Blog #108
About twice a month, Carol
goes out to dinner with the “Goils”. At least that’s what she tells me. Who knows?
She could be working an act with Stormy Daniels. Or letting Joe Biden sniff her hair. Or beating up Jussie Smollett. Maybe she’s colluding with the Russians! How would I know? So that leaves me at home, lonely as a
mermaid’s podiatrist. Except, sometimes,
it’s nice to be alone in the house, so when she is out, surreptitiously
pursuing her nefarious activities, I order Chicken Egg Foo Yung. No, that’s not a hit-man from the Taiwanese
Mafia; that’s my dinner. I pick it up,
bring it home and enjoy a quiet dinner with no television or music. When she comes home, she kisses me
hello. I like that, but lately I’ve
begun to smell borsht and caviar on her breath.
Maybe she’s running for
President. If she were President, I
guarantee no Congressman would have a closet.
If she were President, the morning briefing would be about whether
there’s a chance of rain. If she were
President, she’d get chauffeured everywhere and dropped off right at the front
door. Come to think of it, she doesn’t
have to run; she gets all that now.
But why shouldn’t she
run? Everybody else is! I think the Democratic Party has more
candidates than they had Electoral Votes in the last election. And you know what it all makes me think
of? Rock
‘n Roll! If you like my
occasional Rock ‘n Roll quiz, here’s another.
If you don’t, skip down to the “count your blessings” part. Name the songs that include these political
lyrics:
1. It ain’t me. It
ain’t me. I’m no Senator’s son
2. I called my Congressman and he said, quote – “I’d like
to help you, Son, but you’re too young to vote.
3. In Birmingham they love the Governor.
4. To voice their discontent unto the President about the
burning question what has swept this continent.
5. Sheriff John Brown always hated me.
Hi there and welcome
back. I hope you’re feeling well. I had a physical this week. Everything is fine, but they gave me a blood
test. I hate needles. I hate needles worse than Mika Brzezinski
hates Rush Limbaugh. Later that same day,
I got a shingles shot at my local pharmacy. Another needle, another hole
punched in my body. I felt like Fearless
Fosdick.
Now, I know some of you may
be too young or perhaps too forgetful to remember Fearless Fosdick, but
when I thought of punching holes into my body, that’s the image that came to
me. Look it up on Google. No?
Too lazy? Ok, I’ll put a picture
of him at the bottom. Geesh, do I have
to do everything? I guess I do, but
coming up with subjects to write about is made easier by the wacky world we
live in. All I have to do is look at the
news.
In The News: The President
is threatening to close the southern border to discourage the influx of illegal
immigrants. I watched Lester Holt on NBC
News. Were they worried about the
100,000 illegal immigrants sneaking into this country each month? Were they worried about the potential
increase in drug smuggling, crime and disease?
Were they worried about the economic burden of a million impoverished
people flooding the country each year?
Nope, all they talked about was that if Trump closed the border, we
wouldn’t be able to get avocados and lemons and limes. They even showed a Happy Hour party with
guacamole and Margaritas. Are you
kidding me? Avocados and limes? That’s the crisis that’s worrying NBC?
Now Trump’s new Executive Order
Is closing the Mexican border
And that means hard times
Because without limes
Our Happy Hours soon will be shorter.
I have a political proposal
to strengthen our Immigration Policy. I
think we should deport all Members of Congress to Venezuela. They can’t screw up that country any worse
than it already is, and it will certainly make our lives better.
In The News: Usain Bolt’s
world record for the 100-meter dash has been shattered. Michael Avenatti saw a TV camera 100 meters
away and got there in nine seconds flat.
In The News: It
appears that our country is lurching toward making marijuana legal
everywhere. Which means it won’t be long
until all drugs will be legalized. Soon,
mothers will be feeding their toddlers a well-balanced breakfast consisting of Cocaine
Puffs, and Pot-Tarts, while on the television, loopy little cartoon
creatures named Smack, Crack and Pot will stagger around the screen encouraging
you to buy their – well, they forgot.
Lunch will be Corned
Beef Hashish with a Diet Cocaine. And for dessert – a Pineapple Upper-Side-Downer Cake.
In The News: NASA was
forced to cancel a planned two-woman space walk because they had only one
spacesuit that would fit a woman. Well,
if that isn’t a slap at the Women’s Rights Movement! Shame on NASA. But I sense an opportunity and am looking
into starting a line of spacesuits specifically for women. We’ll call it Kate Space or Fruit
of the Moon or something.
In The News: The U.S.
Women’s Chess Championship recently concluded in St. Louis. Chess is a game of brains. I understand that men are generally larger
and stronger than women and gender-specific sporting competitions are
appropriate. But do women need a special
event because they cannot compete with men in the brain department? There’s no special Women’s Jeopardy or
Women’s Bridge Championship or even a women’s-only space station. So why a separate Women’s Chess Championship? I guess I’ll just add that to my growing list
of things I don’t understand, like why an audience would give Stevie Wonder a
standing ovation.
These are the answers:
1. Fortunate Son - Credence Clearwater Revival (1969)
2. Summertime Blues – Eddie Cochran (1958)
3. Sweet Home Alabama-Lynyrd Skynyrd (1973)
4. Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavour-Lonnie Donegan
(1959)
5. I Shot the Sheriff-Bob Marley (1973), Eric Clapton
(1974)
And this is the end. Sorry if there were too many puns in this
edition. I just felt punny, I
guess. Stay well, count your blessings
and don’t forget me when next Thursday comes around. With the way things are going in this
country, you’ll need a laugh. See you
then.
No comments:
Post a Comment