Blog # 378                               June 6, 2024

 

I complain about the weather a lot, and I should.  Spring in St. Louis is always blustery and as wet as Esther Williams.  But last Wednesday was the best weather day of the decade.  Blue sky, 75^o, calm.  And lucky me, I was volunteering at the Zoo, handing out maps and answering questions – where’s the bathroom, where’s the Starbucks, how do you tell the female camel from the male camel?  A wonderful day.  My favorite spot at the South Entrance was manned by another volunteer, so I went to my second-favorite spot near the Galapagos tortoises.  Opposite the tortoises is a kiosk that sells stuffed animals.  Well, we have to make money somehow; admission to the Zoo is free.  The stand had hundreds of stuffed animals, large and small, pink and brown, smiley and growly, and a big sign that read THE LINE STARTS HERE. In the two hours I stood there, not one customer even stopped to look at the little animals, let alone buy one, but the big sign was there to direct traffic if it ever materialized.  I was ready.  I waited and waited and finally – it happened.  Someone asked me where the big cats were.  We have the lions and tigers and leopards and jaguars in an area we call Big Cat Country, a long walk from where we stood.  When the woman asked me for directions to Big Cat Country, I pointed to the sign and said, “Well, the lion starts here.”  She looked at the sign and gave me a big chuckle.  I liked it.  And how do you tell the male camel from the female camel?  It’s easy -- the female has bigger closets.

 

Around noon, a very strange thing happened at the Zoo:

 

From nowhere, a strapping male deer

Came running but said, “Do not fear

“I won’t run you down

“I’ll just lie on the ground

I’m tired and the buck will stop here.”

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you are feeling well.  Of course, that buck thing did not happen, but I thought it was a good limerick.  And don’t tell me you don’t know who Esther Williams is.  You must be younger than I thought.

 

I have a question for you.  How do you turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed?  Simple, just forget your wife’s anniversary.  Well, I haven’t.  This week will mark Carol’s and my 57^th Wedding Anniversary.  Fifty-seven years with my beautiful wife!  Fifty-seven years and we’re still talking.  Mostly, my talking consists of Yes, Dear and I’m sorry, but it works.  Plus, that’s why, when I come to talk to you, I have so many words left over.  I remember those early years when we would watch programs like Father Knows Best and Leave It to Beaver and I Love Lucy.  Now we get in bed and watch the nightly Loot ‘n Shoot of crime news and protestors – Palestinians, Israelis, Trump haters, Trump lovers.  There are even new programs on Netflix like The Price Is Riot and Have Palestinian Flag – Will Travel.  In those good old, old days, when the nightly shows were over, we’d get a test pattern.  Now we get a Pro-test Pattern.  I must honestly admit that between the politics and the antisemitism and the price of groceries, my mental health is teetering.  It’s probably not hard for you to tell. 

 

And when all the news is over, we go to sleep.  I close my eyes and hope to open them at 7:30 the next morning, refreshed and eager for a better day.  But that beatific outcome never happens.  First of all, I get up two or three times and head for the bathroom.  Then there are the two or three other times when a furry feline jumps on the bed to announce that he’s not asleep and doesn’t understand why anyone else should be.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  Macbeth doth murder sleep (Macbeth).  I’m nocturnal.  I sleep in the daytime and want to play at night.  Pops needs to learn to do it my way.  C’mon, Pops, get up and play with me.  And what’s with the doth word that stupid poet uses all the time?  Do you use it?  I certainly dothn’t.  Purr.

 

Our Weekly Word is beatific, which means blissfully happy.  I wonder, what do people think about when they’re lying awake with a cat on their chest and no prospect of imminent sleep?  Do they wonder what it would have been like to have had a beatific life like Brad Pitt or Taylor Swift?  I actually can’t think of anyone luckier than me.  I’m not sure I could dream of a better life.  I’ve had a wonderful companion for 57 years, three glorious daughters and eight magnificent grandchildren.  What more could Brad Pitt have? Except maybe Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Jolie.  Only teasing. 

 

Fifty-seven years!  You know my famous line:  Our marriage has been successful because we have the same goal in life – to keep her happy.  And it’s true.  We don’t like the same politics or the same television or the same books, but we do like to be together and we both like Chinese food.  Do you like Chinese food?  We had Chinese take-out one night last week.  It was yummy – orange chicken, egg roll, fortune cookie.  My fortune read YOU ARE MARRIED TO A WONDERFUL PERSON.  Carol’s fortune read YOUR HUSBAND IS MARRIED TO A WONDERFUL PERSON.  Those Chinese are pretty smart.

 

And you’re pretty smart too because you come back here every week to see how much trouble I can get into.  So tell me, on a scale from one to ten, how much trouble do you think I’m in?  One to ten, where “1” stands for everyone loves my blog and “10” stands for I’m sharing a cell with Donald Trump.  Hey, some of it’s good and some bad.  As the comedian Steven Wright said, “If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.”  So stay well, count your blessings and grab your umbrella -- I’ll be back next week.

 

Carol just objected to my writing so many nice, loving things about her, so I had to take some out.  Happy Anniversary, Bitch!  Oh-oh, now I’m really in trouble.  See you next week . . . if she lets me.

 

Michael                                             Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com