Blog #272                                May 26, 2022

 

My wife went out with some girlfriends for Cranky Hour.  They don’t call it that, of course.  They call it Happy Hour, or sometimes The Half-Price Is Right, but often it gets to be a little cantankerous.  For instance, they ordered the $11 dollar glass of wine which was $6 for Happy Hour, but the restaurant was out of that label and would not substitute a different one at the Happy Hour Price.  Who did they think they were dealing with, the Lennon Sisters?  These were four strong, insistent women who knew their rights.  They summoned the Assistant Manager, the Manager, the Regional Manager and three senior members of the legal staff, but all those high-powered restaurant execs were out-gunned.  As soon as the women reminded them of Johnnie Cochran’s famous line -- If the wine don’t pour, we’re out the door – the battle was won.  They got the best wine for the cheapest price. 

 

Congress is holding hearings on UAPs (Unidentified Aerial Phenomena) which we used to call UFOs (Unidentified Flying Objects).  The question is whether there exists extra-terrestrial life somewhere out there?  As a science-nerd, I know that most scientists would say yes.  But I’m curious to hear what religious leaders might answer.  It seems to say in the Bible that God created us all and apparently found no need to create other worlds because over and over again, we hear “and God saw that it was good.” 

 

Excuse me, God, but it was good?  You call this good?  School shootings, war and genocide, planet-wide pandemics, poverty, hatred, hunger, natural disasters, Johnnie Depp?  This is what You call good?  I need a Happy Hour!  Although I’m pretty sure it’s going to take more than an hour to make me happy.  And what would I get at my Happy Hour?  I don’t drink any alcohol, so I’d have to stick to the appetizers, like the Brussels Sprouts Sliders.  I’ll bet God never said that was good.  But, as long as I have you here, God, I do have one humble and respectful request:

 

You’ve created this world where we dwell

But there’s one thing I’d like to expel

It would really be good,

Dear God, if you would

Send Vladimir Putin to Hell.

 

Oy, now I’ve got God and the KGB after me.  Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well and staying dry.  As I am writing this, it is pouring outside.  Carol hates rain.  Rain is anathema.  I’m not sure whether it’s a hair thing or that she’s related to the Wicked Witch of the West.  Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.  She is constantly tuned to at least one weather app so she can plan when to leave the house.  My oldest daughter is like that too.  We were on a vacation in North Carolina with Jennifer and her family and had stayed inside the whole night because Carol and Jennifer had determined that the forecasts were ominous.  It did not rain a drop.  Then the next morning, right after breakfast, the two of them, whom I had begun to refer to as Cloudy and Cher, were watching their electronic devices again.  “I think today is the day we should stay in the house; the forecast is 60% storms.”  While the Storm Sisters were thus preparing to ruin my day, I was on the porch where I could see a beautiful sunny sky with not a cloud in sight.

 

Anathema is a great Weekly Word.  It means someone or something intensely despised or loathed.  Like this whole Johnnie Depp and Amber Heard thing.  I’ve never heard two people call each other such horrible things – unless they were running for the Senate.  Are you not tired of these people and their fifty-million here and hundred-million there and she hit me first, no he hit me first?

 

And speaking of actors, I saw an ad for a new movie.  Amidst the lengthy and legally required cautions that accompany a PG-13 rating, I discovered the following words:  Thematic Material, Disturbing Images, Some Strong Language, And Historical Smoking.  I’ve never heard that Historical Smoking warning before, but someone has determined that smoking is bad for children to watch.  It’s probably bad for the actors as well.  I have always wondered why they have to show the actors smoking.  And don’t give me the argument about historical accuracy.  That didn’t seem to bother anybody when the show Hamilton made George Washington black.  And, by the way, they’re actors being paid millions of dollars to make us believe they are something that they’re not.  Ok, big-shot actors, make us believe you’re smoking.

 

And what about the stock market?  The Dow Jones is falling faster than the availability of baby formula.  God, are you listening?  You still think all this is good?  I’m sure God doesn’t think this blog is good, so I’d better shift to something lighter.  I have a great idea for my girl audience: Wardrobe History Tags.  Attached to the hanger holding that cute little black dress will hang one of my Wardrobe History Tags, a small, round, voice-analytic device.  We’ll call her Dressy.  When you pick out what you’re wearing tonight, just press the button and say, “Dressy, I’m going to Tony’s tonight with Fred and Ethel Mertz.”  Dressy will respond, “Hello, Carol.  You wore this dress to Tony’s last November, but you’ve never worn it with Fred and Ethel.  It’s ok to wear tonight.  Try those little black boots with the silver buckles.  The pink nail-polish will look fabulous!”  Or, it might say, “No, no, you wore that dress with the Mertzes two weeks ago.  I know Ethel; she’ll remember.  Wear that nice gray dress on Hanger #47.  Black flats.  And, take a sweater.  Tony’s sets its thermostat at 67^o.”

 

Message from Shakespeare:  The apparel oft proclaims the man (Hamlet).  A cat has no apparel to pick out.  I have my own fur coat and the only thing I have to choose is what comfy place I’m going to nap on.  A cat’s life is easy.  Sorry, I’m leaving now to take a nap on the cat tree.  Purr.

 

Time to go.  I think I hear the KGB knocking.  Stay well, count your blessings and have a safe holiday weekend.  I’ll be back next week, unless they get me first.

 

Michael                                             Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com