Blog #34

I have come up with an interesting collection of observations.  I’m sure it won’t rival The Theory of Evolution, but interesting nonetheless.  I have discovered a crucial and fundamental dichotomy – inside/outside.  For instance, if a creature, perhaps a spider, is outside, it is one of Nature’s creations, to be respected and allowed to exist with dignity and honor.  If it’s inside, it’s a pest and needs to be squashed.  And snow – if it’s outside, it is sparkling and thrilling and beautiful.  If it’s inside, you need a new roof.  And what about the human body?  If it’s inside it’s mucus; if it’s outside it’s snot.  If it’s inside it’s urine; if it’s outside it’s piss.  If it’s inside it’s part of the natural human processes; if it’s outside it’s Yuck, get it off me!

And human society?  Well, if you’re inside my group, my clan, my religion, then you’re a friend, a compatriot, someone I will share with and defend and protect.  If you’re outside, you are alien, strange, different.  Distrust and misunderstanding of outsiders are built into our Human Nature, and we, as individuals and as a society, try hard to eliminate and overcome them.  I certainly try – unless it’s a spider in my house.  God, I know it’s one of Your creatures, but spiders, God?  Seriously?  If You wanted me to be kind to it, why did You make me so afraid of it?

Well Apple has done it again.  A new device for kids comes out next week. It can read any book ever written in an accent that matches the character.  It can create and recite stories based on any subject you provide.  It will play card games with you and let you win.  It has treats and gum hidden in a side pocket. You can smack it, bite it, climb on it or spit at it and it will just sit there and take it.  And it will, at an advanced age, even get on the trampoline and make a fool of itself.  It’s called the iGrandpa.  Every child needs one.

I believe Grandpas are better with kids than Grandmas.  I know that’s a bold and controversial statement.  Please don’t have Ashley Judd call me names I cannot print.  It’s true, and you know why?  It’s because little girls grow up to be sensible and mature women.  (You like that, Ashley?)  But boys never grow up at all.  We old men still like trains and action figures and playing ball as much as we did when we were six.  Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional. 

And you know why the little rug-rats like to be with us Grandpas?  Because we let them eat things and do things and say things that their Mommy and Grandma won’t.  It’s so much fun! 

One of the things that we Grandpas do well is reading books to the kids.  I decided to read them Alice in Wonderland, so I picked it up at the library.  When I got home I noticed it was not the Alice I grew up with, it was a new, improved, politically-correct version called Alice in California.  The plot was similar, but the characters had all been given new names.  There were:

§  Tweedle Dee and Tweedle 40^th Percentile

§  The White Privilege Rabbit

§  The Aggressive Capitalist Hatter

§  The Walrus and The Union Middle-Class Craftsman

§  The Queen of Color

Next week I’m going to read Snow White and the Seven Vertically Challenged Asexual White Dudes.

And if the boys like trains and G. I. Joes, the girls still like dolls.  All right, all you feminists out there -- shoot me, drop me into a vat of organic beet juice, make me listen to old Joan Baez 8-tracks.  I can’t help it if my granddaughters like dolls; and Alyssa wanted some American Girl accessories for her birthday.  But when we tried to do the shopping, we found out that her doll was not purchased at American Girl.  It is, as they say, a knock-off.  I choose to refer to it as an Undocumented Doll.  I wonder if you can take your Undocumented Doll to American Girl for lunch.  Well, they can’t refuse to serve the doll, can they?  That’s discrimination!  They can’t refuse service on the basis of age, race, gender, or factory of origin, can they?  The Doll has rights too.  I want a lawyer, a member of the ABA, the American Barbie Association.  I want the NAACP, the National Association for the Advancement of Cabbage Patch.  How about the NRA -- Natives for Raggedy Ann.  We need a sit-in, a demonstration, a boycott.  Or in this case, a girlcott – an American Girlcott.  

And now American Girl has a new line of dolls.  If you press the little button under the arm, a recording of the Star-Spangled Banner plays and the doll automatically takes a knee.  It’s called the Un-American Girl Doll.

The dolls don’t engage in much patter

Don’t giggle, blow kisses or chatter,

But for Francis Scott Key

All the dolls take a knee

With a sign that says Plastic Lives Matter.

Don’t forget Veterans Day in a couple of weeks

Let’s talk about more signs other than Plastic Lives Matter.  My favorite sign is on a door at the back of a retail store down the street.  It says THIS IS NOT A DOOR.  Well, it is a door.  It may not be an entrance or an exit, but it is most assuredly a door.  My next favorite is a sign on the highway that goes by our Airport.  It reads “Low Flying Aircraft Ahead”.  Ok, I thought, thanks for the heads-up, but what exactly should I do with that warning?  Should I duck?  I guess that would be a heads-down, not a heads-up.  Should I roll down the window and wave?  Put the top down and try to grab a strut?  None of these sounded appropriate, so I just drove on.  I really am not worried because I feel certain that on the dashboard of the airplane is a corresponding sign that says “Do not hit cars on the highway.”  That’s comforting.

Hi, there.  Have I welcomed you back yet and expressed my hopes that you are well?  No?  Well, consider it done.  Did you have a scary Halloween?  I visited Dr. Skin for my light treatment and dressed up in my boxer-shorts with a brown-paper bag over my head.  If that isn’t scary, what is?  One more thing and I’ll let you go. 

Amazon has announced a new service.  They will now have a lockbox to your house and drop your packages off inside so they don’t lie on the porch outside attracting thieves, nosy neighbors and urinating dogs.  This is a fantastic boon for Seniors, of course.  I have signed up already.  Now when I lose my keys, all I have to do is buy something on Amazon and wait for the nice young man to come and let me in.

Come back next week please.  You’ll miss me if you don’t, and I will miss you too.

Michael                                    Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com