Blog #142
I was driving down the street this morning, noticing
that the multi-colored magnificence of early Fall foliage had disappeared,
replaced now by the withering drabness and decaying litter of approaching
Winter. I felt low. Then I remembered a quote from an author
named Anthony D’Angelo – Wherever you go, no matter what the weather,
always bring your own sunshine.
And I can think of no better way of bringing sunshine than to wish all
my friends and loyal readers a wonderful, happy and delicious Thanksgiving. Turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes and brown
gravy, apple pie. It’s my favorite meal
and my favorite day.
I had a delicious Thanksgiving meal, with all the
above goodies, last Thursday.
My English class and the volunteer tutors (that’s me) were invited to a
Thanksgiving lunch sponsored by the Adult Education program. The food was terrific, and I got to eat with
two beautiful young ladies from Taiwan and talk about Asian politics. Yes, Thanksgiving is my favorite day.
Of course, my least favorite day is any
day when I have to speak with my cable company or my telephone company. These are monstrously big corporations with
tens of millions of customers, all of whom are treated like worthless
cattle. Car salesmen are saints compared
to cable company employees. Our new cable and internet bill is $150. It includes the ACC Network. I signed up for that and got the receipt. When I got home, I tried the ACC
Network. Not there. I got on the phone. The first five people I talked to agreed that
I was supposed to get the ACC Network, but they couldn’t make it work. The sixth one said, “I can make it work and
your bill will be $160.” I went nuclear. My heart was running faster than Usain
Bolt. My Pacemaker was hotter than
wherever Jeffrey Epstein is. I asked the
young woman to tell me whether the first five people I had talked to were lying
to me or just ignorant. She said she’d
get back to me. I held. When she got back to me, she said I can give
it to you and your bill will be $140. If
I ran a hotdog stand that way, I’d be out of business by the second day.
Would
you like mustard, Sir, with your All-Beef Weiner? Yes?
Well, here’s the hotdog and the bun.
The guy with the mustard will be here between 1:00 and 3:00. And the mustard will be another $1.50, unless
you want Grey Poupon which we can deliver tomorrow morning at an extra cost. How much?
I’m not sure, it depends on the taxes.
I could include a pickle with that, but only if you’re a new
customer. And the All-Beef Weiner is
actually pork.
I asked every single cable
employee whether they used their own company.
Not one of them said yes.
Hi there and welcome
back. I hope you are feeling great and
your stomach is prepared for some delicious food -- and for Black Friday? That’s the
day we concentrate on shopping and forget about cable companies and how many
Ukrainians it takes to screw in a light bulb.
Carol, like most women, loves to go shopping on Black Friday. I would rather have my fingernails pulled out
by Rudy Giuliani. The only thing I hate
worse than Black
Friday is Cyber Monday. Keep the
extra $200 I would save by fighting the Friday crowds or suffering the slings
and arrows of an outrageous Internet.
I’ll be happy to pay a little more in exchange for some peace and
personal service. That’s just me.
So, as on every Black Friday,
I will drop my favorite little shopper off at her favorite stores and patiently
wait while she has her holiday mallgasm.
I usually do my waiting (with a book, of course) at a fast-food
restaurant where I can get a Diet Coke. Maybe I’ll pick up a girl, I tease. She
laughs. Why
are you laughing? I may be old, but I’m
… experienced. Her reply is always the same:
If
you want to pick up the right kind
Who’s
sexy and young, you will find
That
if you don’t flash
A
whole lot of cash
The
one you pick up will be blind.
She always knows how to
brighten my day. That’s why I call it
Black Friday. Well, at least the
Democrats have taken a week off from their impeachment inquiry. We need a break. But they’re not forgetting it. The Democrats even have a Thanksgiving meal
planned with all the appropriate foods.
It starts with an appetizer of calamari (also known as Squid-Pro-Quo), then a Trump
Roast with some Ukraine-berry Sauce. And for
dessert? Impeach
Melba.
Has a stranger ever come
up to you and said, “You’re an Oyster”?
We recently went to a fine seafood restaurant for dinner and had
a lovely meal, after which I excused myself to use the restroom. I found the quiet little hallway with the two
facing doors, but they were not marked MEN and WOMEN. Nor LADS and LASSIES. Nor CABALLEROS and SEÑORITAS. Nope, some clever little seafood person had
decided to label them PEARLS and OYSTERS. Ok, cute, but now what? Pearls or oysters? Was I missing something? I stood there
feeling like Monty Hall had just found a hard-boiled egg in my shoe and was
giving me the choice of Door #1 or Door #2.
I must have looked sufficiently confused, as well as desperate, because
a waitress passed by, glanced at me and said (you guessed it), “You’re an
Oyster”.
Duh, I thought, knocking
myself in the head, of course I’m an oyster.
I’m the Limerick Oyster.
In fact, I’m your Limerick Oyster, the aged and addlepated
clown who has been sending you strange thoughts and stranger limericks for 142
weeks. Aren’t you tired of me yet? No? Then
I guess I’ll have to write another one next week. Until then, stay well and count your
blessings. And if you happen to see a
kindly old man sitting alone at a table with a Diet Coke and a book, c’mon over
and say hi.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
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