Blog #271                                May 19, 2022

 

I told you last week I was going to the Opera, and I did.  It was Puccini’s Turandot, and was a monumental and intricate performance.  I tried to concentrate on the plot, but there was one thing that really disturbed me: for hours, the tenor (there’s always a tenor) expounded with glorious musical talent upon the opera’s leitmotif, his unquenchable love of Turandot, who was the soprano (there’s always one of those too).  Turandot was a Chinese princess played by a Ukrainian diva singing in Italian.  No wonder it’s hard to keep track.  It was perfectly clear, however, that the tenor adored Turandot, even though she had the body of a small grain silo and the face of a portobello mushroom.  Ah, but love is blind, right?   Apparently, so are tenors.

 

Our Weekly Word is leitmotif which means a dominant and recurring theme.  I shall endeavor to make humor and good cheer the leitmotifs of today’s blog.  Hi there and welcome back.  What are you doing?  Watching the 9^th Hour of Hoda?  I swear she’s on TV more than that stupid Emu.  I hope you’re feeling well and stocking up on baby formula.  I remember, and this is a true story, Carol and I were shopping in a Sam’s or Costco somewhere.  Suddenly, she grabbed me by the elbow and said, “I want one of those!”  One of what? I replied.  She pointed to a man 18 aisles over who was carrying something on his shoulder, something big, something blue, but from that distance, I could not tell what it was.  “That!  Get me one,” she insisted.  Ok, I said.  What is it?  “I don’t know,” she replied, “but everybody’s got one.”  Sure enough, I looked around and there were other people with the big blue thing in their cart or on their shoulders, and even though she had no idea what it was, she wasn’t leaving the store without one.  I investigated and discovered that the big blue things were 36-roll packages of Charmin’s Ultra-Soft which were on sale.  We got two.  She was happy.  Later that day, I told her to embrace her mistakes – so she hugged me.

 

Last week, I told you that I was not a highbrow, didn’t have the gene for appreciating the symphony or opera.  “Call me a boor, call me Ishmael”, I wrote.  Some friends commented that I couldn’t be a boor and still quote “Call me Ishmael”, the opening line of Moby Dick.  In high school, I got a D in Miss Bowers’ English class because of Moby Dick.  It was the only D that I ever received.  As a freshman in college, I got an A+ in English Literature, so I took the grade report back to Miss Bowers just to show her how wrong she had been.  She had forgotten who I was.  Did you know that Starbucks was named after a character in Moby Dick?  I have read Moby Dick six times.  Call me Ridiculous!

 

I am so fed up with this cough that I don’t know what to do.  I am trying to ignore it by proceeding with my normal schedule.  I took my daily walk, during which I talked with my daughter Jennifer.  She told me that to get my mind off the cough, I should just splurge, treat myself to anything and everything that will make me happy.  She suggested the following:

 

·        Cheat on your diet.  I’m not on a diet.  I eat anything I want.

·        Read a good book.  I’m already reading a good book – Billy Summers by Stephen King.  Do you think I sit around looking for bad books to read?

·        Be with people you like.  I like being with my wife; she’s right over there watching television, reading a book and playing bridge online.  And I like being with my friends.

·        Have a glass of wine.  There is not one thing in this world that could persuade me to take a drink.

·        Go to the Opera.  I’d rather cough.

 

So I guess there’s nothing I would treat myself to that I’m not already doing.  I suppose that makes me about the luckiest man around.

 

Those things that would brighten my day

Are the things that I do anyway

I’m a fortunate dude

And don’t need a new mood

As long as my cough goes away.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  Those that are betray’d do feel the treason sharply (Cymbeline).  What am I?  Chopped cat liver?  He raves about his books and his wife and his friends, but do any of them curl up on his lap and purr?  Well, maybe one or two of his friends.  But not as well as I do.  He should have mentioned me.  Purr.

 

I finally convinced my doctor to prescribe an antibiotic for the cough and I looked it up online to check out the side effects.  Here’s what I found – dizziness, drowsiness, weakness, tired feeling, blurred vision, headache, strong cravings for McDonald’s in the morning and a strange compulsion to read Moby Dick.  I’m pretty sure I can handle it.

 

I will add the new pill to my already impressive menu of pills, capsules, ointments, salves, nose sprays, lotions, potions and gels.  I have carefully categorized pill-takers into four groups. The groups are Free Lance, Organized, Anal and Screwball.   Free Lance includes those of you who simply know what pills to take and when to take them.  Organized pill-takers need some additional help and use a pill box with seven compartments marked with each day of the week.  Anal pill-takers – you know, maybe that’s a poor choice.   By anal, I don’t mean suppositories; I mean someone who makes sure the oven is off before leaving the house – five times.  Or someone who goes to McDonald’s every single morning.   Anal pill-takers have a pill box with fourteen compartments so the medicines can be split between a.m. and p.m.

 

And then there is the Screwball category which includes me.  I just fill each compartment with one kind of pill.  When it’s time to take pills, I open them all.  I still think a great parlor game would be for each person to write down all his or her pills on a piece of paper and throw it into a pile.  One list would be chosen at random and everybody would guess who it belonged to.  We’d call it Who Wants to Be a Pillionaire?  Kind of like Colonel Mustard in the Kitchen with the Stool Softener.  

 

Alright, that’s enough merriment for one week.  May you have wonderful days and crisp clean nights.  May your troubles be light and your delights many, and may you have peace and happiness all week long.  Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?  Hell, I’d settle for the whole week to go by without getting beaten up by Will Smith.  Stay well and count your blessings.  See you next week.

 

Ridiculous                               Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com