Blog #314                                March 16, 2023

 

Often, in the middle of the night, as I lie in bed accompanied by my warm, loving wife, who lies geographically and politically to my left, and by a small, fidgety, three-legged creature who thinks my body is a pillow – my warped and fertile mind will begin to play with words.  Why, for instance, is the game of chess, whose goal is to move your pieces on a board until you get to “check”, not called checkers?

 

Also, to piss means to eliminate liquids from your body and to poop means to eliminate solids.  But why do the past tense, pissed and pooped mean infuriated and exhausted?  All this eliminating of liquids and solids is very important.

 

Which brings us to the toilet.  The original toilet was invented in the late 19^th Century by Thomas Crapper (true!) and his daughters Fulla Crapper, Pisa Crapper and Pyla Crapper.  My North Carolina son-in-law has an ultra-modern hi-tech monster-toilet created by Elon Flush!  When you walk into the bathroom, the toilet automatically raises its lid like some water-filled Audrey II.  Then it sprays you, warms your privates, tells potty jokes and sings Feed me Seymour all at the same time.   Plus, it has a remote-control device with as many buttons as a South American general’s uniform.  Maybe if I used the toilet remote, I could get Netflix.  I worked so hard trying to figure out his space-age contraption that I became pooped and ultimately pissed off.  Aha, maybe that’s where those words came from.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  Today marks six years since the first Limerick Oyster leaked out of my brain, and now I’m back to start year number seven.  Thanks for sticking with me.  I hope you’re feeling well and enjoying Lent, the Christian religious observance commemorating the 40 days Jesus spent fasting in the desert.  Now, no-one really wants to suffer too much for their religion and not everyone has a desert handy, so the Christians have decided that, instead of fasting for 40 days in the desert, maybe skipping meat on a few Friday nights will be acceptable to God.  Sacrifice is sacrifice, and God loves you and appreciates your effort.  One of the local restaurants, Tucker’s, has decided that as long as you’re going to force yourself to eat fish on Friday nights, we might as well make it lobster, even though that’s not fish.  On the seven (I think) Fridays during Lent, Tucker’s offers two lobster tails, a salad and a baked potato for $39.95.  Nobody said Jews weren’t allowed, so we went.  My wife adores lobster, and if Christians are going to suffer with lobster tails, she’s all over it.  She got the lobster special; I got a hamburger pizza for $12.  Well, forty bucks sounded like a lot for dinner and I decided to be cheap.  Money can’t buy you happiness, but it’s more comfortable being sad in a Porsche.

 

Did you watch the Academy Awards?  I used to, but now the bedazzled panoply of celebrities is mostly unfamiliar to me, and I haven’t seen any of the movies anyway.  Being old, I guess.  I did see a few recognizable famous people arriving to the event.  I saw Harrison Ford and Nicole Kidman and Jamie Lee Curtis.  And there, behind all the cars, I’m pretty sure I saw Will Smith shining shoes on Hollywood Boulevard. 

 

I don’t believe the awards are based on merit any more.  They’re based on wokeness and diversity, so it was no surprise that the Asian movie won everything, everywhere, all at once.  Carol had it taped, so on Monday, we decided to watch it. Movie Review:  We made it through one hour, and that was way too much.  It was slapstick, confusing and not remotely entertaining.  But anti-Asian discrimination has been much in the news lately, so this movie won it all.  That’s ok, a gesture of love and inclusivity.  Starting next year, no movie can be nominated for Best Picture unless the film’s Screen Representation, Creative Leadership and Storyline pass a difficult diversity standard.  True! I always thought the Best Movie award should go to the movie that made the most money.  Sorry, I must be stupid.

 

To those of you who are Irish; to those of you who are green; to those of you who will gladly get plastered at the drop of a shamrock – Happy St. Patrick’s Day, which is tomorrow.  I myself have never liked green popcorn, green bagels, green beer, avocados or kale.

 

What I do like is receiving comments from you.  I got one this week from a new reader who said he was glad to have joined my posse.  Posse – I like that.  It makes me feel like Hopalong Cassidy.

 

Message from Shakespeare: When well-apparelled April on the heel of limping Winter treads (Romeo and Juliet).  What’s with the Hopalong thing?  Is he making fun of me because I limp?  And before that he called me a small, fidgety creature.  Is he mad at me?  No, he can’t be mad.  Today makes three years since Pops brought me home.  That was the luckiest day of my life.  Purr.

 

Right now, I am sitting at my desk, my left hand on a cat, my right hand on a mouse.  It’s a computer mouse, of course, and the cat is asleep, with his head resting on the edge of the keyboard.  I’m scratching his neck, but I don’t think he knows that.  Sound asleep.  Such a good boy.

 

I just discovered that there is actually a line of clothing called Osama Bin Laden which was started about ten years ago by the infamous terrorist’s family.  This is absolutely true.  You can buy it on the internet.  I think they’re even going to open their own stores:  Banana Dictatorship – Bombingdale’s –Anthrax Fifth Avenue – Hijack and Jill’s.  You’d better buy some before Terrorist Chic becomes all the rage:

 

Get rid of those Tommy Bahamas

The only “in” clothes are Osamas

With purses by Saddam

Make sure that you’ve got ‘em

And pink and white Yasser pajamas.

 

I warned you I was weird.  Our Weekly Word is panoply, which means a magnificent or impressive array.  And you, my loyal panoply of readers, are much appreciated.  Stay well, count your blessings and please come back next week.  We’ll start Year #7 together.

 

Hopalong                                          Sent comments to mfox1746@gmail.com