Blog #164

One afternoon this week, my daughter, three kids and a dog came to visit us.  They came into the entry lobby of our condo building and stood on one side of the glass partition while Carol and I were on the other side.  We hugged through the glass.  We got to talking about their new dog and our new cat and somehow the subject of a previous cat came up.  When my daughter had to put the cat down, she told the kids the cat went to live on a farm.  My granddaughter Charley said she didn’t find out the truth for several years.  I said, “Charley, if your Mom ever tells you that Poppy went to live on a farm, she’s lying.”  The kids were horrified I said that, but smiled anyway.

I often get asked how I come up with things to talk to you about.  It’s easy really.  I just keep my eyes and ears open for, as St. Louis TV sports reporter Zip Rzeppa used to say, the best, the worst and the weirdest.  This week I’m on a rant against some of the things I’ve observed.  Bear with me.

ITEM:  Washington University in St. Louis announced last week that it was going to furlough 1,300 workers at its hospitals because of losses.  Let’s do the math: 1,300 employees for three months at an average of $50,000 a year is a little over $16 million.  Wash. U. has an endowment of $8 billion, 500 times the $16 million amount.  When asked by a reporter why they couldn’t use some of that endowment to pay their workers, a spokesperson started talking about earmarks and special funds.  How many lawyers did it take to come up with that Happy Horseshit excuse?  Pay your damn employees.  What is the matter with you?  And, by the way, if you showed even a scintilla* of compassion for your employees, your alums would donate more money.

ITEM:  Disney is laying off 100,000 theme park employees.  More math: wait, I know you don’t do math.  But you’re not alone.  Four out of three people struggle with math.  Just carry the two and count your toes and trust me.  It’s a billion dollars to pay these 100,000 people for three months.  But Disney made over $12 billion in profits last year.  Pay your damn employees.  I’m beginning to sound like my Socialist grandson – pretty scary.

And who is Disney going to lay off from their theme parks?  The Seven Dwarfs?  I can hear them singing:

          Heave Ho, Heave Ho – it’s out of work we go!

And there’s more:

They’re going to layoff Snow White

I tell you it just isn’t right

They’re going to can

Our Poor Peter Pan

And repossess Tinkerbell’s light.

Message from Shakespeare:  I am ill at these numbers. (Hamlet).  That’s right, I’m not good at math either.  I’m still trying to figure out how a cat with three feet and a man with two feet can stay six feet apart.

Hi there and welcome back.  I trust you are feeling well and fighting your boredom.  I hope this virus doesn’t last until September because I’m pretty sure you can’t wear a white mask after Labor Day.  Carol was practicing starting a Zoom session, so she invited me to join.  I did and immediately saw my wife big and beautiful on my screen.  It was the closest I’ve been to her face in six weeks.  Now back to being angry. Sorry.

ITEM:  Two cats in New York tested positive for Covid.  The news channels are overcrowded with reporters crying and screaming that we don’t have enough tests in this country.  But we have enough for cats?  My oldest, wonderful daughter in North Carolina had a bout of fevers and lethargy this week.  We all thought she had Covid.  She went to get tested and they refused to give her the test, saying she didn’t show the right symptoms.  But they tested the friggin’ cats?  Who’s running this planet, Tony the Tiger?  Actually, Donald Trump reminds me of Tony.  He’s big and he’s orange and he claims that everything he does is Grrrrrrrreat! 

I had an appointment with Dr. Rhythm.  He takes care of my pacemaker.  I called to cancel because of you-know-what, but they talked me into having a virtual appointment online.  I have a monitor under my bed.  It’s the size of a challah and routinely monitors my heart activity via radio transmissions from my pacemaker.  So, I manually sent a transmission to Dr. Rhythm the day before the appointment and signed up online by filling out a questionnaire.  I got to the question about gender and there were these choices:  Choose Not to Disclose, Female, Genderqueer, Male, Other.  I swear that’s the truth.  I have three questions:

First – What?

Second – What’s this Choose Not to Disclose category?  It’s your doctor.  You don’t want to tell your doctor what gender you are?  If I had a doctor who didn’t know what gender I was, I’d get a new doctor.

Third – Did you notice that Male was 4^th on the list?  Male is now the 4^th most popular gender?  Beam me up, Scotty.

Weekly Word:  Scintilla means a trace or very small amount, as in: “This blog has only a scintilla of humor”.  Sorry, I had some things to get off my chest, and now that I’ve had that chest reduction, I’ll be back next week with some humor.  In the interim, work on your math by counting your toes. If you come up with ten, you’re fine.  If you come up with 15, you’re my cat.  Actually, that’s not true.  Cats only have four toes on the back feet, so Shakespeare has 13 toes. 

Looks like it’s time to go.  As I always say, stay well and count your blessings.  As Mr. Spock says, live long and prosper.  As Lester Holt says each night, take care of yourself and each other.  As the Army recruiter says, be all that you can be.  And as my wife often says, if the Queen had balls she’d be the King.  Words to live by.  See you next week.

Michael                                    Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com