Blog #149

People say that I read a bunch of old and weird books.  I have, after all, read Moby Dick six times.  Paradise Lost by John Milton is certainly old (350 years), but not weird at all.  It is a beautiful allegory about God and Satan, Adam and Eve.  As Satan first comes upon Adam and Eve, he remarks that Adam was made for contemplation and valor, whereas Eve was created for softness and attractiveness.  In other words, men have the brains and the strength, while women are only good for cuddling.  What was Satan thinking?  Hasn’t he heard of Women’s Suffrage and the Women’s Rights Movement and the Me Too Movement?  That’s probably why he was sent to Hell.  Hell is the place where a man goes when he doesn’t respect his wife.  And he doesn’t even have to die to go there.

With that attitude, Satan could never be elected to public office.  Although I bet some of you think he was already elected President.  No, today, to be elected, you must recognize the worth and importance of women and you must embrace diversity.  In our zeal to appease the god of Diversity, every individual has to be placed in a cubbyhole so that we can keep score.  In every cluster, there must be a fair representation of African Americans, Hispanics, Asian Americans, Native Americans, Ethiopian Midgets, Albino Vampires and People Who Have Read Moby Dick Six Times.

Some candidates, however, forget to include what are widely considered today’s reincarnations of Satan himself – White Men.

Diversity needs a correction

You’re missing the whole Midwest section

I think you should ask a

Few guys from Nebraska

Or you’ll never win an election.

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well and in an artsy mood.  I went this week to the St. Louis Art Museum for a show about Rembrandt van Rijn.  No, that last name does not rhyme with pigeon, it rhymes with fine.  I like Rembrandt.  He had a fine (rhymes with Rijn) ability to draw life-like portraits.  An amazing talent.

And speaking of painters, I think the second greatest salesman in history was a painter, Claude Monet.

Yes, I call that one Water Lilies.  I understand your confusion because they don’t look like water lilies and they’re a little fuzzy and made mostly of dots.  But they’re water lilies.  The next one is also water lilies, but on this one I ran out of purple paint, so I made them all pink with a little green.  Here’s another one.  Yes, it’s the same water lilies, but you see, I had just bought some purple paint and wanted to use a lot of it up.  Would you like to buy one?  It’ll be worth a lot of money some day.

I said Claude was the second greatest salesman in history.  The best salesman in history was, of course, Abraham, the crazy, old guy in the Bible who decided to take a long walk in the desert.  When he came back, he had a story to tell.

Hey, everybody, listen up.  Out in the desert I ran into this thing called God.  He promised to take care of us and make us His chosen people, and all we have to do is two things.  First, we have to capitalize His pronouns every time we write Them.  And second, all you guys have to cut off the end of your dipstick.

Now that was a salesman!  And as long as I’m damning myself to the pits of Hades (hey, maybe Satan and I could get up a bridge game), I might as well tell you who was history’s greatest saleswoman.  It was the Virgin Mary.

Hi, Joe.  As you can see, I’m pregnant.  No, it’s not yours, but I swear I did not have sex with any other man.  And, it all depends on what the meaning of the word “is” is.

Joseph, upon hearing this unbelievable story, put his hand to his forehead and moaned, “Jesus Christ.”   Mary decided that sounded like a good name.

ROTTEN OYSTERS:  If you have seen all the other Star Wars movies, then STAR WARS Episode IX is epic.  But if you don’t know a Wookiee from an Ewok or don’t believe that Yoda is the cutest, little green thing since Brussels sprouts, then you will leave the theater with a galactic headache.  I loved it.  Plus, Tyler (my 14-year-old) promised that when he gets his driver’s license, he will pick me up and take me to a movie.  Awww!  Disney says this is the last Star Wars movie, but since they are going to make a billion dollars on this one, I figure another Episode is as sure as the rising of the sun, the falling of the rain and the guilt of O.J. Simpson.  Besides, we already know where the lightsabers are buried. 

ROTTEN OYSTERS:  (Yes, I saw two movies.)  JUST MERCY is a terrific movie.  Stop reading and go see it now.  The story was compelling and the acting was stupendous, especially Jamie Foxx.  Best movie of the year.

IN THE NEWS: (Here’s a news tip I got from a friend of mine.  It’s priceless and completely true.  Thanks, Sue!)

Gwyneth Paltrow has a company called Goop which is selling on-line a Vagina-Scented Candle for $75 each.  It’s already sold out.  I wonder how exactly did Gwyneth get all those candles to smell that way.  Just curious.  Maybe it had something to do with another item on sale at Goop – a Sado-Masochism kit with Do-It-Yourself straps.  Of course this is all true.  Not even Jules Verne could make up something that bizarre.  Maybe we should all keep this in mind the next time Ole Gwyn tells us how to run the world.

Ok, I’m in big trouble now.  I’ve denigrated Satan, Donald Trump, Monet, Abraham, the Virgin Mary, Gwyneth Paltrow and Ethiopian Midgets.  I couldn’t be in more trouble if I had gone to a Trump rally dressed as Barbra Streisand.  I’d better go hide somewhere.  I’ll see you next week if they don’t get me first.  Till then, stay well and count your blessings.  If I insulted you, at least I made you laugh.  And that’s fine (rhymes with Rijn).

Michael                                             Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com