Blog #400                                November 7, 2024

 

I overheard my wife talking to a friend who was recovering from surgery.  Carol, the kind and caring person that she is, offered to bring her some dinner. “No,” the friend said, “I don’t want you to go out.”  Don’t be silly, my wife said, I’ll just send Michael out to do it.  Send Michael out to do it?  What am I, the Chinese butler in Auntie Mame?  I’ll send Hop Sing out to do it.   I’ll tell Hop Sing to go to the store.  Oh, Hop Sing, can you drop me off at the door; it’s raining.  Oh, Hop Sing, can you get me a mocha frappe while you’re out?  Oh, Hop Sing, go on Amazon and buy me a new shirt.   I dug out our marriage contract just to review exactly what I had promised 57 years ago, and there it was – love, honor and obey.  At least that’s what my copy said.  Hers said – push, wheedle and control.

 

And don’t get all Funk & Wagnalls on me because the Chinese butler in Auntie Mame was named Ito.  I like the name Hop Sing better.  Hop Sing was the cook on Ponderosa. 

 

I have a question.  You’re sitting on the couch watching television, and somebody is next to you – your spouse, your grandchild, Jake from State Farm -- whoever it is.  You wouldn’t dream of grabbing a blanket and throwing it on them, would you?  But let them fall asleep, and you run to the nearest blanket and instantly drape it over them.  Then you turn down the volume on the TV and turn off the lights.  Why do we do that?  The person was supremely comfortable with the surroundings.  That’s why he or she dozed off.  So why do we immediately change their temperature and the sound and the light?  I admit not having an answer.  I don’t have all the answers, you know.

 

But I do have you.  Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you are feeling supremely comfortable.  Have you noticed that the weather is getting colder and Winter is on the way?  That means that the street repair season will finally come to an end.  I truly will not miss all those orange cones and steel plates and detours.  And, of course, Daylight Saving Time is over, and with the time change this week, you’ve had to wait an extra hour to get your Limerick Oyster.  I hope it’s worth the wait.

 

Did you have a nice Halloween?  Were you frightened by all the eldritch and vulpine monsters roaming the streets?  Did you give out candy?  I opened the door for the first Trick-or-Treater and he thought I looked so ugly, he gave me candy.   That’s an old Rodney Dangerfield joke.  I didn’t really give out candy.  I love candy and would have been eager to go trick or treating myself.  I could have dressed up like an old codger.  It would have been easy, I do it every day.  But, alas, some joys are relegated exclusively to children.  Besides, in this world, the candy can be dangerous, especially to old folks. 

 

The candy they thought would just thrill us

We tested for Covid bacillus

Then x-rayed as well

But hey what the Hell

The sugar will probably kill us.

 

The election is over.  Carol and I voted.  You voted.  We have a new President.  It was a long, frustrating and vitriolic campaign, but it is finally over.  The majority has spoken.  For those of us whose candidate did not win, we need to accept the majority’s wishes and move on without poisoning ourselves with hatred and constant criticism.  Can you do that?  I hope so. 

 

I can’t decide whether the Weekly Word should be eldritch or vulpine or vitriolic.  You only get one, you know.  I wouldn’t want to overload your brain cells.  Let’s do vitriolic.  It means “with cruel and bitter criticism”. 

 

Missouri has early voting, which started two weeks before election day, and that’s how Carol and I voted.  We went to a local library and stood in line for about an hour, but that’s not what bothered me.  There were 43 candidates, propositions, amendments and judges to vote on, and for each one, you had to fill in a box completely with a black pen.  In this age of Artificial Intelligence, instantaneous communication all over the world, missions to Mars, watches that tell you how long you slept and frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that taste delicious – why isn’t there a better way to vote?  It takes five to ten seconds to ink in each box so that no white shows (remember hanging chads?).  By the time you read all the candidates, propositions, amendments and judges and finish blackening each box thoroughly, it’s taken you twenty minutes.  Ridiculous.  Why don’t they give us a Magic Marker instead of a pen?  Why don’t they just let Amazon run the election?  Amazon can deliver a case of cat food anywhere in the country in four hours; they could surely run an efficient election.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  We are such stuff as dreams are made on; and our little life is rounded with a sleep (The Tempest).  I fell asleep on the couch while Pops was watching the election results.  The couch was soft and warm and perfect.  Then Pops turned off the television and threw a blanket over me.  And woke me up!  Purr.

 

Rotten Oysters:  We went to a movie theater.  Remember them?  This was an old- style theater with seats that did nothing.  They didn’t recline or warm your tush or give you a massage or take your blood pressure or do a rectal exam.  They just let you sit on them.  And while we were sitting there, we watched a movie.  It was called Conclave and was dark and pointless and disappointing.  Sorry.

 

As you probably have noticed at the beginning of this exercise, this is Blog #400. Wow, that’s an awesome and somehow frightening number.  We’ve been at this for 400 weeks.  Let’s see – 400 divided by 52, carry the leap year and figure in that a year is actually 52⅓ weeks.  Whatever it is, it’s been a long ride.  Thanks for being aboard.  Next week will be #401.  Be there.  Until then, stay well and count your blessings.

 

Hop Sing                                           Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com