Blog #354                                December 21, 2023

 

Today is the first day of Winter, and Carol and I have made plans to escape by going to Florida in February to mooch on some friends and relatives.  It scares me a little to go to Florida.  I’ve heard of so many people, healthy people in their 60s, who move to Florida and within thirty or forty years, they’re dead.  We’ll try to be careful.

 

But not yet; we’re still here living our humble lives.  I was in Whole Foods this week, shopping with one of my daughters – they all like to eat healthy stuff – when I saw an interesting box with this label attached:

 

This product is sugar free, fat free, sodium free, peanut free and gluten free.  It contains no artificial coloring, artificial flavoring, refined carbohydrates, preservatives, additives or MSG.  It is organic, Vegan, free range, non-GMO and has not been exposed to plastic.

 

I read the label to my daughter and she suggested I open the box to see what it contained.  I did, and here’s what I found.

 

Sorry, the legal fees to create the disclaimer were so high that we could not afford to put any product in the box.  Enjoy.

 

While she went to do some more shopping, I hung around the magazine section. There were some very interesting issues.

 

·        George Santos was on the cover of Cheater’s Digest.

·        Martha Stewart has one that gives tips on how to decorate your prison cell.  It’s called Big-House Beautiful.  She has another one called Better Homes and Wardens.

·        The Proud Boys were on the cover of Popular Fanatics.

·        Taylor Swift was on the cover of Time.

·        Ron DeSantis was on the cover of Out of Time.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  In jest, there is truth (King Lear).  Pops says I should be on the cover of Good Mousekeeping.  Is that a joke?  I don’t think he’s that funny.  Purr.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you are feeling full of joy and good cheer.  It’s almost Christmas.  My wife wishes you Good Tidings of Whoopi and Joy.  She’s not here right now.  She’s attending her Jewish Princess Continuing Education class.  This week she’s learning how to tell her husband he’s clueless in seventeen different languages.  Next semester, she is teaching a course on How to Find a Round Table in a Square Restaurant. 

 

Christmas is Monday and Santa is checking to see if you have been naughty or nice.  I know that sometimes you think I’m naughty, but actually I am a nice person.  I’ll tell you a story that is absolutely true. About five years ago, I needed to switch dentists because of a change in insurance.  I chose an office that was close by and that other people had recommended, and I called.  I talked with a nice lady named Karen at the desk.  I gave her my information and she told me to bring in my insurance card when I had a chance.  I asked if I needed to bring in anything else.  It was a very hot day, and she said, “Yes, a milkshake.”  She was joking, of course, but I showed up an hour later with my insurance card and a chocolate milkshake from McDonald’s.  Karen and I have been buddies ever since, and she told me I was one of her nicest patients.

 

Don’t grumble or act cold as ice

Don’t be mean or you will pay the price

Just be humble and kind

And I promise you’ll find

That you’ll make way more friends if you’re nice.

 

I am currently reading a book about the symbiotic entanglement of plants and fungi.  “Of course you are,” I hear you cry.  Yes, I am the same idiosyncratic weirdo that you’ve grown to know and love, and that’s what I’m reading.  One night this week, I was driving my 13-year-old grandson, Austin, to soccer practice.  He said, “Pops, whatcha reading?”  So I told him about the fungus book.  Without pausing he calmly said, “I know a mushroom; he’s a fun guy.”  Then I began to describe how the fungi grow underground, and he said, “I bet there’s not mush room down there.”  I still haven’t stopped laughing.  When did my grandson become Henny Youngman?

 

I could give you a thousand Henny Youngman jokes.  I’ll give you one: A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

 

Weekly Word:  Idiosyncratic means peculiar.  And one thing that makes me peculiar is that I keep track of everything.  I’ve been a collector and record-keeper all my life, and have a list of all my credit-card charges and how much I’ve won at poker and the books I’ve read and anything else I can think of.  That’s just me.  When I finished the fungus book, it raised me to 383,000 pages read since 1979.  That’s one page for every person in Baton Rouge, LA.  Thought you’d like to know.

 

As long as this is the Christmas Issue of L.O., I must mention that on Christmas Eve fourteen years ago my heart started racing faster than a Kardashian heading for a camera.  They rushed me to the hospital where they thought I was deader than Chris Christie’s campaign.  They screamed Code Blue and grabbed a Handy-Dandy Defibrillator and shocked me back to life. Fourteen years!  Amazing!

 

How about another Henny Youngman joke?  I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

 

Another week, another surprise party, this for a 70-year-old (just a young whipper-snapper).  She is a fun and very enjoyable friend and seemed to have been truly surprised.  It was a nice party.  If you are having a surprise party, don’t tell me.  I might give it away.  But I guess you wouldn’t know if you were having a surprise party just by the nature of the surprise nomenclature.  Did that make any sense?

 

Today’s the shortest day of the year, so I’ve got to go.  But I’ll be back next week, body and solstice.  Till then, stay well, count your blessings and pray for Israel.  And Merry Christmas.

 

One more Henny Youngman line: I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com