Blog #317                                April 6, 2023

 

Fear not, my Oysters.  Democracy is safe.  Your humble reporter and his noble wife have personally sacrificed an entire day to ensure that Truth, Justice and the American Way will triumph.  No thanks are necessary.  Our civic duty called.

 

It was Election Day, and Carol and I worked as Election Judges checking in the voters and issuing the ballots.  We arose at 3:30, arrived at the polling place at 5:00 and returned home around 8:00 at night.  Each voting area has its own issues – school boards, city councils, sales tax increases.  Did you notice that we never get to vote on sales tax decreases?  April elections are never highly attended, but Wonder Woman and her loyal, obedient serf processed 440 voters and survived a very tiring day.

 

There are some movies I like to watch just because the actor or actress is deliciously attractive.  I have chosen four men and four women that I particularly think are stunning in their roles.  I’ll give you the role, then the actor and you can guess the movie.  We’ll do the men this week and the women next week.

 

Here are the four fictional roles:  Lucas Jackson -- Achilles -- Sgt. Archibald Cutter -- Captain Vallo.  Do any of those ring a bell?  No?  Well, here are the handsome actors who played those roles:

 

·        Lucas Jackson was played by Paul Newman

·        Achilles was played by Brad Pitt

·        Sgt. Archibald Cutter was played by Cary Grant

·        Captain Vallo was played by Burt Lancaster

 

All you have to do is guess the movies.  I’ll give you the answers later.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  Hark! Apollo plays, and twenty caged nightingales do sing (Taming of the Shrew).  The only movies I get to watch are the bird movies on Pop’s computer.  There’s Citizen Crane, Raiders of the Lost Lark, A Starling is Born and Dove Story.  Purr.

 

I told you last week about how the police warned everybody about coming to a Cardinal baseball game.  Well, I asked a friend of mine how she liked the Home Opener.  Here’s what she said:

 

The baseball game could have been worse

I’ll describe it to you in this verse

Someone stole second base

But I came with my Mace

To make sure they don’t steal my purse.

 

In other sporting news, Carol and I enjoyed the NCAA Women’s Basketball Tournament last weekend.  I have three daughters, and they all played high school sports, so I’m a big fan of women’s athletics.  What confuses me is the Women’s US Chess Championship.  This year it will be in Las Vegas.  Last year it was here in St. Louis.  Chess is a game of brains.  I understand that men are generally larger and stronger than women and gender-specific sporting competitions are appropriate.  But do women need a special event because they cannot compete with men in the brain department?  There’s no special Women’s Jeopardy or Women’s Bridge Championship.  So why a separate Women’s Chess Championship?  I guess I’ll just add that to my growing list of things I don’t understand, like why an audience would give Stevie Wonder a standing ovation.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well.  Do you use marijuana?  It appears that our country is lurching toward making marijuana legal everywhere.  Which means it won’t be long until all drugs will be legalized.  Soon, mothers will be feeding their toddlers a well-balanced breakfast consisting of Cocaine Puffs, and Pot-Tarts.  America’s favorite cereal will be Smack, Crack and Pot.  Lunch will be Corned Beef Hashish with a Diet Cocaine.  And for dessert – a Pineapple Upper-Side-Downer Cake.  A fellow poll-worker on Tuesday offered us a cannabis and chocolate-chip cookie in a bag.   I’m totally serious.  It was called Trips Ahoy!  I wish I had thought of that. 

 

About twice a month, Carol goes out to dinner with the “Goils”.  At least that’s what she tells me.  Who knows?  She could be giving Princess Lessons to Meghan.  Or letting Joe Biden sniff her hair.  Or teaching Gwyneth Paltrow how to ski.  Maybe she’s colluding with the Russians!  How would I know?  So that leaves me at home, lonely as Will Smith’s agent, useless as a mermaid’s podiatrist.  Except, sometimes it’s nice to be alone in the house, and when she is out, surreptitiously pursuing her nefarious activities, I order Chicken Egg Foo Yung.  No, that’s not a hit-man from the Taiwanese Mafia; that’s my dinner.  I pick it up, bring it home and enjoy a quiet dinner with no television or music.

 

When she comes home, she kisses me hello like she’s running for office.  Maybe she’s running for President.  If she were President, I guarantee no Congressman would have a closet.  If she were President, the morning briefing would be about whether there’s a chance of rain.  If she were President, she’d get driven everywhere and dropped off right at the front door by her Russian chauffer, Picup Andropov.   

 

I have a political proposal to strengthen our Immigration Policy.  I think we should deport all Members of Congress to Venezuela.  They can’t screw up that country any worse than it already is, and it will certainly make our lives better.

 

Weekly Word:  Surreptitiously means done in secret.  For instance, I write my blogs surreptitiously so that no-one can see how I do it.

 

Ok, here are my picks for the four most handsome actors in their most handsome roles;

 

·        Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke

·        Brad Pitt in Troy

·        Cary Grant in Gunga Din

·        Burt Lancaster in The Crimson Pirate

 

And then there’s me.  I’m not exactly Brad Pitt.  More like ZaSu Pitts.  But at least I’m loyal and obedient, like a Shar Pei.  Come back next week -- I won’t bite.  And I’ll tell you who I think were the four most gorgeous movie actresses in their most beautiful roles.

 

For those of you who celebrate Passover, I hope you had a delicious Seder.  May all the plagues of the world pass you over.  Trump had a Seder at Jared Kushner’s house, but when they asked the four questions, he refused to answer and called his attorneys.  For those of you who celebrate Christ, may you have a lovely Easter holiday and may all of us have peace.  Don’t forget to stay well and count your blessings.  See you next week.

 

ZaSu                                                 Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com