Blog #233                                                   August 26, 2021

Sing in me, Muse, and through me tell the story.  Those are the first words of the Odyssey by Homer.  Yes, Homer had his muse, and I have mine, my wife of course, although at times she uses a cryptic set of signals to convey her desires.  After 54 years of marriage, I think I have a few of those signals figured out.

When she says: Are you hot?  she means - I’m hot, turn on the air conditioner.

When she says: Are you going out like that?  she means - If you are, it’s not with me.

When she says: You look tired.  she means - Take me home; I’m tired.

When she says: I like when you go shopping with me. she means - Drop me off at the door, then come inside and hold my packages.

When she says: My hair looks horrible! she means - You have three seconds to compliment my hair. Three, two, …

 

Anyone who thinks that a man can control a woman – is a bachelor.

 

We all watch Jeopardy, don’t we?  It’s fun!  We get to see how much we know and how awfully much we don’t know.  I think there should be a Senior Jeopardy.  I have some ideas along that line.  First, we have to get rid of that little clicker thing they use.  Mechanical devices confuse us and we have arthritis in our fingers.  And which button controls the volume?  Second, we need more time to answer.  Who can think that fast?  And, of course, the questions have to be senior-friendly, like “What is MiraLAX for?”  This is stuff we know about.  I have a whole new Double Jeopardy category for you called Who’s the Dummy?  Here it is; you pick the ventriloquist’s dummy.

 

$200           Who’s the Dummy, Charlie McCarthy or Edgar Burgen?

$400           Who’s the Dummy, Meatloaf or Lambchop?

$600           Who’s the Dummy, Jerry Lewis or Jerry Mahoney?

$800           Who’s the dummy, Topo Gigio or Charo?

$1000          Who’s the dummy, Donald Trump or Joe Biden?

 

How’d you do?  Did you get them all right?  The real dummies are Charlie McCarthy (held by Edgar Burgen), Lambchop (Shari Lewis), Jerry Mahoney (Paul Winchell), Topo Gigio (Ed Sullivan show) and – no, no, I’m not going there. Now you can try the Final Senior Jeopardy Answer: “She was the Indian princess on Howdy Doody.”

 

One year, for my wife’s birthday, I surprised her by hiring a ventriloquist to give her a lesson, something she said she always wanted to try.  We and a few friends gathered at my daughter’s house where The Amazing Mario showed her how to use his dummy, which looked like a little boy.  Carol tried and everybody laughed.  Then it was my turn and he placed the dummy on my lap.  My little granddaughter, Charley, was about 15 months old then and was sitting in a corner enjoying the show.  But when she saw the little boy on her Poppy’s lap, she roused into action, calmly walked up to me, silently picked up the dummy, gently placed him in the corner, came back and crawled onto my lap, a lap she did not intend to share with some creepy little boy.

 

It's Thursday – do you know where your Limerick Oyster is?  Well, it’s right here.  Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you are feeling well.  I have a question for you: What do you spend the most time doing during the day?  I know what my answer is.  It’s not reading or writing or watching television.  No, the thing I spend the most time doing is getting ready.  There’s getting ready in the morning – brushing and lotions and pills and the litter box and the cat food.  Then there’s getting ready for a bridge game with my friends or for working at the Zoo.  Then the treadmill and the shower.  Then there’s getting ready for dinner, and finally, getting ready for bed.  All day long, I’m getting ready for something.  And the nighttime getting ready takes the longest – the flossing, the brushing, the pills, the eyedrops, the skin lotions and putting my three-legged cat to bed.  It lasts forever.

 

I have to take pills and I tread,

Make sure Shakespeare’s watered and fed,

There’s so much delay

That I wake up each day

Just to start getting ready for bed.

     

It seems that way, doesn’t it?  And I don’t even have to put on makeup or do my hair like you girls do.  And a fine and glamorous job you all do!  Isn’t it especially apropos that today is actually National Toilet Paper Day and you all look so Charmin’?

 

Sometimes, when I’m trying to get ready for bed, my wife gets in the way.  That’s when her watch has told her she has failed to do her 10,000 steps and she starts stomping and kicking around the house like a Rockette and making an annoying, if attractive, obstacle of herself.  They all think that such a salubrious activity will somehow convince God to magically let them live forever.  I hope they’re right.  My watch tells me what time it is.

Message from Shakespeare:  Let every man be master of his time (Macbeth).  I don’t need a watch.  For me, it’s either sleep time or play time.  And counting my cat steps wouldn’t be fair.  Other cats would get four steps when I only get three.  Anyway, the only electronic device I care about is a mouse.  Purr.

Last Monday, we buried a good friend, a sorrowful event that seems to be happening with increasing frequency.  Listening to the Rabbi’s words reminded me that I have already written my own eulogy.  I have left written instructions for the Rabbi to say all the Hebrew he thought appropriate -- nobody will understand it anyway – but to confine his remarks in English to a two-page message I have written.  It’s concise, brief and, if I do confess, somewhat charming.  Don’t miss it.

The Weekly Word is salubrious, which means promoting health and well-being.  Basically, if something is salubrious, it’s good for you.  Like Limerick Oyster.  Well, at least it makes you smile sometimes, and that’s good for you.  Hope we made you smile this week.  Stay well, count your blessings and come back to me in a week.  Time to go – I have to get ready.

Princess Summerfall Winterspring     Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com