Blog #182

 

Yesterday was a bad day.  First, I played golf.  I was horrible.  Second, when I got home the garbage disposal broke.  I don’t know whether it was when I fed the putter into it or the 7-iron.  Oh well, there’s always darts.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  You can’t lose a game if you don’t play the game (Romeo and Juliet).  I think I’d like to play golf, although I’m not sure how I would hold the stick.  They say you can get a birdie.  I would like a birdie.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you are feeling well, staying safe and getting ready for Labor Day which you cannot celebrate because the swimming pools are closed and you can’t eat a bratwurst with your mask on.  Labor Day is a significant day for me because it marks the threshold after which I am not allowed to wear “summer” clothes.  My wife texted me the new rules that will go into effect after Monday:

 

Those tangerine shorts just won’t make it

No white – it’s the law and don’t break it

And if you wear linen

You’re certainly sinnin’

You might as well just go out naked.

 

Wait, does your mask have to match your socks?  I think it does.

 

Wow!  You guys really stepped up to participate in our LOP (Limerick Oyster Poll).  You broke the record for number of comments in a week, and I had fun reading them all.  I am going to present the results in a completely anodyne fashion, eschewing any personal comments other than to say the totals were startling.  The results of the LOP turned out to be very LOP-sided, with Biden garnering 92% of the votes.  Here’s the breakdown:

 

Among Female Readers, Biden won 96% to 4% for Trump.

Among Male Readers, Biden won 87% to 13% for Trump.

And among White Suburban Women who have a loving husband and a three-legged cat named Shakespeare – well, she said it was none of my business.

Our Weekly Word is anodyne, which means deliberately inoffensive.  I promise you I shall now shift right back to being as offensive as always.  I know you like that better.

 

There’s a new trend called sologamy (rhymes with monogamy).  Sologamy is the practice of choosing yourself as a spouse.  That’s right, you’d be married to yourself.  I am very pleased and totally proud to say I don’t get it.  All I know is that if I had told my mother I was getting married to myself, she would have said, “That’s nice, Dear.  At least you’re marrying someone Jewish.”  What kind of gift do you give at a sologamous wedding?  A mirror?  Towels marked Mine and Mine?  Batteries?

 

My oldest daughter, Jennifer recently asked me to read an article by the humorist Dave Barry, so I pulled up the Miami Herald article on-line.  For me, reading an article on-line is like teaching a fish to play canasta.  First, there’s a white box in the upper left corner that says – The Miami Herald would like to track your location, search your house and take your temperature – rectally.  Plus, they want to do something with my cookies.  I hate when people mess with my cookies, so I clicked NO!  Immediately, an ominous black square covered the screen with the question – Would you like to subscribe to the Miami Herald?  The options were not Yes and No.  The options were Yes and Ask Me Later.  I clicked the latter, knowing full well I would have to deal with them for the rest of my lifetime, but at least I finally got to the article.  As I attempted to read, videos popped up in each of the four corners and in the center of the page, all trying at once to sell me everything from cat litter to a subscription to the Kale Recipe of the Month Club.  It was like trying to sleep with four spiders crawling on your face.  And even if you could force yourself to concentrate on the article, every second or two the line you were reading would suddenly jump up or down a few spaces on the page.  Did they actually want me to read this article?  Maybe they just wanted me to have something funny to tell you.

 

All that talk about cookies has made me hungry.  I am a serious cookie monster.  I’m not much for candy.  I don’t eat ice cream.  Donuts are fine.  But cookies --  yummy, especially Oreos.  Of course, we all know that cookies are bad for you.  But they’re so delicious!  An Oreo has two grams of fat and 40 calories.  And that’s just one!  But, of course, nobody could eat just one.  I could never eat just one – or three.  I’m rambling.  But rambling is what you pay me for, isn’t it?  Wait, are you paying me?  I’m rambling again.  Oreos, by the way, are not even close to the most poisonous cookies.  There are cookies you can buy that have more than twice the calories and twice the fat of an Oreo, and they are marketed by a very famous and ubiquitous agency.  And who, you might ask, is this monstrous, malign and maniacal megalith that is proliferating these preposterous, poisonous pastries?  You guessed it – the Girl Scouts.    Sinister?  Yes, but also superb, satisfying and spectacularly scrumptious!  As Oliver Twist remarked, Please, Sir, may I have S’mores?

 

And speaking of delicious treats, the other day, my granddaughter, Charley, a delicious treat herself, gave me and Carol each a Hershey’s kiss.  I ate mine instantly, all 22 calories.  My wife peeled hers, bit off the tip, just the little tip, and threw the rest away.  Who does that?  She barely got one calorie out of it.  It’s like licking a sirloin steak and then throwing it to the dog.  It’s like buying one chocolate-covered raisin.  She has done that too, you know. 

 

But that’s not how I roll.  With me, you get the whole Hershey’s Kiss, the whole steak, the whole bag of chocolate raisins.  Devour each morsel, spit out what you don’t like and come back next week for more.  I’ll be waiting -- me and my cookies.  Stay well, count your blessings (you still have some, I promise) and send me comments.

 

Michael                          Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com