Blog #95
Did you notice that December had five Mondays? A December with five Mondays occurs only once
every 823 years. That line is
directly out of a news article from 2012, the last time December had five
Mondays. Be careful relying on what you
hear on the news.
But you can always rely on Limerick Oyster to bring
you the truth – mostly. Hi there,
welcome back and Happy New Year to everyone!
I hope you are feeling chipper. You
have been loyal readers of Limerick Oyster all year and I’m very glad I have
you with me to launch this cockeyed journey into 2019.
On New Year’s Eve we went to a movie. My friend Betty came over the Friday before,
and she and Carol hovered over my shoulder while they forced me to buy the
tickets on my computer. I begged them
not to do it. I can never get these
things done correctly and have been especially frustrated with movie
tickets. But they insisted, promising
they would help me. I warned them
against it, but these women are used to getting their way. As the writer Robert A. Heinlein said, Women and cats will do as they please,
and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
So I went to the website of the movie theater and was
automatically shunted to a monster generic website where you can buy tickets
anywhere. That’s not where I wanted to
be, but the Pushy Sisters told me
everything would be alright. Five
minutes later I had purchased six tickets for the wrong date and had been
charged the dreaded Service Fee. Well, I warned them, didn’t I?
So they took matters into their own soft and
well-manicured hands and, eschewing online or telephone communications, hopped
into the car and drove to the theater. I
like that kind of pre-technology initiative. If you want something done, get
out there and do it! Marie Antoinette
didn’t say “Let them shop on-line,” did she? And Juliet never said, “Romeo, Romeo, let my app track
your location.” And Joan of Arc
never said, “Alexa, turn down the temperature.”
(You want more? Just one
more and then I promise I’ll stop.) And
Lady Godiva never said, “The package of clothes I bought on Amazon
hasn’t arrived yet.” (Aw, c’mon,
one more?) And Dorothy never said,
“Siri, directions to the Emerald City.”
So off they went to the theater to fight the
unbeatable foe. These are two attractive
women who have spent a lifetime getting any man to do anything they wanted. Even now, when they are – let us say, older –
they still have considerable face-to-face talents. They arrived at the theater, ferreted out the
manager and, by the time they were through with him, had gotten a refund for my
purchase and free tickets and a coupon for free food and a booking on America’s Got Chutzpah. Don Quixote never had women like that! I think next, they should drive up to D.C.
and straighten this country out.
I’ve even come up with a campaign slogan for them to
use in the next election: Our Vision is 2020. Maybe I should run. Make that “limp”. Would you vote for me? Never mind, I don’t want to know. Just vote for Carol and Betty. I know that’s not alphabetical order, but I
have to put my wife first, don’t I?
That’s if I want to live to the next election.
And I have the perfect issue for them to tackle when
they get there. There is so much talk
these days about illegal immigration and THE
WALL. All I know is that the last time millions of people came here
illegally, they were white Europeans, and look what they did to the Native
Americans. It’s the Indians’ own fault,
of course, for letting in a bunch of pale, hairy farmers who worshipped a pale,
hairy carpenter. But it’s ok, said the ruling Chiefs. They’ll
do the work Indians won’t do and be good for the economy. I guess that was a lot of sitting bull,
wasn’t it? And by the way, you don’t
hear a lot of people speaking Sioux.
Now we’re welcoming millions more. Bank of America says they are specifically
targeting illegal immigrants for credit cards.
Bank of America! I think they have a salesman standing in the middle of the Rio Grande saying, “Hombre, swim right over here and sign up. You’re illegal and so are our interest rates.
Came here illegally? – we don’t
care. Don’t have a social security
number? – we don’t care. Don’t pay
taxes? – we don’t care. As long as we
can charge you 20% interest, you’re our kind of gente.” Bank of America should be ashamed of itself. Next they’ll have a special ISIS Visa Card
that earns Frequent Bomber Miles.
Anything to make a buck. Shame on
you! Shame on you twice!!
Come
to the U. S. of A.
And
live the American way
Si,
vamonos gente
Pay
twenty per cente
And
maybe we might let you stay.
I’m rethinking that Frequent Bomber phrase. Does it even make sense? I know Frequent
Suicide Bomber doesn’t. And
speaking of elections, it looks like Elizabeth Warren has thrown her feathered headdress
into the ring. I’ve already seen the
bumper stickers: RUN ELIZABETH RUN. Democrats put them on their rear bumpers,
Republicans put them up front.
Last week, I told you I
didn’t have any New Year’s Resolutions.
Since then, I have found one. I
resolve not
to talk to my wife when she is holding any kind of iDevice. I know she multitasks, and she’s good at
it. She can watch television, read a
book, play Candy Crush and bridge and Words with Friends on line, cook, fold
laundry and talk to three friends all at the same time, and still notice my
shoes don’t match my belt. But I choose
not to be second or third or ninth in her queue. When she asks me how my day
was while she is doing a handful of other tasks, sometimes I could say “I got
run over by a moose” and she would say, That’s nice.
Ok, enough. I’ve got to go change my belt. Stay well, count your blessings and watch out
for moose. Or is it meese? And follow the Yellow Brick Road right back to me next week. I’ll leave the light on for you.
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