Blog #355                                         December 28, 2023

 

Has a stranger ever come up to you and said, “You’re an Oyster”?  We recently went to a fine seafood restaurant for dinner and had a lovely meal, after which I excused myself to use the restroom.  I found the quiet little hallway with the two facing doors, but they were not marked MEN and WOMEN.  Nor LADS and LASSIES.  Nor CABALLEROS and SEÑORITAS.  Nope, some clever little seafood person had decided to label them PEARLS and OYSTERS.  Ok, cute, but now what?  Pearls or oysters?  Was I missing something? I stood there feeling like Monty Hall had just found a hard-boiled egg in my shoe and was giving me the choice of Door #1 or Door #2.  I must have looked sufficiently confused because a waitress passed by, glanced at me and said (you guessed it), “You’re an Oyster”.

 

Duh, I thought, knocking myself in the head, of course I’m an oyster.  I’m the Limerick Oyster.  In fact, I’m your Limerick Oyster, the aged and addlepated clown who has been sending you strange thoughts and stranger limericks for 355 weeks.  Aren’t you tired of me yet?  No?  Good, let’s get started.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well.  Are you making New Year’s resolutions?  Don’t.  Here’s why:

 

·        First:  you’ll forget them

·        Second:  most of you are so set in your ways that you’re not going to change anyway

·        Third:  as Mr. Rogers said, “There’s no person in the whole world like you, and I like you just the way you are.” 

 

Writing that first paragraph about “fine” restaurants made me recall a fancy French place we went to years ago.  Funny, but the only thing I remember about the place was the bill.

 

At a French café eating your fill

In two ways could turn out to kill

If the duck and paté

Do not put you away

Then the check at the end surely will.

 

Whenever I sit at my desk to write stupid limericks to you, Shakespeare likes to watch videos on his computer.  Yes, he has his own computer.  Doesn’t your pet?  I turn it on and start his favorite video, birds and squirrels running around and making bird and squirrel noises.  He can sit there and be enthralled for a couple of hours, during which time several commercials will interrupt the show.  I don’t understand it.  Do they think my cat is going to buy a Medicare Advantage Plan?  Or that he needs a blood thinner?  If not, who else do they think is watching titmouses eating suet?  The only thing I can think of that would be more boring would be a Republican presidential debate.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  Like a dull actor now, I have forgot my part (Coriolanus.)  My favorite movies are The Squirrel with the Dragon Tattoo and Citizen Crane.  And I like the commercials on my computer.  I just signed up for a Capital One credit card.  It was so easy, I could do it all with one paw.  Purr.

 

Our Weekly Word is addlepated.  Someone who is addlepated is mixed up and confused.  That probably describes each of us at some point and me almost every Thursday.

 

My California daughter and her family are in town for the holidays.  California is a real challenge for me, even the simple exercise of grocery shopping.  In California, the produce is on the left.  Everything in California is on the left.  Naturally, I spent more time opening the little cellophane produce bags than I did shopping.  Those little bags were invented by the Marquis de Sade to torture old men by giving them high blood-pressure and angina.  All for an avocado!  I could break into Hunter Biden’s laptop easier than one of those little bags.  No wonder the blood-pressure medication is right next to the asparagus.

 

And nobody speaks English.  I spent 4½ days in California, which means I had been there longer than 60% of its population and was eligible for a driver’s license.  But I survived, thanks to SIRI.  If I didn’t have SIRI, I would have wound up in Tijuana by the end of the first day.  Hola, amigos.  Este Gringo es muy stupido.  If Columbus had had SIRI, he would have found India like he planned and America would not have been discovered.  We’d still be living in teepees and voting for Elizabeth Warren.

 

 

 

I have actually made a New Year’s Resolution.  This year I resolve to do everything my wife tells me, take her everywhere she wants to go, and sit in whatever seat she chooses.  This marks the 57^rd New Year I have made the same resolution.  It saves time.  But I’m not the only one making resolutions.  Here are a few I’ve collected:

 

·        Claudine Gay has resolved to steal an apology that will get her out of trouble.

·        Gavin Newsom has resolved to borrow $68 billion from Florida to cover California’s deficit.

·        Taylor Swift has resolved to become the most popular person in the world.  Wait, that was last year’s resolution.

 

Just another week of laboring in the vineyards of the Lord, as the Pope might say.  I am not Catholic, but also not above borrowing a well-turned Catholic parable, especially at Christmas time.  I hope you had a lovely Christmas, or, if you didn’t celebrate, at least a peaceful day of relaxation.  Wow, Christmas is over already.  The time just flies.  I haven’t even finished x-raying my Halloween candy.

 

And now New Year’s Eve is only a few days away.  Do you remember when we all stayed up until midnight to celebrate the New Year by counting down the seconds at a New Year’s party?  Then, as we got older, we settled for going home, changing into PJs and watching the ball drop on television in New York.  Now, we’re in bed by 9:30 watching an eggroll fall off a table in Hong Kong.  That’s good enough! 

 

I wish you all a wonderful, peaceful and happy New Year.  Thanks for joining me in 2023.  And as for 2024, I’ll be here all year, telling you to stay well and count your blessings and begging you to come back next week.  But I know you will.  How can you resist me?  Maybe I should make a New Year’s Resolution to be more humble.  See you next week.

 

Michael                                             Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com