Blog #162

Day 31 of being quarantined with a beautiful, clever and devoted woman.  Well, someone has to do it.  Sorry if I am a bit uxorious*.  Now there’s a Weekly Word if ever I heard one.  Uxorious means showing an excessive fondness for one’s wife.  Guilty as charged.  Actually, Carol had that added to our marriage vows.  To Love, Honor and be Uxorious.  ‘Til wearing golf shorts with long black socks do us part.

Hi there and welcome back.  I’m still here.  Well, of course I’m here.  There’s nowhere else I could be.  I couldn’t be there, because if I were there, then that there would be my here.   Now you could be there, but I couldn’t be there, even if we were together, because I am always here and you are always there.  Got it, Mr. Einstein?  It’s all relative.  So, when you look at a map that says “You Are Here”, just say:

That sign doesn’t make sense to me

It says “You Are Here”, but you see

It’s perfectly clear

Of course I am here

Just where the hell else could I be?

I may have gone a little stir crazy.  Have you noticed?  It’s because I have been here for 31 days.  Hollywood has certainly recognized our cooped-upedness and has responded with some quarantine-inspired product.  The first movie to arrive is a tragedy about women forced to stay home by the virus, unable to get their hair done.  It’s called ROOTS and stars Jennifer Gray, Betty White and Ron Silver.

Next is the story of a man who sits on the toilet juggling his last three rolls of toilet paper.  It’s called Game of Thrones and stars Sonny and Charmin.  Who could have imagined that this year, Passover Rolls would mean toilet paper?  I know, I have too much time.  But, now that I think of it, when the quarantine is over, I don’t really have any place to go anyway.

I can’t wait for those movies to come out.  Anything would be better than watching a twelve-year-old golf tournament.  Or Andrew Cuomo.  That man has been on television more than Hoda Kotb.  Actually, do you know who holds the official Guinness World Record for “most hours on camera”?  I’ll give you a hint – it is not Johnny Carson or Walter Cronkite or Big Bird.  Answer to follow.  See, isn’t that clever?  Now you have to read the rest of this crap just to get to the answer.

I just heard Carol tell Alexa to set a timer, and, as Alexa responded, I saw Shakespeare lounging on the couch.  Wouldn’t it be great if my cat would behave like Alexa?  Shakespeare, tell me the capital of Bangladesh.  Shakespeare, play some Beatles.  Nothing.  But then I don’t have much better luck with Alexa.  Yesterday, I told her to play James Taylor music.  She said, Sorry, your wife told me not to listen to you.  So there I am, with a cat who thinks I am his own personal slave, a wife who knows whose personal slave I am and an Alexa who thinks I am an annoyance.

And no Olympics!  Since there will be no Olympics this year, my wife's Bridge Group has used their ingenuity to create a bunch of new Olympic Events.   There’s Synchronized Talking – the Bridge Group are the reigning World Champions and practice every day Zooming with their glasses of wine.  Then there’s Women’s Floor Exercises – participants mill around a restaurant floor looking for a round table with a view.  The world record (held by my bride) is four rejected tables in less than 60 seconds.  She’s writing a new book now to help women find the best spot.  It’s called The Queen and her Nights at the Round Table.  And, of course, there’s Women’s Volleyball, where the players wear gloves so they shouldn’t break a nail.

Speaking of competitions, there was a nationwide vote taken lately to determine The Biggest Presidential Liar of all time.  Bill Clinton was voted First but claimed he was Second and Donald Trump was chosen Second but bragged he was First.

Message from Shakespeare:  ‘Cry “havoc!” and let slip the dogs of war’ (Julius Caesar)  Dogs?  What dogs?  Dogs are sloppy, messy and stupid.  Even with three legs, I could destroy any old dog.  And dogs do tricks.  How low class!  Yesterday my Pops tried to teach me a trick.  Who does he think he is?  He can’t even make Alexa listen to him.  

Yesterday, I put on my mask, made from a yarmulke, and my hospital gloves.  It looked like I was about to do an appendectomy on a Rabbi.   But no, I just needed some groceries.  And it wasn’t the sanitary paraphernalia that I had to wear that aggravated me.  It was the people:

First, the selfish, lazy ignoramus who clogs up an entire lane in the parking lot, with 12 cars behind him, waiting for a space to open so he can save himself 15 feet of walking.  Second, the disrespectful, crass, but perfectly healthy person who parks in a handicapped space. Third, the inconsiderate, egocentric doofus who monopolizes the “12 or Fewer” lane with 42 items.  And fourth, the one who is not wearing a mask.  Do you see any of these people in the mirror?  Aren’t you ashamed, Elizabeth? 

From 1952 to 1955, Betty White starred in a sitcom called Life with Elizabeth, and when she would do something naughty, the announcer would say, Elizabeth, aren’t you ashamed?  She would nod her head and then giggle.  She was so cute!

Okay, the person who holds the Guinness Record for Most TV Airtime is Regis Philbin with more than 16,000 hours.  If you guessed Hugh Downs, you were close.  He was second.  And that brings us to the end of this week’s adventure into boredom, silliness and madness.  We’ll do some more next week.  I’ll still be boring, silly and as imbalanced as a three-legged cat.  Oops!  Until then, wash those hands, don’t touch that nice face and count your blessings.

Michael                                    Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com