Blog #109

Wednesday is my day to work at the Zoo.  But when I got up, the temperature was in the high 40s, my stomach was a little gurgly and my leg was killing me.  So I went.  I drove down there, put on my little Girl Scout sash that identifies me as a Zoo Ambassador and took my station at the South Entrance, ready to hand out maps and answer any and all questions.  Where’s the bathroom?  Where’s the tiger?  What time is the sea lion show?  But not this time.  You see, the Zoo has a new attraction this year and everybody was eager to try it, so the most-asked question was:  Where’s the Starbucks?  We have eight adorable one-year-old cheetah cubs at the Zoo.  The nearest cheetah is 8,500 miles.  The nearest Starbucks is – well, down the block.  But that’s what the tourists wanted.  There’s no accounting for taste.

There’s nothing that I want to see

No elephant; no chimpanzee

I don’t need a potty

I just want a latte.

For animals, I’ll watch TV.

Did you know that the Starbucks chain is named after a character in Moby Dick?  Starbuck was the First Mate on the Pequod.  I, of course, know that, being the only warm-blooded idiot ever to have read the book seven times.  Did you know that Howard Schultz, the founder of Starbucks, is running for President?  His slogan is

A trenta vanilla sweet cream cold brew with two pumps of vanilla, three pumps of caramel syrup, two pumps of pumpkin sauce, three pumps of maple pecan syrup, and five shots of espresso – in every pot.

The espresso is to make sure you stay awake long enough to watch yourself die of sugar poisoning.

Hi there and welcome back.  Are you feeling well?  I hope so.  I, personally, am confused.  I just can’t seem to get all the gender-neutral words straight.   No more can I say Congressman – now it’s Member of Congress.  And Fireman is Fire Fighter and Mailman is Letter Carrier and Policeman is Police Officer.  But what about Human?  Are we now the Hu-Person Species?  And is the Boogeyman now a BoogeyPerson?  And whatever will become of Mermaid?  I guess that will become Slimy Hu-Person With No Feet.  I just got a text from my son-in-law.  It said, “I just hired a Ger-Person wo-person to person-age my portfolio.”  What a politically correct son-in-law!  Excuse me, child-in-law.

And what about the things we use.  We call our boats “she and her”, but the Russians call their boats “he and him”.  That is, when they’re not colluding with every Republican over the age of eleven!  And now there’s a disagreement about what gender we should use for our computers.  Men say computers are feminine because no-one but their creator can figure out how their brains work.  But women say computers are male because the damn things won’t work unless you first turn them on.

It’s impossible nowadays to keep up with the Acceptable Speech Police.  I have two lovable and adorable grandchildren in California.  Being from California makes them extra-sensitive to every social issue.  They like bedtime stories, but it’s hard to find one that passes the test.

Poppy’s going to tell you a story about Hansel and Gretel.

No, Poppy, that one’s all about income inequality. Hansel and Gretel’s parents were too poor to even feed their children, whom they had actually wanted to abort but the laws were too repressive.  And besides, eating all that sugar causes hypertension.

Ok, how about Jack and the Beanstalk?  Once upon a time . . .

Stop, Poppy, that’s no good.  Those beans were genetically engineered and probably treated with Roundup.  And besides, the story is anti-giant.  Obvious discrimination.

How about Little Black Sambo?

Racist!

Cinderella?

Sexist!

Snow White?

Dwarf discrimination and Snow White privilege.

How about the one where Uncle Joe says “Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum – I sniff the hair of everyone!”

Too scary!

How about Aunt Becky Bribes the Crew Coach?

Too hard to understand.

How about The Big Orange-Haired Twitter Monster Who Stole The Avocados?

They liked that one and kept chanting, “Lock him up!”  Like I said, they’re from California.

Are you done with basketball?  Did your bracket win?  Did your grid payoff?  Did your team triumph?  Did you even have a team?  I watched so many basketball games that I couldn’t get from the TV to the bathroom without dribbling.  And now that that’s over, it’s time for the Hockey Playoffs where every team who can afford uniforms is eligible to play 228 games of playoff hockey, all on television, just so they can win a cup named after somebody named Stanley.

Then there’s the Lady Byng Trophy,  awarded to the “ hockey player adjudged to have exhibited the best type of sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct”.  Have you ever watched a Hockey Game?  The guy who sells popcorn doesn’t even exhibit gentlemanly conduct.  The ticket-taker will cross-check you if you don’t move fast enough and each player has a Go-Fund-Me page to pay for his stitches.  Hockey is like watching 12 Kardashians fighting over one TV camera!  Hockey is like watching a gaggle of Hollywood actresses fighting over bribing a soccer coach.  The only thing rougher and less “gentlemanly” than hockey is the Democratic race for the nomination.

While my six and seven-year-old Kalifornia Kids were visiting, after I told them all those great stories, we took in a bunch of the local attractions.  We went to the St. Louis Zoo, the most popular zoo in the world.  We went to the St. Louis Arch, the Science Center and the Planetarium, all world-class destinations.  And do you know what the total cost of all four attractions was (not counting food)?  Zero, zip, nada.  Isn’t that amazing?  You should visit St. Louis.  But don’t ask me to pick you up at the airport.  I’m busy that day.

But I’m not too busy to write another blog for you next week.  Maybe I’ll tell you the story about Aladdin and the Magic Tramp, where a poor boy named Aladdin finds a bikini-clad woman named Stormy Daniels, rubs her and out pops Michael Avenatti.  You don’t want to miss that!  Until then, stay well and count your blessings.

Michael                          Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com