Blog #183

 A few years ago, we learned from the media that eating salmon four times a week would increase your life expectancy.  Around the same time, we learned that sex four times a week would increase your longevity as well.  That’s when our wives came to the conclusion that these two things were interchangeable and that salmon could be the greatest invention since the headache.  “Honey, can we have sex tonight?”  “No, you’re getting salmon.” 

 

Your plans you had best re-examine 

For tonight you’ll have sexual famine

Just settle for fish          

For you won’t get your wish

                             I am not tonight’s dish – it’s the salmon!

 

I believe that’s the first limerick I have ever written (and I’ve written almost 1,300 of them) that uses the triple rhyme at the end (fish-wish-dish).  I liked it.  It gave me a smile, but it doesn’t make up for the bad day I had yesterday.  Every decision I made turned out to be wrong at best and stupid more often than not.    I won’t go into details, but my spirits were low.  I drove by the place where my Low Self-Esteem Support Group meets, but a sign said – Please Use the Back Door.

 

So I went to my wife for support.  “You have other fine qualities,” she said.  I asked her to name one.  “You’re easy.”  I was looking for handsome or talented or maybe even smart.  At the least I deserved efficient.  Hell, even my high school yearbook said I was punctual.  But no, all I got was easy.  She said I was easy to handle.  She makes dinner – I like it.  She makes a reservation – I don’t care where we eat.  She makes a date – whoever, I don’t care.  She cooks salmon – I get the message.  So, from now on you can call me Mr. Easy.  Stupid and Lost and Easy.  What an epitaph:  Here Lies Michael; He Was Easy.

 

Last night, Carol and I had this actual conversation. 

 

M:   Honey, I want to ask you something.  Tell me if I’m wrong.

C:   You’re wrong. 

M:  You’re probably right.

 

And that was the end of the conversation.  My wife would make a great Parole Officer.  She never lets anyone finish a sentence.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  The two rivers are as alike as my fingers are to my fingers, and there are salmon in both (Henry V).  I would love a few bites of salmon right now, but I cannot compare the fingers of one hand with the other because . . . well, you know why.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well, using your masks and reading all my blogs.  Volunteers are still not allowed at the Zoo during the Covid, and my Adult English as a Second Language classes will not be meeting in-person for a while.  I miss both of those activities, but it gives me more time to be with you.

 

Last week, I gave you the results of our straw presidential poll, and, all of a sudden, I began hearing from many readers who are Trump supporters. “I didn’t vote,” they tell me, “because you already knew I was a Trump supporter.”  I do not read minds.  I entertain.  One reader was so outraged that I was apparently entertaining so many liberals, that he unsubscribed.

 

I received 50% more comments last week than the second highest week, the week of my hip surgery.  Can you believe my hip replacement was a year ago?  Tempus does fugit, doesn’t it?  And how do I feel?  Well, I can’t kick.  Actually, my hip is terrific.  Thanks for asking.

 

Have you heard the new crisis controversy of the week?  When an American pharmaceutical company comes up with a Covid vaccine, should the first 300 million doses go to Americans or should it be shared around the world?  Many Americans, I believe, would say we should vaccinate our own people first and share what’s left.  The WHO (World Health Organization) says it should be shared with every country in the world.  That’s to be expected – they are, after all, the World Health Organization.  They’re also the people who just decided that dogs cannot catch the virus and do not need to be quarantined.  That’s right, WHO let the dogs out.  I think we should let every person decide for themselves.  If you want to save yourself, get vaccinated.  If you want to save someone in Tashkent, Timbuktu or Marrakesh – nice knowing you.

 

Those three perhaps unfamiliar names are cities in Uzbekistan, Mali and Morocco.  Are you geographically challenged?  Have you ever headed toward the bathroom and wound up in the kitchen?  Did you think Cleopatra was swimming when they said she was in denial?  Do you know of which state Portland is the capital?

 

Do you use eBay?  I recently sold some stuff on eBay and they gave me, as a promotion, a $50 certificate that I had to spend in three days. Well, what should I buy?  I mean, it’s the World of eBay!!  Every possible item made or conceived or saved or dug up by the human race since the dawn of civilization is on eBay.  I have my choice from vast and unlimited selections of electronics, art, fashion, household items, sporting goods, vacations, automotive, jewelry, collectibles, investments, antiques.  You can buy Twinkies, false teeth, rubber bands, ANYTHING!  So what did Mr. Exciting decide to buy from this unbounded emporium of riches, this cyclopean cornucopia of wonders, this magnificent market of marvels?  A year’s supply of fiber pills.  It is a sad and curious life, isn’t it?  Fiber pills!

 

Alright, let’s wind down.  The Weekly Word is cyclopean which means vast or immense, as was the Cyclops in The Odyssey.  Oh, and Portland is not the capital of any state.  I told you you were geographically challenged.  You should have collected stamps as a kid like I did.  Now I just collect wonderful readers like you.  I expect you back next week.  You don’t even have to read a map to get here.  So stay well, count your blessings and take your fiber pills.

 

Easy                     Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com