Blog #194

 

I overheard my wife talking to a friend who was recovering from knee surgery.  Carol, the kind and caring person that she is, offered to bring her some dinner. “No,” the friend said, “I don’t want you to go out.”  Don’t be silly, my wife said, I’ll just send Michael out to do it.  Send Michael out to do it?  What am I, the Chinese butler in Auntie Mame?  I’ll send Hop Sing out to do it.   I’ll tell Hop Sing to go to the store.  Oh, Hop Sing, can you drop me off at the door; it’s raining.  Oh, Hop Sing, can you get me a mocha frappe while you’re out?   I dug out our marriage contract just to review exactly what I had promised 53 years ago, and there it was – love, honor and obey.  At least that’s what my copy said.  Hers said – push, wheedle and control.

 

And don’t get all Funk & Wagnalls on me because the Chinese butler in Auntie Mame was actually Ito.  I like the name Hop Sing better.  Hop Sing was the cook on Ponderosa. 

 

Hi there and Happy Thanksgiving.  I hope you’re feeling well and staying upbeat as you prepare for what is most likely the loneliest Thanksgiving you have ever spent.   I bet you’re ready to get back to the Good Old Days, aren’t you?

 

That golden and halcyon scene

When life was so bright and serene

Those days long ago

I do miss them so

The Good Old Days – 2019.

 

You remember the Good Old Days, don’t you?  2019?  When you used to be afraid of people wearing masks instead of being afraid of people not wearing masks?  When toilet paper was a necessity, not a luxury item?  When you took your doctor’s advice without first checking who he or she voted for?  When getting together with friends meant being in the same room?  When you could hug something other than your pillow?  When Social Distancing meant the Rockefellers didn’t dine with the Bernsteins?

 

It’s sad, isn’t it?  But, at least, I’m here, right?  And you’re there, where you are every Thursday morning.  Welcome back.  What should we talk about?  First, let’s get the Weekly Word out of the way.  Halcyon (hal-see-on) means a time in the past that was idyllically happy and peaceful.  I guess that was before The View.

 

Do you have an Alexa?  Of course you do.  Everyone has an Alexa or an Echo Dot or some silly cylinder that doesn’t understand what you’re saying.  I really don’t get along with our Alexa, but Carol tries to use her sometimes:

 

Carol:   Alexa, play some Barbra Streisand music.

Alexa:   I cannot find a movie of that name near you.

Carol:   No, Alexa, play some Streisand music.

Alexa:   Ok, connecting you to the Albanian Embassy.

Carol:   Damn it, Alexa, PLAY BARBRA STREISAND!

Alexa:   Getting directions to the nearest Bar-be-cue restaurant.

 

Life is too complicated.  Alexa and Siri and cell phones and – well, just getting dressed.  It’s all a mystery to me.  The following is a true story.  While I was still working, Carol had occasion to go to Disneyworld with two of the grandchildren.  I was home alone and surviving tolerably until I realized I had a fancy-schmancy bank party to go to after work.  I was the bank’s biggest customer, so I had to make an appearance.  I found a black and gray houndstooth jacket and black pants, a white shirt and a snappy little paisley yellow tie and wore these to work.  As soon as I walked in the office, Amanda, my loyal and wise associate, grabbed me by the paisley.  Foxy, she said, you can’t wear houndstooth with a paisley tie.  You look like a dime-store kaleidoscope.  She removed my tie and threw it in the shredder.  Thirty minutes later, I had a meeting with a representative of a different bank.  As soon as he sat down at my desk, I buzzed for Amanda to come in.  How’s that tie? I asked her, pointing to the banker’s solid-gray neckwear.  She grudgingly conceded it would work.  I need that tie, I told him.  He immediately removed it and handed it over.  I was his biggest customer too.

 

The part about throwing the tie in the shredder didn’t happen, but one day, my partner walked into my office with a scissors and cut my tie in two.  I laughed, of course.  The next day, he brought me six new ties.  Now that’s the truth.

 

It is astonishing to me that a man so inept at dressing or operating any device more sophisticated than a rubber band has survived this long.  I am consistently wrong, lost or mismatched, and cannot fathom why so many people ask me for advice.  I am good, however, for a few limited things.  As an example, my oldest granddaughter, Zoey, needed some information about the characters in Moby Dick.  And who do think she called?  If you answered Ghostbusters, I’m not sending you any more blogs.  She called me, of course, the only person in the Northern Hemisphere to have read the book six times.  I am definitely the right person to call if you have any questions about Moby, The Raven or Paradise Lost.  But not about fashion.  Stevie Wonder dresses better than I do.

 

More new Christmas songs have been released.  My favorites this week are Rudy the Giuliani Had a Very Shiny Nose and Oh Kamala All Ye Faithful.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  If music be the food of love, play on (Twelfth Night).  I like Christmas music, I guess.  This will be my first Christmas with Pops.  I think my favorite song is All I Want for Christmas is A New Left Leg.

 

It’s time for me to go now.  Just one more thought.  It’s Deer Season here in Missouri.  For all you deer hunters out there, with firearms or with bow, I pray with all my heart and spirit that you miss.   

 

Well, loyal readers, I am grateful for many things, and one of them is the opportunity to share with you each week.  Enjoy your turkey, stay well and count your blessings, because every day should be a day of thanksgiving.  See you next week.

 

Hop Sing                        Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com