Blog #323                                May 18, 2023

 

The world is gaga over Martha Stewart’s appearance on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.  At 81, she’s the oldest Swimsuit Edition cover-model and the first convicted felon.  Does anybody remember that?

 

She’s beautiful, clever and able

She’s got her own brand, her own label

Though she’s just an ex-con

With a bathing suit on,

The old broad can sure set a table.

 

But who cares?  We all love Martha, don’t we?  She knows everything.  I didn’t even know which side your water glass goes on until Carol taught me a trick.  Curl your index fingers into your thumbs with the other three fingers on each hand pointing up.  Your left hand will make a lower-case b and your right hand will make a lower-case d.  That’s the only way I know that the bread goes on the left and the drink goes on the right.

 

But I think it’s great having someone from my generation on the cover of a magazine.  We ought to have our own magazines, like National Geriatric or The Old Yorker.

 

Have you noticed that anything which is childproof is also senior-proof?  Pill bottles are, of course, the obvious example.  In fact, my doctor told me I didn’t need to go to the gym anymore; just opening the pill bottles was enough exercise. When it got to the point that I was holding the bottle between my knees and squeezing the sides in with my hands while holding a wrench in my teeth – well, I just gave up.  I went to the pharmacist and asked for the Senior Friendly pill bottles.   Now, thankfully, I can get to my pills easily, but I’m still working on the pickle jar I bought three years ago.

 

Are you staying at home today?   We humans are a very social species.  We have always been used to leaving our homes every day and reacting with many other humans.  And what do we get for it?  Hurricanes, floods, Covid.  Car jackings, gang violence, Marjorie Taylor Greene.  School shootings, synagogue shootings, cable companies that offer a discount to new customers but not to loyal ones.  Each day it is getting more frightening to leave the house.  And how has our society reacted?  By staying at home. 

 

We don’t really need to go out anymore, do we?  We can already work from home, get books on line, have groceries delivered.  Amazon will deliver anything, anywhere in the world.  Pizza is delivered, Chinese food is delivered, the newspaper is delivered.  There’s no reason to leave home. Even Limerick Oyster is delivered to your phone every Thursday morning!  Oh, oh – it’s Thursday!  We’d better get started.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well.  The only thing I cannot get at home is my grandchildren.  I was with Grandchildren #5 (Charley, she’s 15) and #6 (Austin, he’s 13) the other day.  I was telling Charley that she had her Nonnie’s genes and so would grow up to be beautiful, fast and would hog all the closets.  Then Austin said, “And I have your genes, Poppy, so I’ll grow up to be a wrinkled, old smart guy.”  Yes, Austin actually said those exact words.  Grandchildren are brutal, but wonderful!

 

My oldest grandchild, Zachary, just graduated from college.  We were down in North Carolina last weekend to see him graduate from Duke.  It made me feel so proud, and so old.  Well, I won’t get maudlin on you.  It was a very happy occasion, although Shakespeare was unhappy when he saw us getting ready to leave.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  Now I see the mystery of your loneliness (All’s Well That Ends Well).  I hate seeing suitcases.  Is he leaving me alone again?  I know he’s coming back.  He loves me, and my neighbors Betty and Buddy take care of my food and everything.  They’re nice, but it’s not the same.  I have the old fool trained perfectly on where I like to be scratched and how I want him to sleep so I can snuggle up.  Purr.

 

And we came back and Shakey was happy to see us.  Durham, NC is a college town, and college towns are different.  Take the restaurants, for example.  I learned that the town forced the Panda Express to close because it used peanuts.  That’s not woke enough for the liberal elites who run the university!   Now the town is full of new eateries sponsored by famous liberals.  There’s Col. Bernie Sanders Socialist Fried Chicken and AOC’s Green New Meal and Elizabeth Warren’s Come On In And Pull Up A Cherokee.   At least they have a variety.  All the Extreme Right has is White Castle.

 

I have no sons, only wonderful daughters, and somehow I feel it must be traumatic to see a son graduate from college.  You have a kid, buy him toys, send him to pre-school and to camp, private school, violin lessons, sports gear, Duke for four years and what do you get for your half a million dollars?  A boy who gets a job a thousand miles away and will call you once a year.  Maybe.  Girls are better.

 

Movie Review:  While visiting North Carolina, we watched The Whale on Roku or Dipstick or whatever it is.  I truly did not like it.  I understand the film won a few awards, but in my opinion, the acting was poor and the script and the characters.  If you saw it, I hoped you liked it.

 

Our Weekly Word today is maudlin, which means self-pitying or tearfully sentimental.  Sometimes I get maudlin, mostly when I think of old age.  Like the other day when I saw an ad for an elderly-care facility.  It was attempting to attract new residents by announcing that it would be showing the 1959 movie Gidget in the facility’s theater.  It just seems to me that if you’re old enough to remember Gidget, you’re too old to remember Gidget.

 

Ok, it’s time for me to get back to my reading, so I’ll leave you.  I'm reading a book about Anti-Gravity and I just can't put it down.  Stay well, count your blessings and don’t be maudlin.  Oh, and don’t forget - There are three kinds of people, those who understand math and those who don’t.  I hope you’re not one of them.  See you next week.

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com