Blog #35
Yes, I have you, my loyal readers, so welcome
back to Limerick Oyster where together each week we embark on a new adventure. That’s what I need – an adventure! I seem to be in one of those low and slow
periods right now. Feeling useless and
unwanted – feeling like Motel 6 would not
leave the light on for me. Do you ever feel like that? Nothing to do? As
bored as Venus de Milo’s manicurist? Yes, we need an adventure, but alas, I don’t
think it’s in the cards for me. The South Seas? Timbuktu?
Papua New Guinea? Who am I
kidding? I’m never going to get there. The biggest adventure I have all day is discovering
where I put my keys. What adventure book
am I
going to write? Dulliver’s Travels? So I
live vicariously from my books.
Adventures
for me? How hilarious!
They’re
costly and bold and precarious
I’m
too old and boring
To
go off exploring
My
travels must all be vicarious.
I lived vicariously this morning by talking to my
daughter in North Carolina. That’s
Jennifer, the one with a flock of chickens in her yard. Apparently, there have been coyote sightings in
the neighborhood and Jen is worried about her brood, so she checked out CNN
(the Chicken News Network) as well as The National Henquirer
and The
St. Louis Post This Hatch. All had at one time won the Pullet-zer
Prize, but they had no helpful advice.
So, she called a local wildlife specialist and he suggested that, to
scare off the coyotes, she should get a llama. You see, those animal-specialist types live
in their own dream world where crickets sing to puppets and white rabbits wear
pocket watches and llamas grow on trees.
Where exactly do you go for a llama, Llamas R Us? Nacho Llamas? I remember years ago when a Great Horned Owl
showed up on my porch, and I called one of these animal guys and asked what I
should feed the creature. He asked, “Do
you have any dead mice?” Sure, I said, I
keep a box in the freezer in case Monty Hall drops by.
The last time I was down in chicken-land, I borrowed Jennifer’s
van to go to McDonald’s. It was cold that
morning when Jen took the kids to school and she must have activated the seat
warmer. I didn’t even know the van had
a seat warmer. After two minutes,
however, I knew. After three minutes I
was frantically searching for an on-off switch.
After four minutes I was standing up.
Have you ever tried to drive while standing up? It ought to be a new Olympic event -- Brake
Dancing.
I have an idea of how to get out of these doldrums –
I’ll get into the television business. I
have some wonderful ideas for new shows.
The first one I want to produce is Dancing With The Creeps. The contestants for Season One will
be – Bill Cosby, OJ Simpson, Bo Bergdahl, John Hinckley Jr. and Harvey
Weinstein. They are all free men with
nothing much else to do and the ratings would go through the roof. Plus, it will be a great showcase to
introduce the new sitcoms I have developed for each one.
Bo
Bergdahl starring in Hogan’s Traitors
Bill
Cosby starring in Raping Bad
John
Hinkley starring in Have Gun, Will Assassinate
Harvey
Weinstein starring in Still-More Girls
O.J.
Simpson starring in How I Murdered Your Mother
Carol and I went to a dinner, a bi-monthly gathering
of our high-school class. There were
about twenty people there, half men and half women.
Now
that was a waste of words, wasn’t it?
Once I said “half men”, the rest was obvious. Well, maybe not. Besides male and female, Facebook now recognizes
58 other gender categories, including Pangender, Neutrois and Non-binary. Anyway, Carol and I graduated in the same
class, but when we are with people we have just met or haven’t seen in a long
time, we always get the same response.
They inevitably ask my wife two questions: how she manages to stay so
young-looking and why she married such an old man. I don’t mind.
It makes me look somehow special that I attracted such a dreamy-looking
wife.
Carol hates when I say in the blog that she’s nice-looking
or anything like that. She’ll be
mad. But I had to use the word “dreamy”
to get into this next bit, so get over it, Sour Puss!
There
are so many common “dream” references in our language, but they all seem to
refer to good dreams. Do you have good dreams? When you dream, do you find the girl of your
dreams or the man of your dreams or the Neutrois of your dreams? Do you dream of elysian settings with
unicorns and rainbows? Do you dream of
happy and stress-free times? I
don’t. While you’re dreaming about
winning the lottery or writing the year’s bestselling book, I’m dreaming of
running around a parking lot for two hours trying to find my car – naked.
A
few weeks ago was Columbus Day. I wonder
if Chris knew it was Columbus Day when he discovered America. Actually, he didn’t even know it was
America. He thought it was India. (That’s why all the natives were called Indians.) And besides, his name wasn’t Christopher
Columbus; it was Cristobal Colόn. But
how would it sound if we celebrated Colon Day?
Instead of Italian parades and meat balls, there’d be sigmoidoscopes and
Miralax. I wonder if Columbus knew there
would be statues of him all over the continent and that after 525 years
everyone would want to tear them down.
And by the way, why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii? Please stay well, change your clocks and dream
about coming back next week for another fun adventure. I’ll leave the light on for you.
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