Blog #114

Have you noticed that anything which is childproof is also senior-proof?  Pill bottles are, of course, the obvious example.  In fact, my doctor told me I didn’t need to go to the gym anymore; just opening the pill bottles was enough exercise. When it got to the point that I was holding the bottle between my knees and squeezing the sides in with my hands while holding a wrench in my teeth – well, I just gave up.  I went to the pharmacist and asked for the Senior Friendly pill bottles.  I apparently was not the first one with such a request, for she knew exactly what I wanted.  Now, thankfully, I can get to my pills easily, but I’m still working on the pickle jar I bought three years ago. 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re all doing well.  There’s so much in the news to talk about., so let’s get started.

ITEM:  Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi last week intimated that Attorney General William Barr and Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin deserved to be in jail but conceded that “if we were arresting all of the people in the administration, we would have an over-crowded jail.”  President Trump reportedly is worried about his own prospects for winding up in prison.

This job has been nothing but grief

They call me a liar and a thief

They think I’m so wrong

That they’re changing my song

And calling it Jail to the Chief.

ITEM:  A recent ad for an elderly-care facility, in attempting to attract new residents, announced that it would be showing the 1959 movie Gidget in the facility’s theater.  It just seems to me that if you’re old enough to remember Gidget, you’re too old to remember Gidget.

ITEM:  Actor Luke Perry, who died last month, was buried in a mushroom suit.  The company who makes the suit describes it as "made up of mushrooms and other microorganisms that together do three things; aid in decomposition, work to neutralize toxins found in the body and transfer nutrients to plant life."  It is my personal opinion that people who believe in mushroom burial suits are full of shiitake.

ITEM:  Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso, the Mexican Minister of Short Names, when asked about President Trump’s proposed border wall, said, “My people find the wall very discouraging, but they’ll get over it.”   (The long name I just used is actually Pablo Picasso’s complete name.)

ITEM:  China’s top trade negotiator, Liu He, met with Treasury Department officials to try to work out a new trade deal.  I think they’ve come up with a solution.  We give them a thousand tons of wheat and they give us two anesthesiologists and an order of Sweet ‘n Sour Pork.

ITEM:  From the USA Today – ONE IN 20 U.S. ADULTS LACK BASIC ENGLISH SKILLS.  It should be “lacks”, not “lack”.

All older men have bad backs.  It’s God’s punishment for our ancestors’ arrogance in thinking they could walk on two legs.  So what do we do?  We get CAT scans and X-rays and MRIs, then we go to Dr. Pain and get a shot.  Simple enough, unless, like me, you have Whiney Baby Reaction (WBR).  There’s actually a medical name for it – vasovagal syncope – but I think Whiney Baby Reaction is sufficiently descriptive.  I can get through normal shots or drawing blood, but for shots in the back the needle is in you for a long time and I am a big, slobbering baby.

They try talking me out of it.  It’s nothing.  It’ll be over in a second.  Doesn’t work!  It’s like teaching a snake to knit.  You can talk all you want and nothing happens, except you annoy the snake.

But I have a method to get through it.  Instead of pretending to be macho and saying “I can handle it” and then winding up curled up in a fetal position on the floor with my thumb in my mouth, I take the opposite strategy.  I tell the doctor that I’m going to faint, call 9-1-1, set up an IV, alert the media, get me a pillow, call my wife – and by the time I finish telling him all that, it’s over.

I have something to say about Medical Marijuana.  I have something to say about most everything, as you’ve learned by now, and, usually, when I start pontificating in the company of others, Carol just says, “Oh that’s just my husband.  Don’t worry about him.”  Just my husband?  That’s what she calls me?  Come to think of it, Just Carol’s Husband makes me a pretty lucky guy.

Here’s the opinion.  We in Missouri will be getting medical marijuana soon.  I’m sure marijuana, cannabis, and hemp in all its forms – oils, brownies, gummies, bongs – has therapeutic benefits.  But why is the pot business so complicated?  For any other medicine, my doctor prescribes and Walgreens delivers.  For Oxycodone, the most dangerous and addictive drug there is, the doctor prescribes and Walgreens delivers.  But not pot.  Only certain doctors, Dr. Pot, can prescribe marijuana and related products, which are available only at special state-regulated dispensaries.  My own Dr. Doctor, who has treated me and taken care of me for decades cannot prescribe it.  It just smells like a money scam to me.  If it’s good for you, make it legal.  If you want to regulate it, let any doctor prescribe it and let Walgreens dispense it.  Okay, that’s it.  I’m sorry if I bored or offended you.  If you want to complain about me, call my wife.  She’s sure to agree with you.

Ok, it’s time for me to get back to my reading, so I’ll leave you.  I'm reading a book about Anti-Gravity and I just can't put it down.  Stay well, count your blessings and stay away from needles.  Oh, and don’t forget - There are three kinds of people, those who understand math and those who don’t.  I hope you’re not one of them.  See you next week.

Just Carol’s Husband                         Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com