Blog #156
I went to see Dr. Heart this
week. He’s fine. And so am I.
Actually, I’m way better than fine.
He says my heart is working beautifully and there’s nothing to worry
about. He even took away one of my
pills. That’s good, because I have more
pills than an old sweater. All of this is
great news – I guess. I mean, with my
heart ticking like the intro to 60 Minutes and my hip feeling
terrific, I no longer have anything to bitch about.
My hip doesn’t have any pain
My heart is as strong as a train
My skin doesn’t itch
So I’ll just have to bitch
That I’ve nothing much left to complain.
I
really should contain my euphoria, however.
As Steven Wright said, “When everything is coming your way, you’re in the
wrong lane.” I guess I could complain
about how useless I am. Yes, I’m good
with math and poetry; children love me, I’m good to my wife. But when it comes to fixing any little thing
around the condo, I’m as useless as house-slippers on a snake.
Look! Up in the sky – it’s a
bird, it’s a plane, it’s USELESSMAN – slower than the Iowa Caucus, unable to open a pickle jar. USELESSMAN, strange visitor from another century with powers and
abilities far below those of other men.
And who, disguised as a short-tempered old man, fights a never-ending
battle against getting lost, getting old and getting dressed.
Do
you remember that whole Superman spiel?
Clark and Lois and Jimmy and Perry White? I used to love it. Hi there and welcome back. I hope you’re feeling super yourself. Did you have a nice Leap Day? A February 29th, once every four
years, always confuses me. Am I supposed
to take extra pills? At least it gave me
an extra day to write to you. Guys out
there, did you do something on Leap Day that you wouldn’t do any other day of
the year – like exercise? And Girls, did
you do something different, like letting your Guy choose his own parking space
at the restaurant? Carol and I went to a
movie on Leap Day.
ROTTEN OYSTERS: The movie 1917 was about two
soldiers’ quest to deliver a message to the front lines in WWI. It was a well-done movie, but boring. It reminded me of a video game my grandsons
play – Call of Duty or something like that. I was underwhelmed.
Shout-out
to Ellen, the Picky Apostrophe Princess, who criticizes my use of
apostrophes. Did I do it right in “two
soldiers’ quest”? Damn straight! Hey, I don’t mind criticism. It means you’re actually out there still
reading.
Are
you ready for Spring? It’s March already
and Spring is only a few weeks away.
March is Irish-American Heritage Month. It is also Women’s History Month. Plus, I believe it’s Jeffrey Dahmer
Recipe Month. His favorite was Leg
of Sam.
I
have a very good friend, Larry, who is absolutely the political opposite of
me. We get together every few months to
sit for an hour and talk politics. We
never get angry; I love it. But such friendly
discussions are not always common, not in politics. I have a friend in California. She is single, a little younger than me, and
told me she recently went on a dating web-site and entered her deal
killers, the traits in a man that would turn her off. I asked if she eliminated smokers? That was second on her list. Never been married? That was fourth. Serial killers? That was third. But you know what was first on her list of
deal killers? Conservatives!
Amazon
has just opened a grocery store in Seattle with no checkers. You swipe your phone when you walk in and, as
you shop, the Amazon God scans everything that goes in your cart and charges it
to your credit card or bank account or Apple Pay or Venmo or PayPal or Bitcoin or whatever it
is that passes for money these days. Then
they immediately sell your list of purchases to every advertiser on the planet
so that before you get home you have 20 emails from Charmin
asking you why you bought Cottonelle.
That
doesn’t bother me so much. What bothers
me is that all the checkers have lost their jobs. I have two questions for you. First, are you in that much of a damn
hurry? Get your life together and spend
an extra two minutes checking out so that some hard-working mom or dad doesn’t
get fired. And second, do you truly feel
Amazon needs to make more money? My God,
I’m beginning to sound like Bernie Sanders.
Pretty scary! Besides,
with no employees to help me, how am I going to tell a mandarin from a tangelo
or find where they’ve hidden the unsalted matzos?
Tomorrow
is National Dentist Day.
Really. I made an appointment at
2:30. I always make my dentist appointments at that time. You see, I used to have a Chinese dentist. One day I called him up and said I had a pain
in my mouth. He said, “Ah, tooth
hurtee?” I said tooth hurtee
would be a perfect time. He has a sign
in his office that says, MAY THE FLOSS BE WITH YOU.
ANOTHER ROTTEN OYSTERS: I took my nine-year-old grandson to see Call
of the Wild. Wonderful! Every nature-loving little boy like Austin
and every old, wrinkled-up little boy like me should see it. And if you are lucky enough to see it
together – awesome!
For those of you who can
divide by three, you may have noticed that this is Blog #156 which means I have
been prattling* to you for three full years. Congratulations to you for having the stomach
and the perseverance to put up with me.
I’ve enjoyed the ride and hope we can do it together for many more
years. That means you have to stay well
and count your blessings. I’m sure
counting mine.
WEEKLY WORD: To prattle
is to talk at length in a foolish manner.
Wow, that describes me as perfectly as egomaniac describes
Donald Trump. I’ll prattle some more
next week (if they let me).
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