Blog #321                                         May 4, 2023

 

My granddaughter has a job this summer working in the kitchen of a very fine, up-scale restaurant in North Carolina.  I have eaten at this restaurant many times, and they usually include on the menu some exciting and unfamiliar dish.  I have tried their ostrich entrée and, on another occasion, a kangaroo entrée, so it was not a surprise when Zoey told me that this week’s menu included Cricket Tacos.  Crickets, according to Zoey, have no particular taste but are crunchy and provide a lot of protein.  Yummy.  You know by now that I have a particularly bizarre and unpredictable mind, and it did not take that mind long to concoct an entire menu of insect-related items for my new restaurant called Star-Bugs. Here’s the menu:

 

·        Soups: Split Flea Soup or Beetle Borscht

·        Entrée: Pot Roach with Basmati Lice

·        Dessert: choice of Ladybug Fingers or Gooey Butterfly Cake

·        And for the kids: A Bee-L-T with French Flies

 

Does that make you hungry?  How about some bagels?

 

Bagels!  After trying the new bagel place four times last week with no success, I decided I wasn’t going back.  I am not stupid!  But I am married, which, trust me, overrides stupid every time.  Carol wanted bagels.  I told her the place would be too crowded or sold out, but she insisted.  Tolstoy said “The only certain happiness in life is to live for others” and he knew a lot about marriage.  He wrote War and Peace, didn’t he?  So I impersonated Paul Riser’s older brother, Early, and got up at 7:15, did my morning ablutions, fed the cat, scooped his litter and headed out on my quest.  To dream the impossible tzitzel!  I arrived at 8:00 and parked.  I had a book with me, prepared for a long wait, but when I opened the door there was only one customer there and I was able to buy my bagels.  Carol was pleased and I was happy to confirm that we have a successful marriage because we have the same goal in life -- to keep her happy.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  How much better is it to weep at joy than to joy at weeping (Much Ado About Nothing). Pops and I have the same deal; we both try to make me happy.  It seems to work for Carol and it works for me too.  And I guess it makes that old fool happy just to make us purr.  Purr.

 

There’s a saying – a bad day eating bagels is better than a good day doing anything else.  Ridiculous!  Donuts maybe.  I actually don’t know why she needs the bagels.  She was born without the gene for hunger.  Eating to her is like going to a movie.  If there’s an interesting flick playing, she’s in.  Otherwise, she can wait.  I, on the other hand, am a creature of habit, the calendar and the clock.  I am such a creature of habit that some of my friends call me Sister.  I need to eat at 11:30 and 6:00.  But it doesn’t always happen.

 

I think that tonight we’ll skip dinner

‘Cause I can’t find a dish that’s a winner

And as for my Hubby

He’s grown a bit chubby

He can stand to be one dinner thinner.

 

She doesn’t cook dinner that often anyway.  Jewish women do not cook on Christmas Eve, New Year’s Eve, Halloween, Valentine’s Day, Tibetan Yak Appreciation Day, Mardi Gras, Election Day, Super Bowl, the night before a trip, The Academy Awards, Saturdays and any one of Barbra Streisand’s Farewell Concerts.

 

I’m only teasing.  Carol does cook often and well.  Just the other day I was out doing errands and my phone rang.  What do you want for dinner, fish and a baked potato or tuna-noodle casserole?  Now of course I knew it was Carol, but still, wouldn’t you expect a person to say hello first?  Not my wife.  She jumps right in, excess wordage being a waste of her time.  So I answered:

 

I don’t care.

Well, pick one.

Ok, the fish and potato.

I think I’ll do the casserole.

Glad I could be of help.

 

When Carol and I talk, I always get the last word.  In fact, she allows me to get the last two words, as long as they’re “Yes, Dear.”  But I’m used to it.  Having a wife and three daughters has conditioned me to the female voice.  Lately, however, I have had a new female voice in my life – Alexa.  I’m sure this cylindrical sister would be very helpful to me had not my wife gotten hold of her first and trained her how to deal with me.  Alexa now either pretends not to hear me or just ignores me completely as not capable of having a worthwhile thought.  She makes me feel right at home.

 

But even though she doesn’t talk to me, Alexa is listening to me when I talk.  How do I know?  Well, the other day I coughed three times and when I got back to my computer there was a pop-up ad for a funeral home.  At least one woman in my house is listening to me. 

 

Hi there and welcome back.  Are you listening to me?  I hope so, and I hope you’re feeling well.  It’s graduation time.  Grandchild #3 is graduating high school this year and visiting colleges.  Students, parents, even old grandpas are very sensitive about what college to choose.  “A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D. or Ph.D.  Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.”  You know who said that?  Fats Domino!  Yes, the same Fats Domino who gave us other pithy and intellectual sayings like “Goodbye, Joe, me gotta go, me oh my oh” and “Eeny-meeny and miney-mo told me you didn't want me 'round no more.”  You can always trust Fats.

 

Let’s get the Weekly Word out of the way.  Ablutions are the things you do to clean yourself.  To me, morning ablutions include tooth brushing, pill taking, ointment spreading, eye dropping, lip glossing, rinky-dinky-doo.   Dat’s vhat ve learnt in der school.  I told you my mind was bizarre and unpredictable, like a small-town garbage dump.  You never know what you’ll find under that old mattress.  Come back next week anyway.  Gotta go now; I think I hear Carol purring.  Stay well and count your blessings.  Adios.

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com