Blog #195

 

And speaking of plungers.  Were you speaking about plungers?  I wasn’t speaking about plungers.  We have a plunger.  Everybody has a plunger.  I have no great place to put it, so I just keep it in a corner.  But I noticed that it had accumulated some mold or slime or some je ne sais quoi (it’s a French plunger), so I asked my wife to give me her Martha Stewart advice.  Should I soak it in bleach?  How much bleach should I use?  Can I use the bucket?  Do we have a bucket?  How long should I soak it?  I figured she would know what to do.  And she did.  She looked at it for two milliseconds and said, “Throw that disgusting thing out and buy a new one for three dollars.”  Simple enough.  Why didn’t I think of that?

 

And speaking of plungers (sound familiar?), did you celebrate World Toilet Day?  Yes, World Toilet Day.  It was two weeks ago.  It wasn’t even National Toilet Day; it was WORLD Toilet Day.  Look it up.  I’m not exactly sure what we were supposed to do in celebration, so I did what I do best.  I wrote a limerick.

 

Yes, World Toilet Day, this is it!

So I went to my toilet to sit

But I just didn’t care

And was bored sitting there

‘Cause I really did not give a shit.

 

I apologize for that, but sometimes the Limerick Muse just grabs me by the throat and makes me write things I shouldn’t.  I bet all you plumbers out there liked it though.  I respect plumbers.  They’re the people who actually do know shit from Shinola.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?  I hope so.  We had turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, gravy and apple pie.  Thanksgiving is my favorite meal.  I even request a turkey dinner every year for my birthday.  And, by the way, for my next birthday I’m not even counting this year.  I barely used it.

 

This Thanksgiving dinner was absolutely delicious.  Just the three of us – Me, Carol and Shakespeare.  Very nice, but sad as well.  Abby, my St. Louis daughter, made the turkey and dessert.  Carol made the dressing, potatoes and gravy.  Then we divided the goodies up into the appropriate portions, traded packages between the two households and ate in our separate homes.  I decided to perk up the evening by dressing for the occasion, so without telling Carol, I donned nice gray slacks, a navy blazer, blue shirt and bow-tie.  Really!  I was sartorially magnificent if I do (and I do) say so myself!   Carol took one look, smiled and said, You know you’re going to spill gravy on that nice shirt and then you’ll have to take it to the cleaners.  She’s such a romantic!  After the delicious dinner, Shakespeare and I played Fetch.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  You can’t lose a game if you don’t play the game (Romeo and Juliet).  Pops and I play a great game.  He rolls a ball down the hall.  I watch.  Then he fetches it and brings it back.  I watch.  I have him trained to do it three or four times before he gets tired.  He’s such a good boy.

 

After playing, we asked Alexa to play some new Christmas songs.  First, she played All I Want for Christmas is the New Vaccine.  Then David Duke with his rendition of I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas.  And finally, Anthony Fauci’s new hit:  Grandma Got the Covid From a Reindeer.  Rudolph’s bright red nose is covered by a mask this year, so Santa is going to have to use a GPS.  At holiday time, that means Gifts Provided by Santa.

 

And speaking of Jingle Bells, what sound does your phone make when it rings?  My phone allows me 29 different choices.  Plus, you can search online for an unlimited list of ring tones.  I, as the fuddiest and duddiest person you know, have of course chosen a ring that sounds like the telephone used to sound when I was growing up.  Carol has figured out a way to assign specific sounds on her phone to various individuals or groups.  There is a special tone for daughters and grandchildren, another for her Tier One Friends, a separate one for Tier Two Friends and then a muffled splutter for strangers, carpet salesmen, serial killers and me.  I bet you all will want to know whether you’re in Tier One or Tier Two.  Ha, ha!  I’m not telling.  I haven’t had much chance to call my wife lately.  Since Covid arrived, we are seldom more than ten feet apart.  I consider that propinquity as my silver lining amidst the dark cloud of the pandemic.

 

Although we did stay at home alone for Thanksgiving, we made, this week, a bold and terrifying excursion into the frightening world of masks and sanitizers.  Well, we had to.  It was Senior Day at Walgreen’s, and not even a Category 5 hurricane would have stayed my wife from the adventure of replenishing her supply of makeup, or, as she likes to call it, periodic maintenance.   That reminds me that, besides Covid, Carol and I actually experienced a hurricane and a tornado in August.  What a year!  I tried to buy a pair of ruby slippers on Amazon, but they wouldn’t guarantee that, if I clicked the heels together, I would go back to 2019.

 

IN THE NEWS:  An Iranian scientist was assassinated, and Iranians have taken to the streets to burn American and Israeli flags.  I have wondered this before – where in Iran can you buy American or Israeli flags?  Turban Outfitters?  Exploding Toys R Us?  Boomingdales?  Imamazon?  I checked and found the right website where you can buy suicide vests, Great Satan signs and flags to burn.  It’s called Shiite Happens.

 

Weekly Word:  Sartorial means relating to clothing or style of dress, which reminds me that I have to go – I need to take that shirt to the cleaners.  But I’ll be back soon enough to start writing next week’s blog.  Until then, stay well, my friends.  Hold on until that vaccine is available.  And remember to count your blessings.  See you next week.

 

Michael                          Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com