Blog #141

What’s the biggest lie you have ever heard?

·        When the car salesman told you the original tires would last 60,000 miles?

·        When the cable company said we’ll have a guy out there today?

·        When the doctor said this won’t hurt?

·        When Bill Clinton said I did not have sexual relations with that woman?

Nope!  The biggest lie you’ve ever been told is that the colonoscopy prep doesn’t taste as bad as it used to.  And, by the way, when they put you under, why do they make you count backwards from 100?  You never get to 97, so they should just make you count backwards from 3.  And why do you have to count backwards?  Is this a test?  Sorry, if you can’t manage to count backwards, then I’m afraid we won’t be able to shove this camera up your ass.  Why do you have to count at all?  Why don’t they just tell you to say goodbye twice?

And why are all these people lying to me or trying to kill me or steal my car?  Just getting up in the morning makes me feel like a worm in a field of robins.  Do I have to spend my life watching out for these people?  Is everyone in the world bad?  Is every priest a pedophile?  Is every politician a liar?  Is every car salesman trying to cheat me?  I don’t want to go through life mistrusting everyone.  I really try to believe and to trust the people I meet.  Except the car salesmen and the politicians, of course.

At least there are some people I can trust – and that’s you, my loyal readers.  Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling spectacular, staying warm and getting ready to spend a glorious Thanksgiving with those you love.  Carol and I are flying to North Carolina to be with my oldest daughter and her family.  My daughter lives in a relatively small community and cannot find the Everything Bagels she loves.  The last time we flew up for Thanksgiving, I brought her a dozen of the smelly little things.  I packed them in my carry-on, and as it was moving down the conveyor toward the x-ray, the TSA agent sniffed, looked up at me and said, “Ah, everything bagels!”  True!

You can’t carry on, Mr. Fox

Whatever you have in that box

The smell is so vile it

May knock out the pilot

Or make him turn back for some lox.

Today I went to my cable company and negotiated a new deal.  I was satisfied with the deal until they handed me a new modem and said I had to replace the old one.  It’s easy, they said.  Here are the instructions.  My mind immediately filled with disaster movies – War of the Worlds, Independence Day, Titanic, Honey I Shrunk the Kids.  Nothing good was ever going to come of putting a piece of electronic equipment in my hands.  It’s easy.  Just unplug the old one and plug this one in.  Then call this number to activate.  Instead, I called the Fire Department, the Navy Seals and Ghostbusters!  I was never going to be able to do this.  I have no level of expertise, so everything is beyond it.  I have no pay grade, so everything is above it.  I have no league, so everything is out of it.  I was, therefore, not terribly surprised when it didn’t work.  They sent a repairman.  I felt better.

Almost every year, I go to see an opera with a friend.  I hate the opera, but I like the friend.  Last night was my sixth, Madame Butterfly.  Madame Butterfly is about a Japanese (played by a Chinese) and an American (played by a Brazilian) singing in Italian with English subtitles, so it’s confusing before it even gets started. The beautiful 15-year-old Japanese girl (Cio-Cio-San) was played by a fat, 40-ish Chinese woman with a huge pimple on her chin.  And the American sailor (Pinkerton) was played by a man who looked like he had swallowed two beachballs.  It’s a good thing the opera had two intermissions, because these people obviously require a meal every 45 minutes.  

God, in His, Her or Its wisdom, did not endow me with the capacity for loving opera.  At least I’m willing to try, but after six attempts, I have still not encountered one I would be willing to see a second time.  There are some “modern” operas that I like.  I love Porgy and Bess and Sweeney Todd and Phantom, but not Evita.  There’s nobody to like in Evita.  Juan Peron was a murdering Fascist pedophile.  Eva was a lying power-hungry whore.  Che was a brutal and dirty Communist.  Not exactly Huey, Dewey and Louie.  I bet they’d fit in perfectly with the people running for President.

MOVIE REVIEW:  Matt Damon and Christian Bale are wonderful in Ford v Ferrari.  I liked it a lot.  Maybe a little too much time in the racecars, but the story and the acting are well worth it.

I do not eat breakfast.  Stop, don’t tell me that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  I just heard Dr. Oz say that was a lie your mother told when you were growing up.  So those few extra pounds you can’t seem to get rid of?  It’s your Mother’s fault.  Now, everybody’s into the Intermittent Fasting thing, and complaining what a sacrifice it is not eating for 14 straight hours.  I don’t get it.  I’m finished eating dinner at 7:00 and I don’t eat until lunch at 11:30. That’s 15½ hours, for those of you who flunked 4^th Grade Math.  Actually, it’s 16½.  For lunch I often make PB&J on Ritz crackers.  Now that’s delicious!  I’m assuming you all know that PB&J means Peanut Butter and Jelly, although I suppose it could mean Pork Bellies and Jerky or Pickled Beets and Jell-O or Pinto Beans and Jambalaya or Pistachio Ben & Jerry’s.  I have way too much time.

But you don’t, so I’ll let you get back to whatever it is you do when you’re not reading Limerick Oyster.  Stay well, count your blessings and have a lovely Thanksgiving.  I’ll talk to you next week.  Be there.

Michael                                    Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com