Blog #140
It’s time to stop all this
political folderol. We all know who we
want for President. It’s not Trump or
Warren or Uncle Joe. We all know the
candidate that would get 90% of the vote from both Republicans and
Democrats. So why waste our time and
energy on this craziness? Let’s just do
it! Prince Harry for President. We love the British Royals. We fawn and gush over every royal wedding and
royal baby, and every time we check out at the grocery, we pick up the
magazines with Meghan’s picture on the cover.
Wouldn’t we just plotz over Meghan as First Lady? Or would that be First Duchess? Besides, Harry’s never going to be King, so
he’s available.
And speaking of checking out
at the grocery store, we were doing that -- well, I was doing that while Carol was reading the magazines with Meghan's picture on the cover -- when she told me we could get our
groceries delivered. Why would I have my
groceries delivered? Have I lost my
ability to drive? Have I turned
blind? “Well,” she said, “it could
be raining.” My little princess
does not do rain. Now
Meghan, besides being our next First Lady, is a Princess, a Royal Highness, a
Duchess and a Baroness. But that doesn’t
mean she outranks my Princess.
Are you reading this, Honey?
Phew! Anyway, I responded that
there is no weather event that could keep me from going to the grocery store, and
that if I ever get my groceries delivered, make sure they include a bottle of
arsenic.
I’m looking for a better deal
on my cable and internet provider.
Aren’t we all? Cable companies
are the snake-oil salesmen of the present.
They lie to you about the cost, the service, the terms. They raise your price every chance they get
and give better prices to new customers than to loyal and steady
customers. I know you recognize your
cable company in there somewhere. So I
just got a quote from AT&T to compare with my current bill from
Spectrum. I would try Sprint, but a few
years ago, Sprint actually began dropping customers who called customer
service too frequently. I do not
lie. They sent letters to those pesky
pains in the tush, informing them they were no longer welcome at Sprint. Here’s what those letters looked like:
About your renewal?
We pass.
We have to release you, alas
So please let us be
Call AT&T
Because you’re a pain in the ass.
Granddaughter
Zoey (16) got me to download Spotify so I could listen to a podcast she liked. Then I realized it was for music too. I am so clueless about these things. I know as much about the iPhone as Stevie
Wonder knows about Air-Traffic Control.
I probably know how to do less than 2% of what a smartphone can do. But could I live without my phone? No!
How else would I be able to bore my friends with pictures of my
grandchildren? Anyway, I got
Granddaughter Charley (11) to teach me how to get songs and make a playlist. I’m in Heaven! Rock ‘n Roll!
One
of the first songs I added was Alice’s Restaurant, a 22½ minute rambling
story by Arlo Guthrie accompanied by his guitar. In 2007, I was visiting a shrink twice a week
for depression. I was also listening to Alice’s
Restaurant, all 22½ minutes of it, every night.
Every single night for an entire year. Of course, over the weeks, the shrink learned
everything there was to know about me.
We talked about depression and we talked about my drinking. He’s the one who stopped me from drinking by
telling me if I didn’t stop, I would lose my wife. I never had a drop after that. Not one.
One time he said I was obsessive-compulsive. I told him I didn’t think I was. He replied, “Are you kidding? You listen to Alice’s Restaurant every single
night!”. I guess he was right.
Anyway,
I don’t drink any more and I don’t listen to Alice’s Restaurant any more, but when I
listened to it on Spotify just now, I got a big smile. Plus, I picked up some new songs from some of the
really old artists. Paul McCartney recorded
a song after his doctor measured his height and told him he had shrunk another inch:
Will you still need me, will you
still feed me, when I’m two-foot-four?
Here
are some more Newies by the Oldies:
·
The Stones – Goodbye Senior Tuesday
·
Elton John – Bennie and the Stents
·
Paul Simon – 50 Ways to Lose Your Liver
If you’re not the lead
dog, the view never changes. That’s a phrase which, in its various forms,
means the leader has a clear view and the followers can’t see anything except
some other dog’s butt. Being a follower
sucks. Actually, I don’t think the lead
dog is so terrific. It’s the lead dog’s wife
that runs the show:
Listen, Nanook, you’re
going the wrong way. You couldn’t find
your way out of a McDonald’s bag if they left you a trail of French fries. If they dropped you in the middle of Seattle,
you couldn’t find a Starbucks. So forget
this call of the wild crap; you’re going where I tell you. And when we get there, don’t forget I’m not
eating that dried caribou slop you and your pack of losers eat. Get me a Caesar salad with the dressing on
the side. And pine nuts. Speed up, and stay clear of those clouds over
there. I do not do rain.
Speaking of dogsleds and bad
weather, it’s cold out there. It’s
colder than a stethoscope! It’s so cold
I saw Lindsey Graham and Nancy Pelosi hugging!
It’s so cold I saw Elizabeth Warren go inside a tent to keep her
Wig-Wam! It’s so cold I saw Joy Behar
snuggling up to Donald Trump because he’s so full of hot air! Ok, that’s enough. You can go now. But be back next week. I might even say something funny for a change
and you wouldn’t want to miss it. Stay
warm, stay well and count your blessings.
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