Blog #402                                         November 21, 2024

 

You know, they’re still burning American flags in Iran.  I’ve never seen Americans burning Iranian flags, or any foreign flags for that matter.  I guess we’re too busy burning our own flag in protest of something or other.  I wonder if American flag companies make two versions, flammable and inflammable.  Well of course they don’t, because flammable and inflammable mean the same thing.  Like habitable and inhabitable or ravel and unravel or caregiver and caretaker.  Who invented this language, Homer Simpson?

 

I remember the time when Carol lit a Yahrzeit (memorial) Candle for her mother.  She did not want to leave it out where Shakespeare could knock it over, so she put it in the guest bathroom and closed the door.  It promptly locked itself and no-one could get in.  She asked me to fix it.  Asking me to fix something is like asking Ray Charles to thread a needle.  It’s like asking Donald Trump to be humble.  It’s like asking Dr. Oz to run Medicare.  The knob had no keyhole, only a little tiny pinhole in the center.  I tried a bent-up industrial sized paper clip for an hour.  No dice.  The candle burned within.  Then I went to play bridge where one of the guys suggested I use an Allen wrench.  “What is an Allen wrench,” I queried?  He went to get one from his toolbox.  An Allen wrench turns out to be a bent-up industrial sized paper clip.  He lent it to me, and when I got home I tried it for an hour.  The candle still burned within.

 

I wasn’t getting anywhere with all these little tools, so I decided to use a big tool – Carol’s brain.  She determined that the locking mechanism was too far in to use a paper clip or Allen wrench.  How she knew this bit of mechanical trivia escapes me, but I switched to a long, wooden shish-kebab skewer and Open Sesame, it worked.  What a woman!  She cooks, she sews, she shops, she plays bridge, she plays golf, she shops, she plays mahjong, she gets her toes done, she shops, she reads, she gets her hair done, she shops.  What a woman!

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well.  Have you noticed that Christmas songs are already appearing on the radio?  Here are some new ones for this year:

 

·        You’re a Mean one, Mr. Gaetz

·        Oh Kamala Faithful

·        There’s No Place Like Noem for the Holidays

·        Gramma Got Run Over by a Trumpster

·        He’s got Tulsi and Vivek and Oz and Stefanik

Marco and Hegseth but please do not panic

‘Cause do not forget

The most famous reindeer yet

Elon, the Richest Reindeer.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  The bird of dawning singeth all night long (Hamlet).  My favorite Christmas Song is All I Want for Christmas Is a New Left Leg.  Purr.

 

And speaking of Elon Musk, he has certainly been in the news a lot lately, what with his closeness to the Trump campaign.  Whatever you may think of his politics, you have to admit he’s a prescient genius.   I mean, he has his own spaceship company which eventually will take you on interplanetary vacations.  It’s called SpaceX.  Just think of the miles!

 

If spaceflight is what you desire

Come fly with us – higher and higher

You’ll visit the stars

Get suntanned on Mars

Plus six trillion miles – Frequent Flier.

 

Prescient is a good Weekly Word.  It means having or showing knowledge of events before they take place.

 

Have you been to a movie lately?  We almost went to one last week.  I got an email ad offering a Movie Watcher Reward which would give me $1 off on the purchase of a combo.  That sounded good, so I looked up what a combo included, and discovered it was a large popcorn, large soda, a 12-inch long Snickers bar, three pair of Levi’s and a Toyota mini-van.  If I bought all of those, I would get the $1 discount.

 

Instead, my clever wife has decided we’re better off just watching movies at home.  Yes, my 21^st Century Fox has put together a list of movies specifically for old people.  Here are a few:

 

·        The World According to AARP

·        Rheumatism at the Top

·        To Kill an Early-Bird

·        Cataract on a Hot Tin Roof

·        Dude, Where’s My Car

·        Cleopatra, Queen of the Senile

 

Alright, enough of this foolish folderol; let’s talk about something important. Next week will be Thanksgiving.  Let me give you a few tips.  First, mellow out.  I know Uncle Peevish is a bore and Cousin Itt’s hair is too long, and the brother-in-law voted for You-Know-Who, but hey, families are like fudge –mostly sweet with a few nuts.  And take a little extra time in planning the seating arrangement.  You wouldn’t want to make a mistake.  Think of it this way -- if Paris had not been seated next to Helen, there wouldn’t have been a Trojan War.

And most important, please don’t spend Thanksgiving Day complaining about the life you live and the world you live it in and who was elected President.  Nobody wants to hear you bitch on a day set aside to being thankful.  Even in this difficult world, you can still find a way to be positive!  You have a whole week to come up with a list of things you and your family can be thankful for.  Here are some helpful suggestions:

·        Be thankful for your health.  It could be worse. 

·        Be thankful you live in a world with FaceTime, Zoom, X and email so that you can be in touch with your family.

·        Be thankful that the election is over. 

·        Be thankful we don’t elect a President every two years.

·        Be thankful you have something to read on Thursday mornings that makes you laugh.  That would be Limerick Oyster, in case you have fallen asleep already.

·        Be thankful this blog is almost over.

 

I’ll bet you’re prescient and know something that will take place in the future.  You know that next Thursday there will be another Limerick Oyster, don’t you?  So stay well and count your blessings.  Don’t just count them, write them all down and read them next week on Thanksgiving.  I’ll talk to you then.  For now, I’m done!  Turn me over and baste me, because this bird is outa here!

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com