Blog #273                                         June 2, 2022

 

I hate when people don’t hold the door open for me.  It’s just common courtesy to hold the door open for the next person.  Didn’t your mother teach you anything?  Today someone held the door open for me.  He was 55 or 60-ish.  He looked at my gray hair and my face, held the door and said, “After you, sir.”  I hate when people hold the door open for me.

 

To make life easier, everyone should wear a hat with their age on it so the people who hold the door open for you can tell if you’re old enough to be their father or their grandfather.  Yes, I know I just made a mistake.  I should have written, “Everyone should wear a hat with his age.”  My favorite English teacher, Mrs. Gottlieb, taught us that the word everyone is singular and should be used with a singular pronoun.  So “everyone should take their seat” is wrong and “everyone should take his seat” is right.  Right?  But wait!  If I use his, that’s sexist, so I should use his or her.   “No-no-no” – I hear you whine.  The new gender-neutral movement considers his or her inadequate because now there are more gender-selective pronouns than guns in Texas.  I give up.  I’m going to stick with their.  I’m sorry, Mrs. Gottlieb.

 

And speaking of gender, the US Men’s Chess Championship and US Women’s Chess Championship will be held in Rancho Mirage, CA this year.  Somehow, when I heard the two separate tournaments announced, it made me a little bellicose.  Women’s chess championship?  I can understand a separate women’s basketball -- men are, as a whole, taller and stronger.  Or women’s tennis or most other sports.  But chess?  Are men naturally smarter than women?  I think not.  The National Spelling Bee is sexually inclusive.  Mensa is not segregated between men and women.  Jeopardy does not have a Women’s Edition.  There are no Bridge tournaments for one sex only. Why chess?  If I were a woman. I’d be sorely insulted.  And, for that matter, why is the King more important than the Queen?  And what’s with the black pieces and the white pieces.  Is this a racist thing?  And Kings and Knights and Pawns just reek of class inequality.  And Bishops?  What happened to Separation of Church and Chess?  I think we should boycott the tournament and Chess in general.  It’s just some silly, Medieval, racist, sexist, homophobic waste of time!  And who decided to spell Medieval that way?  Ok, I feel better.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  Aren’t you tired of me yet?  You should be, because I’m about to tell you the same old story.  I went to have a blood test at one of these independent labs.  I used to hate blood tests and would get nervous and queasy, but I guess I’ve outgrown that along with all the other things I’ve outgrown, like smoking, drinking and sleeping through the night.

 

The first thing I had to do for my blood test was to go online and make an appointment.  Ok, not so terrible, but when I arrived at the appointed time, there was no-one there.  Just a machine with a big sign that said Deal with This Damn Machine or Get the Hell Out!  Well, not those exact words, but pretty much the same idea.  So I dealt with it – name, rank, serial number, insert your driver’s license, insert your insurance card, insert your entire life and wait to be rejected.  I was rejected.  Which prompted the appearance of a real-life, walking, talking human being.  I was relieved.  She walked to the machine, pushed a few buttons and said, “This damned computer never works. Ok, you’re good. Come with me.”  And we proceeded to have a lovely time talking about the Blues game and her children, and I never even noticed that she had taken my blood already.  What a pleasure!  Now tell me exactly why we had to have that machine!

 

There is one advantage to getting older – you get better at diagnosing diseases.  A friend of mine was complaining about a rash on his forehead and a little pain in his eye.  I immediately came up with a diagnosis of shingles, and a visit to the doctor the next day confirmed it.  Luckily, it’s not a bad case and, I hope, he will get through it without too much discomfort.  As I said, the older I get, the better I am at diagnosing diseases.

 

If something is swollen or sore

Don’t knock on the hospital’s door

Call me! In a whiz

I will know what it is

‘Cause I’ve probably had it before.

 

Oh my, I forgot to say I hope you’re feeling well and had a nice Memorial Day.   Summer is here, unofficially, and the Award Season is, blessedly, behind us.  The last one was something called the ICON Award, and was won by Jennifer Lopez.  I don’t know what the ICON Award is, but in her speech, she created a new anagram for ICON – I Can Overcome Negativity.  I’m sure she’s doing her part to fight against the negativity in people’s lives, and I have never had anything bad to say about J-Lo.  But she’s among the most beautiful, most talented and richest people in the world and having her encourage people to fight their negative feelings struck me kind of like LeBron James telling people not to be depressed because they’re short.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? (Sonnet 18).  Summer is my favorite time.  Pops opens a window on the porch so I can sit all day on my cat tree and watch the butterflies and listen to the birds through the screened window.  Sometimes, he’ll even come out and sit with me and scratch my neck.  I like summer.  Purr.

 

Our Weekly Word is bellicose, which means demonstrating aggression and a willingness to fight.  I do get that way sometimes, don’t I?  Sorry.  Ok, we’ve finished another week.  Seven damn days closer to the future.  Is there anything good in the future?  Maybe week’s blog.  Don’t miss it.  Stay well and count your blessings.

 

I just realized that I did not mention my wife once in this week’s blog.  Hi, Honey.

 

Michael                                             Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com