Blog #350                                November 23, 2023

 

What’s the biggest lie you have ever heard?

·        When the car salesman told you the original tires would last 60,000 miles?

·        When the cable company said we’ll have a guy out there today?

·        When the nurse said this won’t hurt?

·        When Bill Clinton said I did not have sexual relations with that woman?

 

Nope!  The most outrageous calumny you’ve ever been told is: the colonoscopy prep doesn’t taste as bad as it used to.  Let’s use calumny as our Weekly Word.  It means a false statement. And, by the way, when Dr. Sleep puts you under for the colonoscopy, why do they make you count backwards from 100?  You never even get to 97, so they should just make you count backwards from 3.  And why do you have to count backwards?  Is this a test?  Sorry, if you can’t manage to count backwards, then I’m afraid we won’t be able to shove this camera up your ass.  Why do you have to count at all?  Why don’t they just tell you to say goodbye twice?

 

And why does it seem that all the people of the world are lying to me or trying to kill me or steal my car?  Just getting up in the morning makes me feel like a worm in a field of robins.  Do I have to spend my life watching out for these people?  Is everyone in the world bad?  Is every priest a pedophile?  Is every politician a liar?  Is every car salesman trying to cheat me?  Are all of them antisemitic?  I don’t want to go through life mistrusting everyone.  Except the car salesmen and the politicians, of course.

 

It’s time to stop all this political folderol.  Politicians and bullshit go together like Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce.  Do you know who you want for President?  Don’t tell me you haven’t decided yet.  The highway of life is paved with dead squirrels who couldn’t decide which way to go.

 

 

 

We all know who we don’t want for President.  We don’t want Trump and we don’t want Uncle Joe.  I propose a candidate that would get 90% of the vote from both Republicans and Democrats.  Prince Harry for President.  We love the British Royals.  We fawn and gush over every royal wedding and royal baby, and every time we check out at the grocery, we pick up the magazines with Meghan’s picture.  Wouldn’t we just plotz over Meghan as First Lady?  Or would that be First Duchess?  Besides, Harry’s never going to be King, so he’s available.

 

At least there are some people I can trust – and that’s you, my loyal readers.  Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling spectacular, staying warm and getting ready to spend a glorious Thanksgiving with those you love.  Carol and I are in North Carolina with my oldest daughter and her family.  My daughter lives in a relatively small community and cannot find the Everything Bagels she loves.  The last time we flew up for Thanksgiving, I brought her a dozen of the smelly little things packed in my carry-on.  As it was moving down the conveyor toward the x-ray, the TSA agent took a sniff, looked up at me and said, “Ah, everything bagels!”  True!

 

You can’t carry on, Mr. Fox

Whatever you have in that box

The smell is so vile it

May knock out the pilot

Or make him turn back for some lox.

 

Edward Payson Powell, an American author, said, “Thanksgiving Day is a jewel to set in the hearts of honest men; but be careful that you do not take the day, and leave out the gratitude.”

 

Happy Thanksgiving.  It’s my favorite day.  It’s my favorite food.  I have so much to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving Day.  There’s my wife (yes, I’ll say something nice about her: she’s special and wonderful and I adore her).  And there are my children, my grandchildren, my children-in-law, my friends.  I’m thankful for my health and I’m thankful for the opportunity to talk to you every week.  Count your blessings, everyone. 

 

I know you are troubled by the world at war, your constant struggle to stay healthy, the frustration you feel about politics, and the cost of nearly everything.  But today we must be thankful for the food we are fortunate to share and the people we can share it with.  Please enjoy your holiday.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  Thy head, thy sovereign; one that cares for thee . . . Whilst thou liest warm at home, secure and safe. (The Taming of the Shrew).  I’m very thankful to have Pops and the warm home he gives me.  There are lots of toys and good food, and he scratches me and plays with me.  He’s a good human, even if he left me alone to go to North Carolina.  But I have my neighbors to come over and take care of me.  I’m thankful for them too.  Purr.

 

I do not eat breakfast.  Stop, don’t tell me that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  I just heard Dr. Oz say that was a lie your mother told.  Now, everybody’s into the Intermittent Fasting thing, and complaining what a sacrifice it is not eating for 14 straight hours.  Well, it’s certainly better than the diet I used to be on.  It was called the Cardiologist’s Diet:  If it tastes good, spit it out.

 

I don’t get it.  I’m finished eating dinner at 7:00 and I don’t eat until lunch at 11:30. That’s 15½ hours, for those of you who flunked 4^th Grade Math.  Actually, it’s 16½.  For lunch I often make PB&J on Ritz crackers.  Now that’s delicious!  I’m assuming you all know that PB&J means Peanut Butter and Jelly, although I suppose it could mean Pork Bellies and Jerky or Pickled Beets and Jell-O or Pinto Beans and Jambalaya or Pistachio Ben & Jerry’s.  I have way too much time. 

 

But you don’t, so I’ll let you get back to whatever it is you do when you’re not reading your Limerick Oyster.  Stay well, count your blessings and have a lovely Thanksgiving.  I hope I have lightened your spirits with a giggle or two.

Thank you for letting me be a part of your Thursday.  I’ll talk to you next week.  Don’t miss it.

 

Michael                                    Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com