Blog #193

I just heard that some election officials who are counting and re-counting Presidential ballots have actually received death threats.  If you vote the wrong way or Tweet the wrong tweet or support the wrong cause nowadays, someone will start threatening to kill you.  What a country!  Death threats have become what Valentine cards used to be when we were kids.  You just send them to everybody.  Hallmark, never one to let an opportunity go by, has just unveiled a new line of Death Threat Cards.  Here’s my favorite:

 Dear Donald,

         We all know that roses are red

I’d like to shoot you in the head

Now violets are blue

And I really hate you

And I hope when you get this – you’re dead.

 

Your Friend,

Joy

 

I wish the re-counting and the legal challenges would stop and we could all just congratulate Joe Biden as the new President and move on.  But who knows how long he will last?  I’ve begun to hear little school children chanting new lyrics to an old rhyme:

 

Joe and Jill went up the Hill

Into the White House Tower

Joe fell down and broke his crown

And Kamala took power.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  Are you tired of my psychotic poetry? The border between genius and madness is subtle.  I hope you are feeling well and staying safe.  Next Thursday is Thanksgiving.  What are you going to do?  You can’t travel to be with family.  You can’t get together with friends.  You can’t go to a restaurant.  I’m not even sure you should get within six feet of a turkey.  You don’t know where it’s been!  All you can do is microwave some Trader Joe’s thing and FaceTime your loved ones.  But do not spend Thanksgiving Day complaining about the life you live and the world you live it in.  Nobody wants to hear you bitch on a day set aside to being thankful.  Even in this dystopian nightmare, you can still find a way to be positive!  You have a whole week to come up with a list of things you and your family can be thankful for.  Here are some helpful suggestions:

 

·        Be thankful for your health.  It could be worse. 

·        Be thankful you live in a world with FaceTime, Zoom, Twitter and email so that you can be in touch with your family.

·        Be thankful that the election is over.  At least I think it’s over.

·        Be thankful we don’t elect a President every two years.

·        Be thankful that Pfizer has come up with a vaccine that should be available in a few months.  And don’t give me that crap about -- Well I’m not taking the vaccine until it’s been proven safe.  Covid has certainly been proven unsafe.

·        Be thankful you have something to read on Thursday mornings that makes you laugh.  That would be Limerick Oyster, in case you have fallen asleep already.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  I can no other answer make but thanks, and thanks, and ever thanks (Twelfth Night).  Thanks to Nonnie and Pops for adopting me so I wouldn’t have to be an orphan.  And thanks to you for letting a cat talk to you every week.  You’re pretty weird.

 

As soon as Thanksgiving is over, the Christmas season begins.  Actually, it has begun already.  Mattel has come out with their new Covid Barbie.  She’s dressed in sweat clothes, a pink mask and no bra.  She has no makeup, her roots are showing and she’s put on a few pounds.  And she sends Ken to the grocery store.  Plus, I’ve already heard a few new Christmas songs.  My two favorites are You’re a Mean One, Mr. Trump and I Saw Biden Sniffing Santa Claus.

 

And speaking about that vaccine, the issue now arises of who should get it first.  Conventional wisdom says that all the health-care providers should get it first.  Well, that notion should instead be called Conventional Stupidity.  What if we’ve made a mistake and all the health-care providers get some bad side effect?  Who’s going to take care of them?

 

Next on the list would be the most “vulnerable”.  That would be old people like me, but let’s think about that a minute.  On the plus side, old people do entertain their grandchildren by talking about strange things like ice-boxes and typewriters, but there are many negatives:

 

·        Old people drive too slowly and clog up the highways.

·        Old people use up our health-care resources.

·        Old people make young people waste their time by explaining the latest iPhone update.

 

But since the decision will be made by politicians, here’s really who will get the vaccine, in this order:

 

·        Politicians.  Duh!

·        News Media – so they will say nice things about the politicians. 

·        Contestants on The Voice.  We have to have entertainment.

·        Everybody else.

·        Every illegal immigrant.

·        Harvey Weinstein.

 

Weekly Word:  A place is dystopian when everything in it is bad.  It’s the opposite of Utopian, I guess.

 

I have a question.  You’re sitting on the couch watching television, and somebody is next to you – your spouse, your grandchild, Jake from State Farm -- whoever it is.  You wouldn’t dream of grabbing a blanket and throwing it on them, would you?  But let them fall asleep, and you run to the nearest blanket and instantly drape it over them.  Then you turn down the volume on the TV and turn off the lights.  Why do we do that?  The person was supremely comfortable with the surroundings.  That’s why he or she dozed off.  So why do we immediately change their temperature and the sound and the light?  I admit not having an answer.  I don’t have all the answers, you know.

 

I don’t even know what I’m doing here in this crazy dystopian world.  I searched for reasons not to blow my brains out and I found one – writing to you.  I like it, and you do too.  What a perfect match.  Besides, what else do you have to do, buy a Covid Barbie?  Stay safe, everybody, and count your blessings.  Don’t just count them, write them all down and read them next week on Thanksgiving.  I’ll talk to you then.  For now, I’m done!  Turn me over and baste me, because this bird is outa here!

 

Michael                          Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com