Blog #347                                November 2, 2023

 

Recently, a pilot, deadheading as a passenger, tried to crash an Alaska Airlines flight by turning off the engines in mid-flight.  He claimed he took some mind-blowing mushrooms.  It lends a new meaning to the term Dead Head, doesn’t it?  There has been too much passenger violence on airplanes lately.  We need to restrain these people, so I’ve decided to start a new Airline – Nasty Air.  Here’s the pitch – you sit, you fasten your seatbelts, they automatically lock.  No-one is allowed to leave the seat until the plane lands.  If you have to use the potty, you raise your hand and a well-armed Potty Patrol will escort you to the bathroom, one at a time. 

 

If you think this is inconvenient, fly some other airline.  We don’t serve food; we don’t serve drinks.  We don’t waste time scanning you or searching you.  We lock your ass in a seat and get you there quick and in one piece.

 

Pay heed to this safety recording

We’re Nasty and treat you according

We’re not gonna slow you up

Frisk you or blow you up

And please urinate before boarding.

 

The violence in this country is escalating and alarming.  We’re afraid to fly, afraid to go to certain parts of our own cities to eat or attend sporting events.  We’re afraid to send our kids to college. 

 

Hi there and welcome back to Limerick Oyster, a place where you’re never afraid.  You might be shocked, angered, horrified, indignant or even amused, but you know I will never hurt you.  I hope you are feeling well today.  Let’s see if I can find something unfrightening to talk about.

 

I received a lot of comments saying that last week’s blog was dark or depressed or hateful.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Maybe I was a little more crabby than normal, but, after all we’ve been through, if I can’t be bitchy with you, who can I?  And hateful?  I don’t hate anybody.  Well, maybe a few people, but they’re the same people you hate too.  They include:

 

·        The person in front of you driving too slowly

·        The person behind you driving too fast

·        Anybody who works for your cable company

·        Your proctologist (Dr. Asshole)

·        The guy who invented the child-proof caps for pill bottles that none of us old people can open

 

My spirits do need a little lifting actually with all the violence and antisemitism we see every day.  Sometimes I feel lower than Vivek Ramaswamy’s poll numbers and as useless as a snake with a typewriter.  Maybe it’s the shortening daylight or the political landscape.  Someone suggested I look for a younger woman.

 

Nonsense!  I have a wonderful, smart and beautiful wife (don’t tell her I said that).  Besides, some young chick would be as safe with me as a virgin with a eunuch, as safe as a lobster with a Vegan, as safe as an electric razor in Afghanistan.  And what would I do with some Gen X chick?  Twitter?  Watch her count my wrinkles?  Let her teach me how to use Apple Pay?  Maybe I could let her cut my pills in half.  Just the fact that I have to ask the question shows that we would have as much in common as Al Sharpton and Marjorie Taylor Greene.

 

And why do we have to cut our pills in half?  In 2022, the top three drug companies took in $197 billion.  With all that money, can’t they make the pill in the size my doctor prescribes?  Apparently not.  So we have to sit there, with reading glasses, fitting the little thyroid pills into a miniscule slot and plunging the blade down to cut them in half like some near-sighted antediluvian sushi chef.  Even if we’re careful, most of them get flipped onto the floor or in the toilet.  Instead of taking half a pill every day, why don’t we just take a whole one every other day?

 

I’ll tell you why.  Because we won’t remember!  We can’t remember our passwords, our next doctor’s appointment or our youngest grandchild’s name.  We can’t remember who was with Kelly Ripa before Mark Whatshisname.  We can’t remember – well, I forgot.  So how are we supposed to remember to take a pill every other day?

 

Message from Shakespeare:  I’ll note you in my book of memory (Henry VI Part 1).  All I need to remember is where the food is and where Pops likes to sit and read.  I always jump on his lap, sniff the book and curl up.  Then he gives me a nice rub.  I like it best when he reads a boring book and falls asleep.  Purr.

 

Here’s another thing that stresses me out – getting dressed.  I once read a humorous line that said, “If the Fashion Police really existed, you’d be serving a life sentence.”  What do they mean if?  The Fashion Police does exist.  It sleeps next to me every night and then, every morning it looks at me like I was a duck with two bills.  I shiver when I get dressed – not because I’m cold, but because I’m frightened that the socks don’t match the belt or the socks don’t match the shoes or the socks don’t match each other or that there’s linen somewhere.

 

Some days, she tells me, “If you’re planning to leave the house dressed like that, don’t stand or walk anywhere near me.”  Other days, when she’s feeling charitable, she’ll just look at me and say, “Did the mirror break?”

 

Weekly Word:  Antediluvian which means before the Biblical flood; very old.

 

Last week, the Richmond, CA City Council voted (5-1) to support the Palestinian people with a resolution that accuses Israel of “ethnic cleansing”.  It was the first city in the United States to do so.  That’s bad enough.  What makes it worse is that my middle daughter and two of my grandchildren live in Richmond.  Just horrible!

 

Well, I hope you had a fun Halloween. Enjoy your spooky self, stay well, count your blessings and avoid stress.  But don’t avoid me.  I’ll be back next week.  Be there or I’m hiding your Halloween candy.  And don’t forget to set your clocks back Saturday night.  If you don’t, next week’s Oyster will come an hour late.  Or is it early?  And pray for Israel.

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com