Blog #342                                September 28, 2023

 

Let’s start this edition with an apology.  Last week, I mentioned the story of the fugitive murderer in Pennsylvania being at-large for two weeks.  I used the story to make fun of the police for not being able to find him, and I have been roundly chastised by a few readers.  I agree with them.  I regret saying anything to denigrate the police in any way.  My wife didn’t like that paragraph from the beginning.  You should always listen to your wife!  My bad, Blue!  Let’s move on.

 

Happy New Year to all my Jewish friends.  We did not go to the Kol Nidre services on Sunday night because of Covid, but Carol tried to stream it and put it on the television.  She tried for 15 seconds and gave up.  It’s not letting me do it, she mewled.  So I called my daughter, who walked me through it.  Piece of cake.  You see, I have the patience of Job (a little Bible-ness there) and Carol has the patience of an ice cube in a microwave.  Now we are listening to the mellifluous strains of Kol Nidre, and enjoying it. 

 

Mellifluous, a fine Weekly Word, means having a smooth, rich flow; smooth and sweet.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  There is nothing in the world so much like prayer as music is.  I liked the music.  Does that mean I’m Jewish?  Maybe, when they cut off my leg and my balls, they circumcised me too.  I think Pops has changed my name to Katz.  Purr.

 

While Carol was cooking for the Jewish holidays, I heard her call my name from three rooms away, “Michael, I saved a cookie for you.  It was broken.”  That’s really all I’m worth, apparently – the broken cookies, the fatty pieces of brisket and the undersized matzoh balls.  The streetable food, the good-looking food, is saved for the guests, and I’m stuck with the broken cookies and undersized balls.  Don’t you dare make a joke!  That’s my job.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well.  Do you remember the game MONOPOLY?  Now Hasbro has released Ms. MONOPOLY where women players get $240 for passing Go while men players only get $200 and where, instead of buying real estate, players buy chocolate-chip cookies.  I promise you, I have not made this up.  The concept has annoyed me a little, so I have decided to create some male-oriented board games.

 

Games for Guys:  While the girls are playing SORRY! the guys are playing Oh my God, Honey, I’m So SORRY! where the men have to spend an entire week circling the board because they didn’t notice their wives’ new haircut.

 

In the northern part of St. Louis County is the City of Ferguson.  That’s right, the Michael Moore Ferguson.  I just saw the Ferguson Mayor celebrating an innovative solution to the car theft that is rampant everywhere.  Ferguson has had over 150 car thefts this year, mostly Hyundais and Kias.  His solution is to partner with Hyundai to install new software in their cars.  There it is – problem solved.  That’s how a society should work, crows the Mayor.  He is very proud.  He is also wrong, totally wrong, profoundly wrong, infuriatingly wrong.

 

I have a Kia.  It’s not my fault or Kia’s fault that the car is easy to steal.  Am I to blame that my car gets stolen?  Is the jewelry store to blame because its merchandise is expensive?  Is it the girl’s fault for getting sexually abused because she wears a short skirt.  The authorities nowadays want to surrender to the criminals.  Let’s make marijuana legal, they say; let’s make mass shoplifting and retail theft unpunishable.  Let’s make car theft the car owner’s fault.  Hands up – don’t steal my car!

 

Games for Guys:  While the girls are playing CANDY LAND, the men are playing BEER BELLY, comparing how far forward they have to lean before they can see their shoes.

 

I have found a new place to exercise – the grocery store.  I call the distance from bananas to milk and back to bananas one Fruit Loop.  You know, like a Light Year or a Nautical Mile?  I can do a few Fruit Loops, and it takes my mind off the soaring food prices.  I think the Biden Administration has found a way to stop illegal immigration.  They have made it so expensive to live in the United States that no-one will want to come here anymore!

 

Besides, it’s getting harder and harder to figure out which product to buy.  There’s low-fat-no-carbs, lotsa-fat-no-sugar, fat-free-extra-protein, gluten-free-extra carbs.  And that’s just the laundry detergent!

 

Games for Guys:  While the girls are playing Dungeons and Dragons, the men are playing Headaches and Heartaches, trying to avoid penalty cards like:  Sorry, your wife has a headache.  Go directly to Sleep, do not even get close to GO.

 

Carol and I went to a chucker this week.  A chucker is the 7½ minute interval in a polo match.  Some matches have four chuckers and some have six.  The polo match was part of a charity event, the Old Newsboys Pony Up for Kids Charity Polo Match which benefits nearly 100 local children’s charities.  It was quite a lot of fun.  And no, I am not going to write a limerick about the polo.  I’m in enough trouble, I don’t need to write a poem rhyming with chucker.

 

But I will write one about the Zoo.  This week, Carol and I also attended a party at the Zoo for the volunteers.  It was lovely, but as we strode around the grounds, there were no animals to be seen.  I told her that in the evening, the animals go to bed early.

 

Sometimes, when you’re visiting zoos

There aren’t any animal views.

The bears are asleep

And the wolf’s counting sheep

And the lion is watching the gnus.

 

Games for Guys:  While the girls are playing CLUE, the men can play CLUELESS, a mystery game where the men try to decide what belt to wear with a pink shirt.

 

I should stop now.  I’m not sure how much more trouble I can get into in one week, but I feel like I’m on the edge.  Stay well, count your blessings and be sure to come visit next week.  Where else can you get this kind of stuff?

 

Colonel Mustard                                Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com.