Blog #111

Wow!  Can you believe it?  XXXXX had an XXXXX with XXXXX when they were in XXXXX!  But don’t XXXXX XXXXX, or else XXXXX will XXXXX your XXXXX.

Sorry, Carol made me redact that.  She thought it had too much sensitive material.  And this is not the only thing that has been redacted.  (I wonder -- if you can be redacted, can you be dacted first?)  The Mueller Report has been delivered in a redacted version, and it has made the United States House of Representatives about as cheerful as the Gaza Strip.  Aren’t the politicians amusing?  They’re more fun than watching Larry, Moe and Curly.

It’s been ten days since your income taxes were due.  Did you file on time?  Well, you may not have to.  You see, during times where natural disasters like flooding have occurred, the IRS provides for extended deadlines to file your returns and submit your payments.  Aren’t they just warm and fuzzy?  They’ve even provided a PIL, a Public Interest Limerick, to make sure the public is informed.

If you live near rivers or creeks

Don’t pay what the IRS seeks

Since you had a flood

We won’t suck your blood

At least for another few weeks.

See?  Warm and fuzzy!  Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you are feeling fine and getting ready for warmer weather.  I actually am feeling somewhat concerned about my future.  I have led a reasonably predictable life, but that predictability was shaken last night when I ordered in Chinese food.  The Egg Fu Yung was wonderful, but when I opened the fortune cookie, I was horrified.  It was empty!  Empty!  That’s ominous, isn’t it?  No fortune?  No future?  No more me?  It has made me as nervous as Donald Trump’s food-taster.  At least there was a cookie.

The mention of Chinese food reminded me of my English class this week.  I had a Buddhist from Japan, a Buddhist from Taiwan, an atheist from China and a Christian from Brazil.  The talk got around to Easter celebrations and Passover and they asked me a lot of questions about Jewish customs and food.  Jade from Taiwan asked me why Jews have a religious custom requiring them to visit a Chinese restaurant on Christmas Eve.  My answer had two parts:

1.     All the restaurants owned by Christians are closed on Christmas Eve.

2.     Jewish women do not cook on Christmas Eve, New Year’s Eve, Halloween, Valentine’s Day, Tibetan Yak Appreciation Day, Mardi Gras, Election Day, Super Bowl, The Academy Awards, any Barbra Streisand Farewell Concert, Saturdays and the night before they go on a trip.

The day after I found out I had no fortune, I received an email which read: We are writing to know if it's true that you are DEAD?   Waiting for your immediate response.  True!  Now this was all concerning the $7.3 million waiting in a Nigerian account for dispersal to me upon my verifying that I was still alive by sending them a whole bunch of personal information.  I chose to respond instead with the Mark Twain quote, “The report of my death was an exaggeration,” but promised that if they sent the money now, I would not spend any of it until after my death.  I am awaiting their immediate response.

Grandchild #1 (Zachary) is graduating high school this year and visiting colleges.  Students, parents, even old grandpas are very sensitive about what college to choose.  “A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D. or Ph.D.  Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.”  You know who said that?  Fats Domino!  Yes, the same Fats Domino who gave us other pithy and intellectual sayings like “Goodbye, Joe, me gotta go, me oh my oh” and “Eeny-meeny and miney-mo told me you didn't want me 'round no more.”  You can always trust Fats.

I’m down in NC visiting my Zachary, and he’s sporting the Five O’clock Shadow look. He told me he didn’t like the beard at first, but then it grew on him. (Sorry!)  I like the look.  It’s cool and rugged!  Carol liked it too and told me I should try it.  “You think it would look good on me?” I inquired.  No, she said, but it might hide some of those wrinkles.  I guess that wasn’t a compliment.

Let’s see if I remember that old joke about the woman who looks in the mirror and says to her husband, “Ugh! My face looks saggy, I’m fat and my hair is turning gray.  Honey, I really need a compliment right now.”  Her husband replies, “My Darling, you have magnificent eyesight.”

I hate shaving, so I’d actually like to do the five o’clock shadow look.  But for me to get a five o’clock shadow, I’d have to start at three o’clock – nine days before!

You know, I’ve been thinking more about that empty fortune cookie.  It really has me upset.  I’ve come up with an alternate explanation.  Maybe the guy who makes the cookies stole my fortune.  Good!  Let him limp around and get insulted by his wife.

Did you know that today is National Hug a Plumber Day?  That's another day Jewish women don't cook.  So first read my blog, then go out and find a guy with a big hose.  Wait, that didn’t sound right, did it?  Change that to “a guy with a big wrench”.  I probably should have been more sensitive to the Women’s Rights Movement and realized that there are lady plumbers as well.  Remember Josephine?  If you’re unable to find a plumber, just wait until tomorrow which is National Hairball Awareness Day.  Believe me, I’m not making these up.  Who could make up National Hairball Awareness Day?  Well, somebody did, and it is always the last Friday in April.  So try to remember.  Your cat will love you for it, and your plumber too.

Well, Cowboys and Cowgirls, the sheep are restless and the coyotes are howling, so I’d best get up on the mountain.  Stay well, count your blessings and come back to me next week.  I may have too many wrinkles and no fortune, but I’ll be back with some more to say.  

XXXXXXX                    Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com