Blog #316                                         March 30, 2023

 

Today is opening day for the St. Louis Cardinals Baseball Team, always a big celebration in St. Louis.  On the local news last night, the St. Louis Police Department alerted us that they would be deploying dozens of extra officers to guard against car break-ins and street violence.  They suggested the following:

 

·        Do not drive to the game.  Take the local mass transit trains instead

·        Leave your valuables at home

·        If you drive, do not leave anything in the vehicle

·        When walking to and from the parking lot, walk in groups

 

This is what life has come to.  It sounds like one of those post-apocalyptic movies where the streets are controlled by Zombies.  The schools are not safe.  We can’t answer the phones because of criminals using Artificial Intelligent scammers.  And we can’t drive a Kia.  And the people we pay to protect us freely admit they cannot do it.  We have to take responsibility for protecting ourselves and our property.  What can I say!  Enjoy the game.  Be careful.

 

Hey, can I borrow a twenty?  No?  You haven’t got any cash?  Well, who does?  I owed my daughter some money, and she said for me to just send it on Venmo.  What’s Venmo?  Is that some new superfood like kale or chia seeds?  I tried eating some chia seeds once and they caused a hirsute image of Pat Sajack to grow on my tongue.  No, she explained to me, Venmo was an electronic currency thing-a-ma-jiggy.  My children have Venmo and PayPal and Bitcoin and Apple Pay and I don’t know what any of that means.  I asked her if sending her a check would be too medieval.  She said, “What’s a check?”

 

Weekly Word:  Hirsute means hairy.  So, I hear you cry, why not just say hairy?  Because when I use strange words, it makes you think I’m smart.  Doesn’t it?

 

In The News:  Usain Bolt’s world record for the 100-meter dash has been shattered.  Prince Harry saw a TV camera 100 meters away and got there in nine seconds flat.

 

Last week was the first day of Spring.  There is some disagreement, however, as to which day it was.  The people on television say it was Monday the 20^th, but I really don’t care about them anymore.  To me the seasons change on the 21^st.  I am a scientist and I understand the Vernal Equinox and why it occurred on the 20^th, but I have so few anchors left from the ancient days of my youth that I’m hanging on to the 21^st.  Cash is no longer acceptable, the Boy Scouts have changed their name, Rice Krispies are organic, Pluto is no longer a planet and my grandchildren have never heard of Princess Summerfall Winterspring.  We have to have something solid and unchangeable from our past, don’t we?  So I’m sticking with the 21^st.  Happy Spring!

 

Message from Shakespeare:  The heavens themselves, the planets, and this centre observe degree, priority and place (Troilus and Cressida).  I thought Pluto was a dog that was owned by a mouse named Mickey.  How can a mouse have a pet dog?  Humans are just goofy.  Wait, that name sounds familiar too.  I’m confused.  And what’s a planet?  Purr.

 

Do you remember a phone called the Princess Phone?  Well, Carol’s new phone is an updated version, the iPrincess.  First of all, when she picks it up and says Mirror, Mirror in my hand, who’s the fairest in the land, it turns into a mirror and says, You, of course.  It predicts the weather and likelihood of precipitation for every second of her daily itinerary.  Her Siri calls her Precious and, every two hours, tells her that her hair looks nice.  Her phone has been instructed not to respond to my voice.  I’m used to that.

 

You respond to my voice, don’t you?  Good, let’s get started.  Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well and getting ready for April Fools’ Day, which is Saturday.  I do not celebrate April Fools’ Day – Carol says I am a fool every day. 

 

My life is a boring old song

I’m lost and do everything wrong

So all I can say

On April Fools’ Day

Is that I’m a fool all year long.

 

A fool with no closets.  Our master bedroom has two closets.  Our second bedroom has one.  All three of those belong to my wife.  I can’t complain; I agreed to it at the wedding – For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and you don’t get any closets.  I cope

 

And since I don’t have to clean out my closets, what do I do to keep busy?  I go to get the cable bill adjusted.  Where to start?  I just wanted to cancel my land line.  Who needs a land line?  The calls are all to sell me hearing aids or convince me to donate to the Gwyneth Paltrow Go-Fund-Me Page.  So I wanted to eliminate the line and to get rid of HBO and Showtime, which I can get on Netflix.  Simple, right?  Arranging lunch with Kim Jong-un is simpler!  First of all, new customers get a $25 discount on this and a $15 discount on that, but loyal customers who have been with the company for twenty years get treated like a urine sample.  And then there’s the business practice invented by cable companies that says, “If you add a service, it costs you more, but if you delete a service, it costs you more.”  Because I was on a PLAN.  Did I wake up in a Lewis Carroll novel?  I told the Jabberwocky waiting on us that I was going to cancel all service.  He said that was fine, but it wouldn’t reduce my bill.  Because I was on a PLAN.  I was about to tell the Marquis De Sade into what dark realm he could shove his plan when my better half (actually my better four-fifths) stepped in and saved me from committing a felony.  Although I’m not sure strangling a cable company employee is a crime.  Maybe Assault with a Deadly Clicker. 

 

I have to go now – I’m on a PLAN.  Can you live without me for a whole week?  I bet you can.  Just promise to stay well and count your blessings.  I’ll be back before you know it.

 

Michael                                             Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com