Blog #327                                        June 15, 2023

 

I pick on my wife a lot in my blogs, especially last week, but this week I promise not to pick on her.  Last Sunday was our 56^nd Anniversary.  Carol is a beautiful and special partner who has given me a spectacular family and a glorious 56 years.  She is the sunshine of my life! So, Honey, in honor of our anniversary, I won’t pick on you this week.

 

There, that was easier than buying a bunch of flowers, wasn’t it?  Seriously, Carol and I have had a wonderful marriage, although sometimes I feel like we have failed to share things equably.  For instance, we have, between us, two holes-in-one.  She has both.  And we have, between us, 112 wrinkles.  I have them all.

 

I recently saw a bumper sticker that read:  MARRIAGE IS FINDING THAT ONE SPECIAL PERSON YOU CAN ANNOY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

 

I’m going to put one on my car that reads:  MARRIAGE IS FINDING THAT ONE SPECIAL PERSON YOU CAN SHARE EVERYTHING WITH. YOUR TRIUMPHS AND YOUR FAILURES. YOUR BAD JOKES AND YOUR MEDICAL PROBLEMS. YOUR PRIDE AND YOUR EMBARRASSMENT. YOUR SMILE AND HER SMILE.  EVEN YOUR PIZZA.

 

I’m gonna need a bigger bumper.  Then I saw another bumper sticker that said: I AM A VETERINARIAN, SO I AM PERMITTED TO DRIVE LIKE AN ANIMAL. And I thought, man there must be a lot of proctologists out there.

 

There’s another woman I call Honey, and I bought her lunch last week.  She is tall and slender and was very amiable as I fed her romaine leaves from the end of a three-foot pointed stick.  Honey is a giraffe at the Zoo.  The Zoo has added a giraffe-feeding experience, and today a group of volunteers and employees were asked to be the guinea pigs to see if the giraffes would cooperate.  I was first in line and Honey was very appreciative.  And really tall! 

 

I was down and I needed a laugh

So I went out and fed a giraffe

But her gigantic size

Means I’m forced to revise

And call it a laugh and a half.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  Yes, we’re back from North Carolina and my granddaughter’s high school graduation (and her spectacular Valedictory Speech).  I hope you are feeling well today.

 

One night in North Carolina, we went to an Italian restaurant for dinner.  Have you ever been to the Rest Room in an Italian restaurant?  Most rest rooms are decorated with paintings or pictures of the owner’s family or newspaper clippings.  Italian rest rooms have pictures of murderers and mob bosses.  The fanciest one in St. Louis has pictures of Marlon Brando as the Godfather and James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano.  This place in North Carolina had (not kidding) mug shots of various famous Italian murderers.  Apparently, the Italians are prouder of their criminals than of their Chicken Cacciatore.  Perhaps the cook is an ex-con.  If you’ve been in the can, you make cannoli or cannelloni.  And for dessert, Strawberry Jailato.

 

Well, what am I going to talk about now?  I’m reading a Stephen King book that’s 600 pages long.  If he can write 600 pages, I ought to be able to write another two for you.  Let’s see if Shakespeare has something to say.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  Write till your ink be dry (Two Gentlemen of Verona).  I can’t write very well.  I only have one hand.  And I didn’t know you wrote with ink.  But I can tell you what I think about Pops feeding giraffes.  Can a giraffe curl up on your lap and be happy playing in a shoebox?  Stay away from those stretched-out, ugly ponies and save the food for someone who loves you.  Like me.  Purr.

 

We stayed at a Marriott Residence in North Carolina.  It was a very nice place and we liked it – until the last night.  We got back to the room at about 9:30, tired and ready for bed.  Immediately, I heard Carol shriek, “They’ve stolen our sheets.” We had specified that we didn’t want any housekeeping for the three nights, but someone had come in, removed the sheets and pillow cases and had not replaced them.  I went downstairs to engage the Night Person, a frustrating and officious little man.  I reported the Case of the Missing Linen.  He disappeared and returned in ten minutes with the information that he would get me some replacements.  I waited another fifteen minutes, at which time he surfaced and gave me a bundle of sheets, 

 

Aren’t you going to make the bed?

I’m not housekeeping.

Is there anyone from housekeeping here?

Not at night.

Are you the manager?

No.

Then what are you?

You’re being very rude.

 

Which was the first thing he had said all night that made sense.  I took the linen upstairs.  There were no pillow cases and the bottom sheet was the wrong size.  We went to sleep anyway.

 

The next morning, we went downstairs and found the manager.  Carol gave me a look.  I am a graduate of the Ricky Ricardo School of Obedience and knew her look meant: Sit down, Attila, and keep your mouth shut.  Under my wife’s persuasion, the manager agreed to give us the last night at no charge.

 

Officious (our Weekly Word) means assertive of authority in an annoying, domineering way.  Just the kind of people you hate.

 

My St. Louis daughter just called to ask me what I wanted for Father’s Day dinner.  It really didn’t matter what I said, because my better half will intervene and change it to something she likes.  Now, a praying mantis is a thoughtful creature.  After copulation, the female mantis immediately eats her mate, saving him from decades of mental torture.  Not being as fortunate as a male mantis, I have been through 56 years of this Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown routine, and this year, I just told my daughter to call her mother and ask what I wanted for dinner.  It saves time and who cares anyway? It’s only one meal.  It all comes out the same color in the morning. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So have a happy Father’s Day and just eat what she tells you to.  I’ll be back next week.  Until then, stay well and count your blessings.  I’m sure counting mine.

 

Michael                          Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com