Blog #338                                August 31, 2023

 

Did you watch the Republican Presidential Debate last week?  I did, and I think they should have named it Dancing With The Conservatives.  There was Mike Pence doing the Square Dance, Chris Christie doing the Belly Dance and Nikki Haley doing the Diversity Disco (female, person of color, Asian American).  Ron DeSantis did the Can-Can (Trump says no you can’t-can’t).  Tim Scott danced the I Wanna Be the VP Polka while Trump was relaxing at home doing the Cakewalk and practicing the Jailbird Jitterbug. 

 

The whole debate reminded me of a bucketful of crabs.  If you put one crab in a bucket, it will climb out easily.  But put 8 or 9 crabs in the bucket and the frenzy of each crab climbing over the other crabs and pulling them down will guarantee that none escapes.  If they worked together, they would all survive, but their selfishness and greed ensure they will all perish.  So much for crabs and politicians.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling chipper today and not gloomy.  It’s so much easier to be gloomy than it is to be cheerful, isn’t it?  I mean, just look around.  The world out there is full of semi-automatic weapons, opioids, car-jackers, hurricanes, wild fires, flooding and politicians.  As Cicero said, “O tempora, o mores,” which is Latin for, “Man, this world has gone to shit!”

 

But hey, get over the gloominess and count your blessings.  (I’ve heard that somewhere.)  Look what you’ve got!  You live in America*, you’ve got people who love you and you get Limerick Oyster every week to lift your spirits and tickle your brain.  Cheer up, let’s see what we can tickle you with today.

 

*Technically, not all of you live in the United States.  Kitty lives in Mexico.  Hola, Kitty.

 

Do you belong to Costco?  What do you buy there?  I went there to buy Cheerios, but the smallest box they had would feed the Turkish Army for a month.  Then I went for some peanut butter, but each jar was the size of Danny DeVito and I had to buy two of them.  And, by the way, I didn’t think the prices were so great.  Plus, I have to pay $60 just for the privilege of shopping for the oversized, overpriced stuff that you’ll never finish and which they won’t put in a bag for you.  What am I missing?  I guess if you have a family of 90 and you bring them all with you to schlep the hippo-sized packages out to your pickup – well, perhaps it makes sense.  But if you’re just two old people who do not want to buy an apple pie the size of Lake Erie, I don’t get it.

 

But we did get some free samples of bread and candy.  My daughter used to belong to Costco and I would go with her on Saturdays.  She would shop while I packed the three little kids, all under 10-years-old, into one shopping cart and piloted them from one sample-food table to another.  They would taste everything – pizza, ice-cream, cookies -- then direct me back for seconds and thirds to the stuff they liked.  Oreos were their favorite, although their Mom would restrict the number of free Oreos they could get:

 

Those cookies are certainly yummy

But children, you listen to Mummy

You kids just say “no”

To O-R-E-O

They’ll make you too fat in the tummy.

 

It was all great fun, lots of free food and my daughter got to do her shopping alone.  Plus, I got to eat all the Oreos.

 

I just read that the Americans with Disabilities Act regulations state that dogs are the only species permitted to be service animals, with the possible exception of miniature horses. As with their canine counterparts, miniature horses must be individually trained to perform a specific task for a person with a disability.

 

If you’re in dread, choose Mr. Ed.

If you’re feeling sicka, ride your friend Flicka.

If you’ve got the flu, get Seattle Slew.

If you’re manic-depressive, get High-Low Silver.

If you have knuckle pain, choose Trigger Finger.

 

The whole thing started when a man and his miniature horse encountered a slightly blind flight attendant. The horse was making snuffling noises and the attendant, who thought the snuffling creature was the man’s son, asked if the boy had a cold.  “No,” said the man, “he’s just a little horse.”

 

Message from Shakespeare:  A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse (Richard III).  Horses for pets?  Too big, too smelly, eat too much!  Plus, even dogs aren’t stupid enough to let people ride on them.  Cats are the perfect service animals.  I can make Pops smile, make him coo, even make him bleed if I have to.  Purr.

 

Hey, don’t forget next Monday is Labor Day, the day we all get together and gorge on hotdogs and hamburgers, causing the people who work to work even harder to raise and slaughter animals and prepare and package the meats we shouldn’t eat at our age anyway. 

 

Pretty soon, we’ll have the choice of eating synthetic meat.  Synthetic meat, which has recently been approved for sale by the FDA, is grown in a laboratory from the stem cells taken from the actual animals.  Sounds yummy!  They already have brand names ready to go.  Look for these in your supermarket:

 

          Sham Lamb          Fake Steak

          Bogus Burgers     Fictitious Dishes

          Phony Baloney     Pseudo Food-O

 

Maybe next Labor Day, instead of hamburgers and hot dogs, we’ll be eating Shamburgers and Not-Dogs.

 

Ok, enough inanity.  Let’s get to something serious, like the definition of the Weekly Word.  Inanity means lack of sense, significance, or ideas; silliness.  Describes me perfectly.  But as silly as today’s edition was, if I tickled your brain just a little and made you giggle even once, well, that’s one extra smile you had today.  I feel privileged to have caused it.  I’ll try to tickle you again next week.  So stay well, count your blessings and enjoy your Not-Dogs.

 

I just realized I haven’t mentioned Carol even once.  Hi, Honey.

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com

 

News Insert:  On Monday, my 18-year-old North Carolina granddaughter, a first-year student at the University of North Carolina was confined in her classroom for three hours as an active shooter roamed the campus after killing a teacher.  This is horrifying.