Blog #139
I think we need to change the
world. Men seem to be useless. We can’t dress. We’re always lost. Every decision we make is wrong (at least
that’s what Carol tells me). Let’s turn
the World over to women. If we do, we
won’t need the UN or NATO any more, just the A Group and the B
Group. And there wouldn’t be any
more wars. Women don’t make war. It would just be: “I’m not calling
France. I called last time and she
didn’t call back. It’s her turn to
call. Oh, and there was a tsunami in Sri
Lanka? Send a tray.”
Those men never know
what they’re do-N
They totally messed up
the U-N
To deal with Iran
We don’t need a man
They’re not good for
much except screw-N.
IN THE NEWS:
Congratulations
to Conan, the Belgian Malinois military working dog that aided in
the recent US operation that killed Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the head of ISIS. Conan is going to be a guest at the White
House. But wait, Nancy Pe-Lassie has
accused the doggie hero of Collie-usion with a Russian Wolfhound and is asking
for an Im-pooch-ment inquiry. What a
crazy world we live in!
IN THE NEWS:
“Actress and political
activist Jane Fonda said on Friday that she’s not purchasing any more clothes
as a way to fight climate change.” Yup, that was in the news this week. There was a time when I would have been
excited to hear Jane didn’t have any clothes.
Not so much anymore. But I kind
of like the thought process. No more new
clothes. And let’s stop using cars and
airplanes. Oh, and turn your electricity
off and your cellphones. And building
houses wastes wood and that kills trees and trees clean the air and yadda,
yadda. We should all just move into
caves and live in the dark and smoke pot.
And then we can call that progress!
Thanks, Jane.
Jane, whose real name is Lady
Jayne Seymore Fonda, is worth $200 million. So yes, Jane, you can skip buying another
Armani blouse and call that political activism. Or, maybe, you could sell all your stuff and
give $200 each to a million homeless people so they could buy a coat for the
winter. Then you can move into your cave
with no electricity and be happy.
Do you know what the word gobbledygook
means? It’s the language spoken
by employees of your cable company. I
don’t have to describe my experience – you’ve all had the same thing happen to
you. I’ll give you some highlights:
·
I wanted to get
rid of my land line. You can’t
because you’re on a plan.
·
Then I want a new
plan. You’re plan expires November
19th. Call back then.
·
Can I call on the
18th? No, because
you’ll still be on the plan and we can’t offer you a new plan if you’re still
on an old one.
·
Can I call on the
20th? No, because on
the 20th you will automatically be charged for another month.
It’s like being pecked to
death by a duck! No Ottoman pasha could
devise a system so sinister and convoluted.
Hi there and welcome to
November. I hope you are warm and
healthy and not hungry. If you are, you
won’t be after you listen to this. Have
you heard of Feet Loaf? It
was a popular main dish at Halloween parties this year and consisted of cooked
meatloaf molded into the shape and size of a human foot, complete with sliced
onions or radishes for toenails. I would
not make this up. Google it, if you dare. It’s revolting! Is that what we have come to? Dinner made to look like human body
parts? I mean, what are they going to do
with Rump Roast? I can see a whole meal
composed of Toe-mato soup, macaro-knee and cheese, with
chocolate-hip cookies for dessert. We could serve it all with some fava
beans and a nice Chianti.
Two of my students belong to
a local mosque that had an open house this week. I went.
They had exhibits of Moslem dress and Moslem food from various
countries. I tried an egg souffle from
Yemen, tea from Morocco and a cupcake from Walmart. And I listened to a half-hour explanation of
what Islam is all about. Winston
Churchill said, “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage
is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” So I took off my shoes, sat down and
listened. Couldn’t hurt.
This morning I went to my
storage closet that holds the few remaining books that I own, and I picked up
a book I had read before, in 1986. I
still consider it the scariest book I have ever read. By the time I got to page 8, I felt perfectly
at home in the warm, capable, familiar and frightening clutches of Stephen
King. The book is It, and I swear to you, constant readers, that for the
next 1,138 pages, I will leave the lights on.
Constant reader is what Stephen King calls us, his loyal fans, in his
introductions.
Well I have my own
readers and they often send me comments.
I got one this morning from one of my lady readers, who was describing
something she did. She ended with the
question, “Does that make me your craziest groupie?” Groupie?
I have groupies? That could be
the most exciting thing I’ve ever heard in my life – next to Carol saying I
do and the doctor saying It’s a girl, It’s a girl
and It’s a girl. Suddenly
I feel like a rock star. Later today, I ran
into a friend who looked glum. What’s
the matter, I asked? I have shingles, he
said. Really, I said, that’s too
bad. I have groupies.
Well,
that’s it, little Groupies (I just love that). I’m finished, but I’ll be back next
week. You don’t have to do
anything. I’ll have my people call your
people. Unless you’ve moved into a cave
with Jane. Until then, stay well, count
your blessings and don’t eat the Feet Loaf.
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