Blog #115
More gas stations, more Burger Kings, more
landfills! What have we done to our
planet? In the sage and prescient lyrics
of Joni Mitchell, we’ve “paved Paradise and put up a parking lot.” The trash on the streets, the casinos, the 32-screen multiplexes! But what can
I do? Can I solve all the pollution and
the greed and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to?
(Shakespeare, not Joni). Surely
not. So, I look out for my family, try
to be honest with my friends and relish the time I have with those I love. (You know who you are.) And I write to you each week. Sometimes you even listen. Hi there and welcome back. I hope you’re feeling strong and healthy
today.
One of those thousand natural shocks is my back. I had some X-rays taken. Can I get a copy to send to my son-in-law? I mean, what’s the point of having a loving
and wonderful radiologist son-in-law if I can’t ask him to drop everything he’s
doing to tend to my problems? The
clinic said no, they could not give copies to anyone but my doctor. But it’s my back! Nope, it’s against the Privacy Act. And I’m paying for it! Nope.
I had two courses of action. I chose the Yosemite Sam chasing Bugs Bunny
with a shotgun course. Are you crazy? Get a grip on freaking reality, people. You cannot deny me a copy of my own medical
records. Can I speak to someone with an
IQ higher than my shoe size? It
worked. I’m not proud, but it
worked. Take that, you flea-bitten wascally wabbit!
A few weeks ago, I told you
I was helping some friends plan a trip to Africa. You can’t just go to Africa like it was
California. Africa is a very dangerous
place and you have to get shots and take pills and the right clothing and
passports. I guess it is like
California! One thing you have to be
very careful about is malaria. One
million people die every year from malaria, and 90% of those are in Africa. So I told my friends to be sure to take their
pills.
This
bottle of pills should take care o’ ya
And
keep you from getting malaria
Cause
one momentito
You
meet a mosquito
And
next momentito they bury ya.
What was God thinking about when He created mosquitos?
They are horrible, disease-infested creatures.
There was a cartoon movie some years ago in which Chris Rock is the
voice of a mosquito. When the movie
ends, Chris is asked what his plans are for the future. I think I’ll become a lawyer, he
says. I’m already a blood-sucking parasite.
All I need is a briefcase.”
ITEM: The countries of
Guatemala, El Salvador and Honduras have officially notified the International
Olympic Committee that they will not be sending teams to the 2020 Tokyo
Olympics. It appears that all the people
in those countries who can run, swim or ride a bike have already made it to California.
ITEM: It has just been learned
that Gokul Venkatachalam and Vanya Shivashankar,
co-winners of the 2015 Scripps National
Spelling Bee, were awarded their victories on the strength of their ability
to spell their own names.
ITEM: In an interview, the
winner of the 2018 Spelling Bee
was asked what contributed to her terrific spelling talent. She replied, “Because my name is so long.” Oh, said the reporter, because you’re from
Sri Lanka and your name has 34 letters? “No,
I’m from China and my name is So Long.”
ITEM: Makers of the Standard Aptitude Test (SAT)
have just announced that the scores high-schoolers make on the arduous exam
will now be accompanied by an Adversity Score which will measure
home and neighborhood conditions which may have affected the student’s
upbringing. Well, so much for Laurie
Loughlin and Felicity Huffman! Now,
instead of bribing the school to take your little angels, the best way to get
them accepted to a good school is to beat the crap out of them and make them
live in a dumpster.
Last Tuesday, we had tornado warnings for most of the
evening. It just so happened that my
three local grandchildren were eating dinner over, and whereas the boys were
fine, Charley, the 11-year-old girl, was petrified. Their parents were at an event, so they were
stuck with us. Charley made me take her
to the underground garage where she climbed into the back seat of my car,
curled up and began sending her mother texts like, I’m never going to see you again. I felt really bad for her, and I hugged
her. She looked up at me and said, “Poppy,
I can’t believe I’m going to die with my hair looking this bad.” She takes after her Nonnie. Her 9-year-old brother immediately said, “Charley,
nobody dies looking beautiful.” He takes after me.
Do you have more than one remote for your
television? Of course you do. So do I, but I want it all in one device. Televisions are supposed to be smart and
simple. Changing channels should not be like deciphering the Human Genome or
solving the Riemann Hypothesis! All I
want is to be able to turn my television on and off with slightly more ease
than it takes to launch an aircraft carrier.
So I called the Dreaded Cable
Company and they sent someone out.
How nice of them. I was actually
expecting them to say they only send help to new customers, not loyal 20-year
customers. But they sent a
highly-trained Doctor of Clicker-ology. He couldn’t do it. Gave up.
That means I still have to use one remote to turn off The View and a different one
just to change the channel.
Last Saturday, we went to a wonderful birthday party
for a woman who has dealt with a disability for all of her 50 years – years
filled with tenderness, warmth and happiness thanks to the incredible love and
dedication of her entire family. The
whole evening was a testimony to love and to family and I found it a joy to be
there. Happy Birthday, Angie.
All right, folks, it’s time to say goodbye. Have a safe Memorial Day. Don’t get sunburned, stay well, count your
blessings, stay away from tornados and come back next week. I promise you we won’t be in Kansas anymore.
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