Blog #147

Happy New Year!  Yes, 2020 is upon us, and it looks to be a very political year with impeachment trials and a big Presidential election.  We still don’t know who the Democratic nominee will be, but I have a suggestion for all you Democrats out there.  Forget about the candidates.  Just vote for the area they’re from.  If you like Indiana, vote for Mayor Pete.  If you love Delaware, Biden’s your guy.  If it’s New York you love, vote for Michael Bloomberg.  It makes it pretty simple. 

The hometown should count in this race

So vote for your own favorite place

Liz Warrens’ from Boston

And Beto’s from Austin

And Bernie is from Outer Space.

Do you remember when we all stayed up until midnight to celebrate the New Year?  Then, as we got older, we settled for watching the ball drop on television in New York.  That made it 11:00 here in St. Louis, and we could all get to bed a little earlier.  Now, if we see an eggroll fall off a table in Hong Kong, that’s good enough!  Off to bed.

I have made a New Year’s Resolution.  This year I resolve to do everything my wife tells me, take her everywhere she wants to go, and sit wherever she tells me.  This marks the 53^rd New Year I have made the same resolution.  It saves time.  But I’m not the only one making resolutions.  Here are a few I’ve collected:

·        Bill Clinton:  I resolve never to fly on a pedophile’s airplane.  That was a horrible screw-up!

·        Kevin Spacey:  I resolve never to fly on a pedophile’s airplane.  That was a terrible screw-up!

·        Prince Andrew:  I resolve never to fly on a pedophile’s airplane.  That was a Royal Screw-Up!

·        Nancy Pelosi:  I resolve in 2020 that unless someone slits my throat, I will get Donald Trump kicked out of office.

·        Donald Trump:  I resolve in 2020 to become much better friends with O. J. Simpson.

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling relaxed and ready for 2020.  I spent most of the past week in California.  I flew there last Thursday on Southwest Airlines.  The Flight Attendant read her opening instructions about seat belts and oxygen.  At the end, she said, “The flight attendants will now come down the aisles to make sure your seat belts are fastened and your shoes match your outfit.”  I was worried and slid my feet under the seat in front of me.  When we were thirty minutes into the flight, she said, “Our scheduled arrival is 4:30, but it looks like we will arrive forty minutes early.  These pilots are flying this plane like they stole it.”  She ought to have a blog.

I came here to Sunny, Crazy California to visit my daughter Stephanie and her two kids, and to nurse Stephanie through the recovery from a hip operation which she had Friday.  It seems that, since I had my hip replacement and did so well with it, everybody thinks hip surgery is as simple as finding an anti-Trump cable network.  A friend of mine just had his replaced.  I don’t want to mention his name here, so we’ll just call him Bob.  Well, the day he returned home from the hospital, I talked with Bob and he said he was going upstairs to bed.  I told him the stairs sounded like a bad idea, but, no, he said he could make it.  Ok.  Twenty minutes later, Bob’s wife called and asked if I could come over and help him up the stairs.  Me, a 73- year-old with a pacemaker, a bad knee and trigger finger is supposed to help him get up the stairs.  It’s like the blind leading the blind.  Like Twiggy giving dieting advice to Karen Carpenter.  Like Harvey Weinstein getting legal advice from Bill Cosby.  But, against all odds and predictions, I helped him up the stairs.  Amazing!

California is a real challenge for me.  First of all, every car is electric and you can’t hear them coming.  I almost got run over three times, and that was just in the Lucky’s parking lot.  Lucky’s is their grocery store chain.  It’s strange too.  The produce is on the left.  Everything in California is on the left.  Naturally, I spent more time opening the little cellophane produce bags than I did shopping.  Those little bags were invented by the Marquis de Sade to torture old men by giving them high blood-pressure and angina.  All for an avocado!  I could break into Hillary Clinton’s server easier than one of those little bags.  No wonder the blood-pressure medication is right next to the asparagus.

And nobody speaks English.  I spent 4½ days in California, which means I had been there longer than 60% of its population and was eligible for state welfare. 

But I survived, thanks to SIRI.  If I didn’t have SIRI, I would have wound up in Tijuana by the end of the first day.  Hola, amigos.  Este Gringo es muy stupido.  If Columbus had had SIRI, he would have found India like he planned and America would not have been discovered.  We’d still be living in teepees and voting for Elizabeth Warren.

I’m back home now, writing to you and listening to Rock ‘n Roll.  Last week, I criticized opera once again.  I’m sorry.  I know many of my friends love opera and the symphony, but, as I’ve told you before, I just don’t have the taste for that kind of music.  So now I’m listening to Steely Dan, Dire Straits and Al Green on my Playlist.  Heaven!  Roll over Beethoven and tell Tchaikovsky the news.  To me, and those like me, listening to Rock ‘n Roll is a religious experience. We worship at the Church of Eleanor Rigby.  Let it be, Brothers and Sisters, and have a wonderful New Year.

And as for 2020, I’ll be here all year, telling you to stay well and count your blessings and begging you to come back next week.  But I know you will.  How can you resist me?  Maybe I should make a New Year’s Resolution to be more humble.  See you next week.

Michael                                             Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com