Blog # 94
I’ve talked about a lot of
things in 90-plus blogs – doctors, pills, computers – but never about
Laundromats. How often do you go to a
Laundromat? We haven’t gone in decades,
but Carol had a bedspread that needed washing, and it’s too big for our machine,
so she decided on a Laundromat. Now you
might think we doddering oldsters are technically incompetent, what with
computers and iPods and such – and you’d be right, but we know nothing about
Laundromats. The first problem was finding one. We were on our way to dinner one night and
had the spread in the back seat, so we drove around looking for one,
unsuccessfully. But then I turned onto a
side street in order to make a U and Carol yelled “There’s one!” Nothing gets by my observant little woman. Of course the LAUNDROMAT sign
on the roof of the building was the size of Belgium.
We entered, where it must
have been obvious that we didn’t know a washing machine from a hippopotamus,
because we were quickly greeted by the proprietress. I use the feminine loosely, because I’m not
altogether sure she was a woman. She
looked more like a cross between a pirate and road kill. She smiled, flashing her tooth, and took
immediate control. She picked out our
machine, loaded our blanket, loaded the Tide, promised to move the blanket to a
drier when ready and told us to go to dinner.
First, she said, load $3.75 into the washer. Carol opened her purse and pulled out 15
quarters. Who runs around with 15 quarters? I’ll give you four possibilities:
A: A kid addicted to gumballs
B: The Tooth
Fairy
C: A really cheap
whore
D: A woman who
consistently wins at mahjong.
Here are some hints: my wife doesn’t chew gum, does not believe in
any fairy princess other than herself, and is not cheap. Well, it worked! We returned after dinner and there it was –
clean and dry. We were so proud!
Hi there and welcome back. I hope you’re feeling perky today. Did you have a nice Christmas? I was very happy waking up Christmas morning –
until I drove to McDonald’s and discovered they were closed. Bah,
humbug! Do you know all these
Christmas songs?
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer--Let It Snow--Chestnuts
Roasting on an Open Fire--Sleigh Ride--There’s No Place Like Home for the
Holidays--Little Drummer Boy--You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch--Jingle Bell Rock--It’s
the Most Wonderful Time of the Year--Santa Baby--I’m Dreaming of a White
Christmas--A Holly Jolly Christmas--Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree--Silver
Bells--Walkin’ in a Winter Wonderland--I’ll Be home for Christmas--Have
Yourself a Merry Little Christmas--Santa Clause is Coming to Town.
Do you know what they all have in common? They don’t mention Jesus. That’s because they were all written by
Jews. All of them. One Jewish composer said, “I’m
not stupid. Why would I write a song
that 3% of the people would buy? I want
one that 97% of the people will buy.”
During Christmas week we went out to dinner with
another couple. He drove. Not only did his wife tell him which route to
take and which parking place to take and what food to order, she told him he
wore the wrong coat. I felt right at
home. Listen – Guys, every once in a
while your wife needs to hear you say four words: Honey, you look great. And Gals, your husband needs four words as
well: Honey, you know best. I
believe if most of you gals told your husband he knew best, he’d think he was
in the wrong house. But c’mon, it’s a
small thing, give your partner the common decency of a little compliment, even
if it’s a lie. It’ll make you both feel
better.
Happy New Year,
everyone. My calendar’s days are
numbered and I guess it’s time to make a New Year’s resolution. Have you made yours yet? I am having trouble coming up with one. I don’t drink or smoke or
take drugs, so I can’t resolve to stop.
I’m not fat. I’m not mean. I do everything my wife wants. I do three different volunteer jobs. I don’t have any bucket list items that I am
physically or financially able to do.
I’m not saying that my life is perfect.
I’m just saying I’m not sure if there’s anything I can accomplish with a
resolution. I guess you’d say I have my
life in order. It’s taken me a long time
to get there, and as Gabriel Garcia Marquez said, “Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer
do any good.” I suspect he’s right. But if you think of
something I need to change, you can send your suggestions of a New Year’s
Resolution for me to www.mindyourowndamnbusiness.com. Be gentle.
I told my wife that I had no resolution and she was
all over me like ants on a Snickers. You
need to exercise more, she said.
Now I know all of you walk-walk-walk and bike-bike-bike. You lift
weights and do Pilates and eat yogurt. Death has occurred to you, but you hope if
your body looks good, God might give you a few extra weeks.
I really can’t do much exercise with my back. I’d do it without my back, but then where would I put my shirt? I tried doing a little walking. Two miles a
day; that’s not much. But I ran (or
walked) into a problem:
Five
days in a row did I roam
It’s
easy as writing a poem
Two
miles a day
I’m
feeling ok
Except
that I’m ten miles from home.
Old joke, but I bet you’ve
never seen it rhyme. Look, Dr. Back
tells me exercise will do nothing for my back, and besides, a tortoise never
moves more than half a
mile an hour and lives to be
150. This argument has tired me
out. I think I’ll go rest my case. I just have enough energy to wish you a happy
2019 during which I want you to stay
well, count your blessings and come back here every week. And by the way, you
look great.
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