of my family will be going to North Carolina soon to enjoy a week on the beach.  All my daughters will be there and a good portion of grandchildren, and mostly we will be taking meals in the rental house we will occupy.  My oldest, Jennifer, is the most attuned to the value of healthy foods.  Basically, she has turned into Rachael Ray on Ritalin and everything she buys is organic and natural and fat-free and whole grain with no fructose or GMOs or fatty this or artificial that.  I mean she is the only person I know who has both curds and whey in her kitchen.  Well, I can’t deal with it.  I need chicken.  I stay away from red meat, but I am by nature a carnivore and crave some form of animal protein.

 

With tofu, my heart will stop tickin’

And eggplant will cause me to sicken

No quinoa or curd

Just flip me the bird

This carnivore’s stickin’ with chicken.

 

I’m only teasing.  My daughter only wants to keep me healthy, which I appreciate.  But one time, I was forced to order in some Chinese food.  What could possibly be more American than Chinese food?  I found a local place and pulled up the menu on line.  I’m such a techie.  Then I called and told the nice Chinese lady that I wanted a Number 7 with chicken.  Ok, she said.  And a Number 16 with shrimp.  Ok, she said.  Then I asked her how long.  “How Long not hee today,” she replied.  I said ni hau and gave her my address.  Ni hau means good morning in Mandarin.  Or maybe it means “there is yak dung on your nose.”  I’m not really sure.  In any event, the food arrived and was spectacular.  The only glitch was when I opened the fortune cookie.  It read “Those who insult other people’s noses may die from food poisoning.”

 

Ok, before I go, I need to pick a bone with the NAACP.  Not with what they do, but with their name.  NAACP stands for National Association for the Advancement of Colored People.  It’s about time, I believe, to change the “colored people” designation to “African Americans”.  Don’t you agree?  That will make it the National Association for the Advancement of African Americans, NAAAA, the N Double-A Double-A.  It’s still a catchy name, and I sent a letter to the organization asking if they’d like to make the change.  Their answer was “Naaaa”.   Well, I tried.

 

You’ve probably had enough, so you’re excused.  Stay well, count your blessings and don’t be obstreperous.  See you next week.

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com

 

 

Blog #480                                May 21, 2026

 

Tell me, why is everything so complicated?  Even a glass of water is complicated nowadays.  It comes from the refrigerator door now with bubbles or no bubbles, crushed ice or cubed ice, lime flavor or orange flavor, chilled or room temp.  Even plain old eggs are now organic, cage-free, hormone free, antibiotic free, non-GMO,  free range eggs.  Seriously?  And don’t get me started about coffee.  I was at Starbucks and the lady in front of me ordered the following:

 

A Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino with Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One NutraSweet, and Ice.

 

That is an actual thing available at Starbucks.  I looked it up.  But what confuses me is this:  once you’ve ordered the chocolate brownie iced vanilla with whipped cream, does adding the Sweet’N Low make you feel like Oprah would be proud of you?

 

Did you know that Florida resident William L. once ordered a 101-espresso-shot latte at his local Starbucks that cost $83.75 and came with 17 pumps of vanilla syrup, mocha and green tea matcha powder served with steamed milk?  Each year, Starbucks gives their employees sensitivity training.  Man, if I had to deal with people that wired on caffeine and sugar, I wouldn’t want sensitivity training.  I’d want a flame-thrower. 

 

Hi there and welcome back.  Summer is coming and I hope you’re feeling well and keeping busy.  It’s at this time in my blog every week that I begin to feel anxious about what I’m going to write about.  But I decided not to worry.  Worry is like a rocking chair – it’s something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.  Besides, I’ve come to feel confident that some bizarre concoction of insanity and foolishness will pop out of my strange head if I squeeze hard enough – or drink a Starbuck’s.  Let’s see what’s hiding up there.  How about Presidential assassinations?  That should cheer us all up.

 

In 1975 Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme pulled a gun on President Gerald Ford and pulled the trigger.  The six-shooter she held had four bullets, but the chamber she shot was empty.  Otherwise, she would likely have killed the President.  She is now 77, free and living in New York.  In 1981 John Hinckley fired four rounds into the Presidential limousine, hitting President Ronald Reagan in the chest and wounding three others.  He is 70, also free and living with his mother.

 

Pardon my complete ignorance, but isn’t shooting the President a bad thing?  I thought it was.  Then why are Fromm and Hinckley running around free?  Of course!  I get it now -- Ford and Reagan were Republicans and in Washington, shooting a Republican isn’t considered such a terrible crime.  Hell, everybody’s doing it now!  Nobody shot at Johnson, Carter, Clinton, Obama or Biden.  And the guys who tried to shoot Trump will probably be pardoned by the next Democratic president.  You’ll notice that the guy who shot a Democratic president (Kennedy) was dead two days later.

 

I’m getting old.  No, I know you’re not and Carol surely isn’t, but I am.  And that means my grandchildren are growing up.  The 5^th oldest of my eight grandchildren just graduated high school this week Summa Cum Laude.  That means there are only a few proms in the future.  Of all the members of the family, the one most obsessed with the Prom experience is Carol.  When our oldest, Zachary, was prom age, my imperious wife urged and cajoled him for months about asking someone to the Prom by telling him how happy he would make the girl’s mother.  I’m trying to remember if, when I asked Carol to our High School Prom, I was thinking of her mother.  Let’s move on.

 

Luckily for Grandma Busy-Body, the Prom was the weekend we were in North Carolina, and Carol was peppering Zach for days with tips and suggestions about how to behave.  He was very receptive to all the suggestions except the one about the step-stool.  You see, Zach drives a pickup truck.  Everyone in North Carolina has a pickup truck, and his is a big one.  It is so tall off the ground that I cannot get into the thing without a Sherpa.  Hence, the step-stool, so the girl won’t have to pole vault into the truck with her high heels and tight dress.  I mean, how happy would the girl’s mother be if the girl broke her leg before dinner?  It’s all about the mother.  Anyway, he rejected the idea, so Carol enlisted Zach’s twelve-year-old sister to do a dry run.  She put on some of her mother’s heels and gave it a try.  She made it.  It wasn’t elegant, but it worked.

 

Our Weekly Word is imperious, which means fond of ordering people around.  Sound familiar?

 

Now here I am with nothing else to do today.  Bummer!

 

Whether you’re in the shade or the sun

Having nothing to do is not fun

Besides which, it’s true

When you’ve nothing to do

You never can tell when you’re done.

 

I’ve got it!  A terrific new business idea!  I’m not kidding here, so listen up.  Have you ever had a cat that became unruly or incontinent?  You don’t want to put poor old Fluffy down, but what choice do you have?  What we need is an old folk’s home for cats.  Don’t laugh – yet!  For $99 a month we will board your cat, feed him his favorite food, and let him tinkle anywhere he damn pleases.  You can visit him and play with him.  You can even Facetime him.  We’ll have a vet on call and a cemetery out back (a nice plaque is extra).  We’ll call it Feline Gardens or Meow and Later or Tom & Geriatric or something.  Think about it.

 

Message from Shakespeare, the three-legged cat: "Oh, that way madness lies; let me shun that (King Lear).  I know the old man goes looney sometimes, but that’s the craziest idea he’s had yet.  I am not going to any old-cat’s home, and that’s that!  Says the cat!  Purr.  And who the hell is Fluffy?

 

Ok, another week.  Seven damn days closer to the future.  Well, one good thing the future has – next week’s blog.  Don’t miss it.  Stay well and count your blessings.

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com

 

 

 

Blog #478                                May 7, 2026

 

Last weekend, we took a little trip to Las Vegas.  Southwest Airlines was wonderful.  The plane was on time and the flight was pleasant.  Just the thought of the amazing engineering and sophisticated technology that goes into crafting a vehicle that can carry 200 people through the air at 30,000 feet and 600 miles per hour while carefully monitoring electronically every meteorological and aeronautic aspect of the flight is mind-bending.  It makes you wonder, though, (and I know you know what’s coming) – it makes you wonder why these super-smart engineers cannot design a speaker system on which you can actually understand what they’re saying.  “The captain scribbitz gwaldemang tooseidram the cokseld.”  And the system in the terminal is even worse.  “Would the passenger Qgoblhet Jugfurnace, please fribitz his flabunglator to gate forsemonty.”  They can take people to the Moon.  You’d think they could make a speaker system.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well.  Did you celebrate May Day on May 1 and Star Wars Day on May 4?  May the fourth be with you.  And if you don’t know what that means, well, I’m not sure what to say.

 

I hope it’s not one of those days for you.  You know what I mean, a day when everything is wrong, hopeless or broken.  It seems like a lot of days are one of those days nowadays.  I’m feeling it too.  Maybe it’s just my weekly angst over finding something that will entertain you.  I mean it’s been 478 weeks and often I worry where the next thought is coming from.  478 weeks!  That’s longer than any of Elon Musk’s wives lasted.

 

But I decided not to worry.  Worry is like a rocking chair – it’s something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.  Besides, I’ve come to feel confident that some bizarre concoction of insanity and foolishness will pop out of my strange head if I squeeze hard enough.  How about a confession.

 

I don’t actually know why I feel the compunction to lay bare all the peccadilloes, foibles, idiosyncrasies and utter stupidities that speckle my life.  But here it is.  On the way back from Las Vegas, I left my computer at the airport.  You know, you have to put your laptop in a separate bin and run it through security, and I forgot to retrieve it.  I’m sure there were notifications on the loud speaker announcing that some blithering fool had left his computer behind, but of course, nobody could understand the loud speaker.  I didn’t realize what I had done until I got home and unpacked my carry-on.

 

I was devastated, embarrassed, almost suicidal.  Me without my computer is like a snail without a shell, like a car without a steering wheel, like a baby without his bankie, like a politician without his teleprompter.  I wigged out and had a mini-breakdown.  But my trusty, loyal, clever and lovely wife rescued me.  She called the lost and found at the airport.  They located the errant electronics and Fed-Exed it to me within a couple of days.  Thank you, Honey.

 

You didn’t know I had foibles, did you?  That’s our Weekly Word and means minor weaknesses or eccentricities.  I’m loaded with them.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  Praising what is lost makes the remembrance dear (All’s Well That Ends Well).  I hope Pops doesn’t lose me somewhere and have to ship me home in a box.  I’m not traveling anywhere with him.  He’s not trustworthy.  I’ll just stay here and wait for him to come home.  If he can find it.  Purr.

 

Now to something important.  Do you have a middle name?  Do you remember your middle name?  Is there any reason for having a middle name?  I am convinced that the sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.  If my mother called out “Michael”, she just wanted to see me.  If she yelled “Michael Bruce”, I knew some serious punishment was on my horizon.  Some people have more than one middle name, like Julia Scarlett Elizabeth Louis-Dreyfus.  I have a granddaughter with two middle names.  And then, of course, there’s Picasso, or should I say:

 

Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso

 

That’s his real name.  By the time he wrote all that on the canvas, there was so little room left he had to squash up the faces.

 

I just got the mail.  Let’s see – a discount on hearing aids, an invitation to visit the new elderly facility, a free dinner if I listen to a money manager, 30% off at Kohl’s and a whole bunch of stuff addressed to Resident, Occupant or Loser.  Is this too exciting for you?  This is my life!

 

But wait, what’s that?  A small envelope with a hand-written address and no bar codes.  It was from my granddaughter – snail mail.  Not an e-mail or a fax.  Not a text or a tweet or a twit or a twoot.  Not a Facebook or a YouTube or a Snapchat.  Just a little old envelope with my name written on it in pencil.  I dove for it like a pelican after a sardine.  Isn’t it funny how something as simple as an actual letter can be so exciting?

 

I needed a battery in my watch and I went to a Chinese-run place that sells purses and belts and hats and gimcracks of all sorts.  I walked in and said Ni Hau to the owner.  That’s Mandarin for “hello”.  I learned that when I taught English to Chinese students.  The owner replied, “We’re Korean. We all look alike.”  I apologized, of course.  When I left, she said, “Goodbye, John.”  No, I said.  Don’t you remember me?  I’m Michael.  Oh, she replied:

 

Please put on my record a strike

I truly forgot you were Mike.

I’m just poor Korean

Have trouble with seein’

Besides all you Whites look alike.

 

I think I’m finished for this week.  You made it through another one.  I’m proud of you.  Stay happy and in good health, count your blessings, and Hung Hau.  That’s Mandarin for “Your camel has whooping cough.”  You’d be surprised how often that comes up.  See you next week, if I don’t lose my computer again.

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com

 

 

 

Blog #476                                April 23, 2026

 

Sorry, but I have to mess up my schedule again.  Next week’s blog will arrive on Wednesday, not Thursday.  Just a minor blip that I’ll explain later, so heads up!  It will arrive next Wednesday.  Now, on to the weather.

 

It’s the rainy season here in St. Louis.  Carol hates rain.  Rain is anathema.  I’m not sure whether it’s a hair thing or she’s related to the Wicked Witch of the West.  Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.  She is constantly tuned to a weather app so she can plan when to leave the house.  My oldest daughter is like that too.  We were on a vacation in North Carolina with Jennifer and her family and had stayed inside the whole night because Carol and Jennifer had determined that the forecasts were ominous.  It did not rain a drop.  Then the next morning, right after breakfast, the two of them, whom I had begun to refer to as Cloudy and Cher, were watching their electronic devices again.  “I think today is the day we should stay in the house; the forecast is 60% storms.”  While the Storm Sisters were thus preparing to ruin my day, I was on the porch where I could see a beautiful sunny sky with not a cloud in sight.

 

The women just sit and complain

“The forecast is calling for rain!”

If Columbus’ crew

Had included those two

We’d all still be living in Spain.

 

Andre Gide said one doesn't discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.  That probably includes getting wet as well.  Did you know there was a mutiny on Columbus’ first voyage?  The crew said they were going home.  “Not all of you are going home”, said Columbus.  “The ones that I kill are staying here.”  I must confess that story is apocryphal and does not occur in official histories, but I like it.  And yes, I do my research to validate all the things I tell you.

 

Message from Shakespeare, the three-legged cat:  The rain, it raineth every day (King Lear).  I never get to go outside, but I like to sit by the window and bathe in the sunshine.  I don’t mind the rain, if it keeps Pops and Carol from going out.  I don’t like being alone.  That’s why I write to you every week.  Oh, today I am seven years old.  Wish me a Happy Purr-thday.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  And Happy 7^th Birthday to Shakespeare.  I love him so much.  I hope you’re feeling well and staying out of the rain.  You can stay dry by shopping at Whole Foods.  Going to Whole Foods with Carol is always interesting.  She shops while I maneuver the cart in the constricted aisles clogged with hungry, health-conscious do-gooders clad in jogging gear and clutching reusable sacks.  As we passed the egg department, I noticed a sign assuring us that these eggs had been harvested from cage-less chickens.  I read on and learned that the chickens responsible for these pearly ovoid beauties are not kept in individual cages but are allowed to roam around the barn where water and food are available at various stations.  This was beginning to sound appealing.  Free food and drink, lots of exercise, no work, no tax returns, no Joy Behar and all you have to do is lay eggs.  Maybe I should learn how to do that.

 

When I got home, I flew to the Internet looking for egg-laying lessons and found a bunch of bitchy Vegans complaining that cage-less chickens were still overcrowded and never let out of the barn.  What do they want the farmer to do, take these birds to a Broadway show?  You knew a list was coming, didn’t you?  Here it is, Broadway shows for chickens:

 

The Best Little Henhouse in Texas

Bantam of the Opera

Guys and Fowls

The Gizzard of Oz

 

Let’s see, here’s something else I can bloviate about.  I just got a new medication prescribed.   It’s some nerve something and I looked it up online to check out the side effects.  See, there’s that dogged research again.  Here’s what I found – dizziness, drowsiness, weakness, tired feeling, blurred vision, headache, strong cravings for McDonald’s in the morning and a strange compulsion to read Moby Dick.  I’m pretty sure I can handle it.

 

I will add the new pill to my already impressive menu of pills, capsules, ointments, salves, nose sprays, lotions, potions and soft gels.  I have carefully categorized pill-takers into four groups.  I have so much free time!  The groups are Free Lance, Organized, Anal and Screwball.   Free Lance includes those of you who simply know what pills to take and when to take them.  Organized pill-takers need some additional help and use a pill box with seven compartments marked with each day of the week.  Anal pill-takers – you know, maybe that’s a poor choice.   By anal, I don’t mean suppositories; I mean someone who makes sure the oven is off before leaving the house – five times.  Or someone who goes to McDonald’s every single morning.   Anal pill-takers have a pill box with fourteen compartments so the medicines can be split between a.m. and p.m.

 

And then there is the Screwball category which includes me.  I just fill each compartment with one kind of pill.  When it’s time to take pills, I open them all.  I still think a great parlor game would be for each person to write down all their pills on a piece of paper and throw it into a pile.  One list would be chosen at random and everybody would guess who it belongs to.  We’d call it Who Wants to Be a Pillionaire?  Kind of like Colonel Mustard in the Kitchen with the Stool Softener.   I confess I’ve used that line before, but with your memory? -- I’m pretty sure you’ve forgotten.  That’s because you take too many pills.

 

And I guess you want to know what bloviate means.  It is our Weekly Word and means to talk at length, especially with arrogance.  I guess that describes my blog pretty much every week.  But you’ll be back, won’t you?  What would I do without you – lay eggs?  Please stay well and count your blessings.  And remember, the blog will be on Wednesday next week.

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com

 

 

Blog #475                                April 16, 2026

 

Have you ever gone into a car dealer and bought the first car the salesman showed you?  Well, that’s how my wife feels when the hostess leads us to a table at a restaurant.  It’s obviously the worst table, the one they want to fill because it is somehow flawed, and the hostess must think we are ignorant losers who will accept a horrible table.  Therefore, the first table offered is never acceptable.  Never!  I hope they have round tables in Heaven, because, if not, she’s going somewhere else.

 

Last weekend, we had finished dinner (at the second table they offered us) and it was time to pay the bill.  There were five people and coupons for two free entrees and the ensuing confusion of how to allocate the free entrees reached Carol’s Threshold of Impatience, which, I don’t have to tell you, is about the size of a cricket’s eyebrow.  I could feel the Earth tremble as I looked at her.  “I just wish I were the Dictator and I could tell everybody how to do this,” she whispered through clenched, but beautifully white, teeth.  “What do you want to have happen?” I asked.  She told me and I immediately took control, exerted my dominant masculinity and did exactly as my wife told me.  I just need a little direction sometimes.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well.  Have you done your taxes yet?  They were due yesterday, I think.  Well, not always, because if April 15^th is Sunday, then the due date will be pushed to Monday, April 16^th.  But wait, April 16^th is Emancipation Day.  Emancipation Day celebrates the day when Lincoln freed 3,100 slaves living in the District of Columbia.  Remember Lincoln?  He’s on the penny.  Remember the penny?  All the Federal workers in DC are off on Emancipation Day.  So, I guess your taxes could be due on the 17th.  No, no, hold on – the 17th is National Bat Appreciation Day (look it up!), and no-one’s going to leave their house on a day like that.  So I guess it’s the 18th, except that is National Animal Crackers Day, and no-one who celebrated Emancipation Day is going to file their taxes on a day dedicated to Crackers.  Well, shoot!  Don’t file your taxes at all.  Nobody cares about your damn taxes anyway.  Certainly not your politicians.

 

Message from Shakespeare, the three-legged cat: “O excellent! I love long life better than figs” (Antony and Cleopatra).  I don’t know what taxes are.  I don’t even know what money is.  I just know I have food and water and a warm lap to sit on.  And my wonderful Pops.  Life is really good.  Purr.

 

You know, of course, that I don’t drink.  But that doesn’t prevent me from challenging you with a compendium of some rock n roll lyrics about alcoholic beverages.  You like quizzes, don’t you?  Humor me.  My mind is still a little fuzzy, and I have to fill this blog up.  Here are the questions.  Remember, the songs are about alcohol.  Answers later.

 

1.     Who lost his jigger of salt?

2.     Where did the Captain say they hadn’t had those spirits here since 1969?

3.     Good ol’ boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye, but what were they singing?

4.     When the microphone smelled like a beer, what did the piano sound like?

5.     I met a gin-soaked barroom queen in Memphis.

 

Weekly Word:  A compendium is a collection of detailed information about a particular subject.  In this case, boozy rock n roll.

 

I don’t know what else to talk about today.  Maybe some new crazy idea I have or maybe something that makes me angry.  Let’s try both.  Here’s the new idea.  It’s for you ladies out there, and I like it a lot.  Wardrobe History Tags.  Attached to the hanger holding that cute little black dress will hang one of my Wardrobe History Tags, a small, round, smart, voice-analytic device.  We’ll call her Dressy.  When you pick out what you’re wearing tonight, just press the button and say, “Dressy, I’m going to Tony’s tonight with Fred and Ethel.”  Dressy will respond, “Hello, Carol.  You wore this dress to Tony’s last November, but you’ve never worn it with Fred and Ethel.  It’s ok to wear it tonight.  Try those little black boots with the silver buckles.  The pink nail-polish will look fabulous!”

 

And what makes me angry?  Silly political correctness.  Now they’re even changing the Bible.  Yes, the Catholic bishops have come out with a revised Bible which has replaced “booty” with “treasure” and “fine flour” with “bran flour” and God knows (appropriately) what else.  Of course, the Reform Rabbis have already changed the Torah to expunge any reference to God as a man by changing Father to Parent and King to Ruler to avoid bruising any tender feelings.  It’s all very politically correct.  Re-write The Bible to avoid all references to gender, harmful foods, sexual preference or non-efficient light bulbs.

 

The words of the Bible are pleasant

But they must be brought to the present

So now what is right

Is “Let There Be Light

“As Long As It’s Not Incandescent”

 

Be fruitful and use Common Core.  And who knows what they’re going to do with My Cup Runneth Over.  I think that’s the name of Stormy Daniels’ new book.  (Ok, I’m not proud of that.)

 

And here’s another thing.  I have always wondered why, in a movie, they have to show the actors smoking.  Yes, we all did it back in the 50s and 60s, but the story would not be changed if we eliminated the smoking, would it?  I mean, he didn’t burn the girl to death with his cigarette butt.  And don’t give me the argument about historical accuracy.  That didn’t seem to bother anybody when the show Hamilton made George Washington black.

 

It’s time to leave now.  Here are your answers to the alcoholic questions:

 

1.     Jimmy Buffet – Margaritaville

2.     Hotel California.  (Eagles)

3.     Bye Bye Miss American Pie.  (Don McLean).

4.     A carnival.  (Piano Man, Billy Joel)

5.     Honky Tonk Woman. (Rolling Stones)

 

I hope you enjoyed today’s issue, kind of a hodge-podge of weirdness, like it always is, and I hope you have a lovely week.  Stay well, count your blessings and be back next Thursday.  I’ll be there.

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com