Blog #318                                April 13, 2023

 

I was very busy this week.  On three different days, I went to lunch with some friends.  I like my friends, but I also have this desire to be alone sometimes.  Three lunches with friends in one week – I might lose my Hermit License:

 

I hate being out in a crowd

They’re pushy and smelly and loud

So I got a permit

For being a hermit

And now I am lonely – and proud.   

 

Besides, the prices at restaurants are unbelievable.  The prices of everything now are outrageous.  Kite prices are soaring; firework prices are skyrocketing; prices for telescopes are astronomical; camouflage clothing is out of sight and shingles are through the roof.  But do not be alarmed.  The President tells us that inflation is under control.  After all, Core Inflation is only 5.54%, slightly less than last year.  Do you feel comforted?  You shouldn’t.  Core Inflation excludes energy and food.  What?  How can you evaluate inflation by excluding the two things we buy every day – gasoline and groceries?  How ridiculous is that!  Especially since gas prices are climbing and grocery prices are exploding.  It’s like buying a dress without looking at the size or the color.  How stupid do these con-artists think we are?  The truth is – I always tell you the truth – if you buy a tractor or some asphalt, maybe the sticker shock isn’t so awful, but the price of asphalt is nugatory.  What we buy every day are groceries and gasoline, and if you want to drive your car or eat, you are royally screwed.  Why can’t they just tell us the truth?  Tell us the damn truth and shove that Core Inflation concept up their asphalt!

 

Ok, I’m taking a deep breath and counting to a hundred.  There, that’s better.  Nugatory, by the way, means inconsequential and of little importance.  That’s our Weekly Word.  Your taxes, however, are important.  Have you done them yet?  They’re due April 15^th, you know.  Well, not really, because April 15^th is Saturday.  Then the 16^th is Sunday, so the due date will be pushed to Monday, April 17^th.  But wait, April 16^th is also Emancipation Day.  Emancipation Day celebrates the day when Lincoln freed 3,100 slaves living in the District of Columbia.  Remember Lincoln?  He’s on the penny.  All the Federal workers in DC will be off on Monday, so I guess your taxes are due Tuesday.  No, no, hold on – Tuesday is National Animal Crackers Day, and no-one who celebrated Emancipation Day is going to file their taxes on a day dedicated to Crackers.  Well, shoot!  Don’t file your taxes at all.  Nobody cares about your damn taxes anyway.  Certainly not your politicians.

 

And speaking of politicians, here’s one of my Rock ‘n Roll quizzes.  Name the songs that include these lyrics about politicians:

 

1.     It ain’t me.  It ain’t me.  I’m no Senator’s son.

2.     I called my Congressman and he said, quote – “I’d like to help you, Son, but you’re too young to vote.”

3.     In Birmingham they love the Governor.

4.     To voice their discontent unto the President about the burning question what has swept this continent.

5.     Sheriff John Brown always hated me

 

Hi there and welcome back.  Are you feeling well?  I hope so.  I, personally, am confused.  I just can’t seem to get all the gender-neutral words straight.   No more can I say Congressman – now it’s Member of Congress.  And Fireman is Fire Fighter and Mailman is Letter Carrier and Policeman is Police Officer.  And is the Boogeyman now a BoogeyPerson? 

 

It’s impossible nowadays to keep up with woke speech.  I have two lovable and adorable grandchildren in California.  Being from California makes them extra-sensitive to every social issue.  They like bedtime stories, but it’s hard to find one that passes the test.

 

Poppy’s going to tell you a story about Hansel and Gretel.

No, Poppy, that one’s all about income inequality. Hansel and Gretel’s parents were too poor to feed their children, whom they had wanted to abort but the laws were too repressive. 

Ok, how about Jack and the Beanstalk?  Once upon a time . . .

Stop, Poppy, that’s no good.  Those beans were genetically engineered and probably treated with Roundup.  And besides, the story is anti-giant. 

How about Little Black Sambo?

Racist!

Cinderella?

Sexist!

Snow White?

Dwarf discrimination and Snow-White Privilege.

How about The Big Orange-Haired Monster Who Finds a Woman Named Stormy on the Beach Holding a Magic Lamp.  He Rubs It and Out Pops Michael Cohen.

They liked that one and kept chanting, “Lock him up!”  Like I said, they’re from California.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  An honest tale speeds best being plainly told (Richard III).  Pops tells me stories once in a while like The Owl and the Pussycat or Goldilocks and the Three Legs.  Purr.

 

Last week, I listed four movies featuring very handsome men.  I promised that this week I would list four jaw-droppingly stunning women in their roles.  Here are the roles played and the actresses.  You need to come up with the movies.

 

·        Audrey Hepburn as Regina Lampert

·        Alicia Silverstone as Cher Horowitz

·        Lee Remick as Eula Varner

·        Michelle Monaghan as Angela Gennaro

 

Don’t forget the Hockey playoffs start Monday and will end three years from Tuesday.  Well, they just seem interminable to me.  After the playoffs, the NHL will award the Lady Byng Trophy to the “hockey player adjudged to have exhibited the best gentlemanly conduct”.  Have you ever watched a Hockey Game?  The guy who sells popcorn doesn’t even exhibit gentlemanly conduct.  The ticket-taker will cross-check you if you don’t move fast enough and each player has a Go-Fund-Me page to pay for new teeth.  Hockey is like watching 12 Kardashians fighting over one TV camera!  The only thing rougher than a hockey game is the Tennessee Legislature.

 

Here are the Rock ‘n Roll Answers:

 

1.     Fortunate Son - Credence Clearwater Revival (1969)

2.     Summertime Blues – Eddie Cochran (1958)

3.     Sweet Home Alabama-Lynyrd Skynyrd (1973)

4.     Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor-Lonnie Donegan (1959)

5.     I Shot the Sheriff-Bob Marley (1973), Eric Clapton (1974)

 

And the movie answers:  Charade, Clueless, The Long Hot Summer, Gone Baby Gone.  Did I make you work too hard this week with all that thinking?  Sorry.  Come back next week anyway.  Stay well and count your blessings.

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com