Blog #337                                August 24, 2023

 

This week I received a piece of mail from my health insurance company.  In it was a Multi-Language Insert describing the message in the following languages (this is true):

 

English                 Spanish                 Chinese Mandarin           Japanese     

Tagalog                 French                  Vietnamese                     German

Korean                  Russian                 Arabic                            Hindi

Italian                   Portuguese            French Creole                 Polish

Chinese Cantonese

 

Believe it or not, when I was teaching English as a Second Language a few years ago, I could say hello in almost all of those languages.   So hola, bonjour, ciao, namaste, ni hau, konnichiwa, shalom, aloha, hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well.  Did you know that the United States does not have an official language?  Why is that, I wonder?  Maybe we have a sense of national guilt and don’t want to impose the English language on everyone else.  But I don’t know why we should have a sense of national guilt just because we killed all the Native Americans, held millions of Africans in slavery and enjoyed the Bill Cosby show.

 

Last Sunday, I pulled out a pair of golf shorts, and, as I slid into them, out fell a white sock, a tan sock and a brown sock.  So that’s where they go!  I decided to check the rest of my shorts.  I found five more single socks, a tablecloth and a small Jamaican woman who had come to clean our house a few years ago.

 

That might have been a little lie.  Do you lie?  Do you lie all the time?  Have you ever lied?  You’re lying!  But a small lie once in a while can be a good thing.

 

You look marvelous!

I like your hair.

Yes, Sweetheart, Santa Claus knows what you want.

Read my lips, no new taxes.

Fat?  You’re not fat.

I have not had sexual relations with that woman.

 

Yes, sometimes a little lie hurts less than the truth.  But I really do like your hair.  By the way, Tagalog is the language spoken in the Philippines, and, as Edith Ann (Lily Tomlin) would say, “that’s the truth”.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  You told a lie, an odious lie; upon my soul, a lie, a wicked lie. (Othello).  The only lie I tell my Pops is that I like playing ping-pong with him.  He rolls the ball down the hall, I chase it, he walks to the other end of the hall and throws it again, I chase it.  I hate the stupid game, but it gives him a lot of exercise and that’s good for his health.  Just a little lie because I care.  Purr.  Oh, and I might as well do the Weekly Word.  How about odious, which means extremely unpleasant and repulsive.  Like dogs.

 

I take either 9 or 10 or 11 pills in the morning depending upon the day of the week, the wind-chill factor and the Signs of the Zodiac.  At night, I take another half-dozen or so.  And all that requires a lot of water.

 

My pills, there’s too many to mention

Just to give me an ounce of prevention

To swallow them though

Takes so much H₂O

That I suffer from water retention.

 

At our age, we have to do everything we can to stay healthy, and in that spirit, I decided to try an Impossible Burger.  It was on my bucket list, along with kissing a zebra and finding a day when Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was quiet.  So I dropped into Burger King and tried one.  You know, once you put it on a bun and cover it with ketchup, pickles, lettuce and tomatoes – it doesn’t taste that much different from their Cow Burger.  Of course, their Cow Burgers aren’t exactly winning any Michelin Stars.  The only Michelin reference you would get at Burger King is that if you eat there enough, you’ll begin to look like the Michelin Man.  A little round, a little spongy. 

 

I’ve met a few celebrities over the years.  I’m not easily star struck and would not go out of my way to see anyone famous, and don’t really care who they are marrying, divorcing or sexually molesting.  I’ve never asked anyone for an autograph.  On the other hand, if I’m near someone I recognize, I have no fear of starting up a conversation.  I mean, they’re no different from me really.  They probably have socks in their golf shorts too.

 

I’ve talked with Stan Musial, William Shatner, Jackie Mason, Matt Lauer, Donald Trump (yes), Billy Crystal, Bob Costas.  Costas was very, very nice.  I introduced my wife, and Bob and I talked about boxing while Carol surreptitiously examined his wedding ring like a KGB agent.  By the time he was gone, she could describe the ring as meticulously as if she were selling it on QVC. 

 

Honestly, I could talk for twenty minutes to a woman wearing Stonehenge on her finger and never notice it, but then I have the curiosity and observation skills of a head of lettuce.  My little Sherlock, on the other hand, could eye a ring from twenty yards and know the Five Cs before the woman could turn around.  Five Cs, I hear you ask?  I thought there were four.  Five:  Cut, Clarity, Color, Carat and (the most important) Cash.

 

In the news today, the Palm Beach District Attorney has indicted Donald Trump for the following:

 

·        Eating corn on the cob the wrong way – one count of Salt and Buttery.

·        Interrupting a man masturbating in a polling booth – one count of Erection Interference.

·        Bringing a set of matryoshka dolls to a showing of the Barbie movie – one count of Russian Doll-usion.

·        Not tying his tie properly – Mr. Trump pleaded Knot Guilty.

 

I have finally found a group of guys who share my idea of a pleasant afternoon – being alone!  They have joined my Hermit Club and we have all decided not to meet every Tuesday at 12:30. If things work out, we may expand it and not meet on Thursdays as well.

 

It’s time to stop now. I have places to go and people to see and Impossible Burgers to avoid.  Stay really, really well, count your blessings and don’t forget the Hermit’s Club doesn’t meet on Tuesday.  Don’t be there.  But be sure to be here next Thursday for more of me and my high-class drivel.  See ya!  And by the way, you look marvelous

 

Michael                                             Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com